Name Changer. Bit of background - dp and I had been together for around 2 and half years and in that time he did a lot of shitty things including lying, deceit, control and manipulation. He was never violent or unfaithful but I think the unfaithful thing was down to lack of opportunity rather than anything else. So we split up, I got the house, he moved out and immediately he tried hooking up with other women which told me the split meant nothing to him. Within a few weeks however he was back pleading insanity, saying he loved me and that he would change etc so I agreed to try again but continue to live separately which worked for a wee while but he did eventually revert to type and started again with the deceit, control and general lack of respect. We broke up again and I told him that I didn't want to see him again, it was over, time to move on. He buggered off but again, came back saying he'd realised what a twat he'd been, he loved me more than anything else, he'd do anything for me and there is nobody else he wants to spend his life with but me. He promised all sorts. This brings us up to the current situation where I thought "fuck it, I've been messed around by men all my life, treated like shit and took the piss out of, time to treat people as they treat me." Stupid of me I know but I really was sick of life in general and thought I may as well make the most out of his reliance on me. In short, I have been using him. I'm not proud of this but I always thought it was a mutual situation, we were both using each other. He used me for a social life and sex, I used him for something to do at weekends and general stuff he would do for me when I asked. I didn't feel guilty at first because I honestly thought he was using me too.
Problem is now I'm starting to think he really has changed. He's been 100% honest with me, gone out of his way to do things for me and the kids (not his) including chasing around the supermarket looking for a particular item I needed for my son's birthday whilst I was at work, he has taken me for meals, booked a B&B in my favourite place for valentines day - he has been really, really sweet to me. I in the meantime have been chatting to another bloke and have arranged to meet him next weekend for drinks. I really like the other bloke. I never really thought about what I was doing until today when I was sat in the pub eating a meal my DP had bought for me whilst texting the other bloke whenever I went to toilet. Then it hit me I really am acting awfully here. This is NOT me. I don't treat people like this and I suddenly feel so guilty. I cant justify it by saying "well he treated me like shit before" because I know the adult thing to do there is to tell him how I feel and move on. Not use him and mess around behind his back.
Now I'm feeling so bloody guilty (as i should, I know) and don't know what to do. If I do meet the other bloke I'm more or less cheating on DP, if I don't meet him I'll always wonder what I missed. I feel I should tell DP it isn't working out and meet the other guy at the weekend but it will really gut him, he's been trying so hard and I feel so bad for taking and then "dumping". I'm over 30, too old to be playing these games.
Not sure what I'm asking for here, just wanted to offload.