Child of Emotionally Abusive parent? tell me something.........

[foolonthehill]

Have been wondering about asking this but aware that there are some on here who are just going to flame me for preventing father's access....

Wife to EA, Verbally and occasionally Physically abusive husband. He was EA and VA to DCs as they reached age 7 or so. Serious psychological probs. with oldest 2, slightly less severe but still probs next 2, others a bit young to tell.

Split due to abuse of DCs October. Tried normal contact, in family home, then somewhere else, alone and then with informal supervision lots of EA and VA still. Following outrageous behaviour in front of witnesses at the beginning of the year I stopped all direct contact, now phone only and initiated by us (usually 1-2 times weekly).

My question...if you had an EA parent were you in full contact...what was that like? were you in limited contact or did the parent become completely absent? What effect did it have on you and if you had a magic wand what would you make your parents do differently?

I need to protect my DCs BUT I want to be fair and do the right thing by everyone if I can (I know I maybe can't)

thanks all

Will be interesting to see what others have to say on this. Its a hard call and I'm in a similar boat with trying to protect DS from an emotionally, verbally and pysically abusive father.

From my own experience, growing up with an EA parent causes real damage in so many ways and I think my self esteem would have been so much better if I hadn't had any contact at all....

Maybe a bit hard work for people to answer this after the weekend?? so a shameless bum from the OP!

that's bump...not bum

I grew up with an EA parent and as an adult have elected not to have further contact. I've had serious MH issues as a result of EA and it has impacted my life in a significant way. I'd say very little contact is the best way forward. Is he likely to apply though the courts for increased contact?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. It's hard. I was in a similar position and IMO made a mistake by trying to be fair to my X (in fact I positively chased him to take up more contact). Things culminated when there was a physical incident, at which point I stopped informal contact and insisted on supervised only at that point.

IMO the needs of the child trump any parent's right to fairness. And that's it in a nutshell. Emotional abuse is damaging. The presence of it is enough for a child protection order to be put in place.

A child who grows up without the other parent in his/her life or with limited contact with that parent, may experience rejection issues, etc (not all do). However, handled correctly these tend to have far, far less long-term, inherently damaging consequences than allowing an abusive parent unrestricted access to a vulnerable child.

If he is still abusive to the children even when contact is limited, it sounds as though he is using them to hurt you.

I would get him out of their lives before they are old enough to suffer lasting damage. In my experience it shapes your life and never gets any easier to live with.

I loved my EA mother and just wanted her to love me. I didn't know it was EA - I was too young. All I knew was that she seemed to be so nice to everyone and so dismissive of me. I thought if I was really good, she would love me - didn't work. I then thought if I was really bad she would pay attention to me. Didn't work. Your DC have you so it is a different dynamic. They probably know what he is doing is wrong. They may still love him and want to be loved by him though. Only they can answer that

EA is so difficult because it is not recognised. DSSs' mother is EA which is clearly doing harm to her & DH's children. Yet as NRP there is nothing DH can do to stop it. It's very sad to hear of how much harm EA can do, lasting well into adulthood. I imagine EA can actually do much worse lasting harm than physical abuse as it directly affect the mental health of a child. Sorry none of that is much help to you, but it does sadden me to hear of other cases of EA.

DSSs are on constant eggshells about going home and her giving them hell about stupid stuff. They actually look terrified if they lose something, scared sh*tless if they're going to be 2 mins late home etc etc (they're 16 and 12!)

thanks all!
My DCs are noticeably calmer and more in touch with their feelings even after such a short time. They are also able to access some help which was withheld whilst they were still seeing the DF...as he kept undoing the work that was done!

all of them still love him, but they do see the problems that he causes for them and for me

My exp is v difficult. If not in throes of severe mh anxiety and aggressive and there was incidnet in 2010 which led to contact being stopped with ss support. If not like this he is very kinda manic over intense up and totally lacks empathy he "wants" and expects to get. Dds now 11 and 9 barely see him and refuse telephone etc contact. He turns up now to their Saturday activity (in public place) and they tolerate it but won't do more which he says is me stopping contact...Also in his mind I prevent them phoning him while it is very much dds saying stop going on at us to call him.... We don't want to ok . So I go with their wishes while letting them know I am happy to ensure safe contact if they wish...

I think they happier not seeing him. First year or so I made them attend supervised visits etc . Dd understands why but does say she is glad I don't make her any more. We watch a lot of Tracy beaker and discuss.....

It is a balancing act but I think the damage from being made to be around some one who is damaging could be worse than impact of not having contact. If they can grow up understanding why .

Ds has sn and operates at much younger level emotionally maybe three or four years and would not understand why not seeing him so he does get more contact but strictly supervised.
He doesn't talk so can't do phone calls. Distracts too easily for Skype

thanks cestlavie
worrying about the courts etc and the way that the assumption is to be 50:50...no point in leaving if I can't protect the DCs. suppose I have to trust the system for now and use all my wits...hope they will listen! (or he will give up and float off into the distance!)

make sure everything is on record - who did you tell about the abuse? did you report the abuse to DC to SS or GP or police?

is he likely to push for direct contact ?

50/50 assumption does not apply when there has been abuse of DC. but you need to have some record of it somewhere

was there writen record of the outrageous behaviour? would the witnesses say what they saw? are they independent?

if it goes to court you need clear records of what the issues are.
if you havent already, go to your GP and record the DC stress about seeing their father and maybe get referral to child therapy/psychologist. as they young from what you say you will need support to get their views heard

well. ....
SS were informed by school of some things that DC1 said to her teacher Oct 2011 (fortunately I had informed school previously of EA and was in the process of exiting) wonderful man from SS came and basically logged the fact that this had gone on but because I had "dealt with it" (ie chucked him out) since the report they took it no further.

His bad behaviour in contact with the DCs after that has been logged by me. The last problematic (and straw that broke the contact) episode was witnessed by his DPs (unfortunately not likely to be supportive of their GCs ) and reported to police...

there are a lot of people who have witnessed little bits of his behaviour with the DCs, also good log at school of DC2's problems which have improved since father's absence.

If Cafcas/anyone else wanted to see what goes on, they could, but if anyone asked the DCs directly they would def. say they want to see him now that there has been a gap (the oldest is 10)..they all love him despite everything and want a "normal" life.

really fed up with him...ruined so much...and I took so long to see it

what is done is done...

it is good there are logs/records. this is your "evidence".

it is fine they want to see him. positive in a way...

but:

you/CAFCASS/courts need to make sure it is safe.

so any contact has to be properly supervised.

and will be long build up now ie indirect which you doing telephone then short supervised sessions etc.

10 y old is old enough to understand that yes he needs/wants to see dad but that it needs to be aranged so it is safe.

it is a very long way (months and months) off from having them reside with him 50/50 (if ex is demanding that) .