Is there definitely a reason for me to think I shouldn't move to be nearer to my mum?

[mamafridi]

I could really do with some objective and clear-headed views on my situation, because as things stand I'm honestly doubting my decision in moving back to the UK.
I've lived abroad for nearly 20 years and now that I've got a DD I have a yearning to return to my "family". The only problem is that my family is not exactly the Waltons. My Dad died when I was young and so there's me, mum and sister.

I know that my mother struggled being a single parent after my dad died and I was not the easiest of teenagers and then she had my sister who was just 7 when he died so the majority of her attention went into protecting and caring for her and I was more or less made to get on with it as she thought I was mature enough to cope...I wasn't and I don't think I can forgive her for having neglected my needs even if I was meant to be "old enough" to deal with my dad's death.
A few years later I left home and met someone who I ended up with and living in his country and during the first years of me moving away it ironically seemed to bring my mother and I closer - perhaps because distance really does make the heart grow fonder. But even looking back on how our relationship was I do see that it was all a bit of a sham. It suited her to have me away from her and as a result she could dedicate her life to her favourite daughter. I had always been aware of her favouritism but just lived with it because I thought it was normal - sort of - I mean don't all mothers secretly have a favourite? It just seemed that the longer I was away from them the closer they got which was also understandable.

It makes me cringe when I go on about this favouritism business and I'm conscious that it makes me sound like a petulant 12 year old with an immature gripe over her mummy giving all her attention to her other daughter and I wish I could grow out of it. And this screwed up way of perceiving things is a massive concern if I am to move closer to them.
How will I be able to live nearby and watch this close relationship they have and ignore all the things my mother does for my sister and not for me. Am I making a huge mistake by upping sticks to be a part of a unit that I'm not sure even wants me around?
If anyone out there has managed to get to the end of this overly long thread and give me some clues as to what I should do I would be very grateful. X

It seems a huge upheaval and no guarantee of success!

Are there any other reasons for coming back like better education for dc?

Relationships take time and even if all was equal you wouldn't be able to walk in and expect it all to slot into place. They will have stacks of history you don't. like any two people will who are in close proximity over one who isn't. The gradual 'making room' for you as you are incorporated into their normal existance won't be immediate. Will you be able to wait and not seeth with resentment while it happens?

You will need other support network not just them, how good are you at making friends? What is your support network like where you are now?

Does your sister have children - will you be upset of the favouritism is passed on to the next generation?

You haven't been able to forgive your mum all this time - will you be able to talk to her about that, or does being a mum yourself give you more empathy for the situation she was in at the time?

It is complicated.

Can you come back but not burn your bridges so you can return if need be?

I choose to move nearer my family a few years ago and I regret it...........im too independant after years away and don't actually want the help I thought I did. My mother loves to be needed and will help my pathetic needy sister who can't seem to do anything for herself. They just frustrate me as id like a relationship with my mother but won't turn into my sister to have it.......
I had a better relationship with them when I lived away.......tbh it wasn't them that was the problem it was me. They hadn't changed, but I had......

If your only reason to go home is them then id suggest an extended summer vacation first (month or two) renting a house nearby and see how it goes.

May I suggest you ask yourself the opposite question. Is there any particular reason why you should move to be nearer them? You have given absolutely masses of answers to why you shouldn't. Consider, before you do anything that's hard to reverse, whether you really want to be with those actual people or whether your longing is for the concept of a family in a way they never were and never will be.

I agree with the idea of spending some time with them without yet committing to move. You can find out whether/how the dynamic has changed and whether you have all matured into the kind of people who will be happy in each other's lives.

Is your DD's father relevant in the choice - still together or at least involved with his daughter?

If you move back it shouldn't be to what you wish the relationship was, but what it actually is.

my immediate thought was that you might yearn to move back because you want to give your mother another chance to care for you, to make up for her neglect when you were younger.

And she will probably let you down.
Or you will find that you don't actually want her help after all.

if the only reason to move is this emotional yearning to be close to her, then i wouldn't do it. it'll probably end in tears and then you'll be stuck there to some extent.

fwiw i have a similar relationship with my mother and sister, and being away from them is the best thing i ever did.

Thank you for your responses.
You have all brought up points that have been concerning me for ages, but which I keep tucked away and prefer not to mull over.

Empathylass you really have got to the nub of it. I spent a month with them last summer and I was left feeling like a real outsider and the way my mother dropped everything to help out my sister whenever she needed childcare at a moments notice did in fact have me seething! In that whole month she managed to fit one afternoon of babysitting while I had a few hours out in London. And I had to plead for that. Although that is not the reason I want to move to England, for childcare, but as I have not had any help while living abroad it certainly is nice to imagine she would help me out with occasional babysitting, as long as it didn't encroach on my sister's needs first. And your point about favouring the next generation really hit home. My sister and I both have one DD each and there have been moments that have stabbed at my heart because obviously she has spent so much more time bonding with my sister's DD, but again I'm hoping that she will learn to bond and see that she has an equally lovely granddaughter in my DD.
I think that it's so true that I should really not expect them to suddenly change for me or even expect them to, however, it would be nice if she could see that I need as much love as my sister does. I have confronted her about it, in fact we stopped talking for over a year because of her constant indulgences towards my sister and I thought that maybe she had understood from that how much it hurts me but after a concerted effort on her part for a while to show equal affection she eventually reverted back to her old ways. Even though she will never admit that she treats us differently, the few times I address the problem she does try to change her ways.

My H is the one that originally wanted to try living in UK. I had other ideas... but we are both stuck in a rut where we are and we both thought the change would be good, so I accepted his choice and now I'm really excited about it. My only problem is with my family and if I'd be able to deal with it all.
daughter in my DD.

oops - something weird happened at the end of my last entry.
oikopolis I hadn't really thought about it that way, but maybe there is a part of me that wouldn't mind perching on that pedestal along with my sister - though I doubt there's room for us both.
I think that this whole move is bringing to the fore something that's been writhing inside me for so long and I want to try and get rid of it before I make that move to the UK.

Well, if you want to come back to Uk anyway, and just happen to be near your family, will that take the pressure off it all being ok with them?

Sounds like your mums relationship with your sister comes naturally while yours less so - partly cos you had that problem after your dad died and compounded by years of habit from you being so far away, she will probably always have to make a conscious effort to be the mum you crave, and that is hard to maintain so she always reverts. Maybe after time it will also become more second nature if you are near - but maybe not.

Keep your expectations low and if you move, build the life you want so it works anyway -with or without them, then if you grow closer together bonus and of not you are no worse off.

:)

Thank you Empathylass, that is the clarity I was needing.

Let's just hope I can grow a very thick skin before I move!

I'm not a doctor but

A large Margarita if you're offering then, heavy on the tequila!

mamafridi I was in a similar situation to you 6 years ago and we moved back home (in a different country also) to give the dc's a better education really but also to be nearer mum(widowed) who I had always got on well with.Oh boy, what a can of worms was opened up! Being back ,seeing mum every day etc had the weirdest effect on me-the most intense feelings of anger engulfed me.I had feelings of vitriol surface that had to do with issues that happened years ago that I thought had been long buried.We fell out for ages and now have a fairly cold ,detached relationship. I just cant explain how devastating it was to be back in close proximity again after so long away. I would say move only if you have to for other reasons but dont expect the relationship with your mother to improve /change simply because you move back .In my experience it had the opposite effect.Good luck!

mamafridi, you say you cannot forgive. Given the time and space that has passed may I ask if it is forgiveness or forgetfulness that is not within your power.

Your decision to move home or not comes down to a pros and cons list. Make the list, take into consideration the practical and emotional benefits for you and your DC.

You regret the gap left between you and your mum and your sister when your dad died. Do they regret this too?

You understand that the physical distance put emotional distance between you all. Are you willing to risk closing that distance without guarantees?

I think moving back to an area which is near to your mother makes sense (assuming that dh has no family in uk anyway?) but you should not put your mother in any sort of priority (ie don't just find a house that's on the bus route for example). Accept that it may be nice for her and you to be nearer than you are now but don't expect any favors. My il are always saying 'oh just wish you were living nearer'. For them near = literally next door or within 5min drive. So even if we lived 30 min away they wouldn't come visit. I've said to dh that I don't want to move nearer just because I don't want the disappointment that will inevitably happen if we did move.

Good luck.

I must say getting the advice and stories from all of you has had quite a strengthening power over my way of thinking. I've come to the conclusion that this move is not going to be 'going home' so much as another experience of living in a different country iyswim. The only unusual detail about this move is that I have family there.

So since starting this thread my aims have quickly juggled about, and instead of going there and expecting us all to be an instant happy family I'm going to concentrate on re-training, finding new friends and other things. IF my mother and sister want to see me great and it'll be an added bonus, and if not, well I'll have plenty of other things to keep me occupied instead!
Dionethediabolist you asked some really interesting questions, which I'll try to answer.
I've tried to forgive for many years, but the problem is that there is so much of my dad's death that rears it's ugly head even now that forgetting is just not a possibility.
I do regret that my decision to live abroad had such a detrimental effect on my relationship with my mother and sister, but then I can't be certain that had I stayed things might have been a whole lot worse.... I like to think that by having lived abroad I learnt some very tough lessons which made me independent and strong enough to cope with whatever life throws at me - something that I don't think I would have learnt had I lived out my 20s and most of my 30s close to my mother. I look at my sister and she is frighteningly dependent on her that I'm not sure how she'd cope if anything were to happen to her.
Anyway thank you all so much this whole experience has been revealing to say the least. X

The UK is still pretty spread out, we're talking a lot of ground here. Why does being in the UK equal being close to your mother? Just being back in the UK will give you the chance to see more of her, but if it's further away then it will require a bit of effort on both of your parts.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. And the reduction of that distance brings back the real reason you needed it in the first place!

I have the same kind of relationship with my mother: she always favoured my little sister, she and I never clicked (fortunately I had dad, and I was his favorite :). We couldn't see eye with one another, and it didn't get better until I moved to the other side of the World. However, every time I go back for holidays, it takes about 3 days for her and I to go back to exactly how we were before I left.

You have to accept that your mum is not going to change, EVER. It will actually get worse as old age entrenches her faults. Beside, when you emigrate, there is something funny happening with family... you move on with your life, but your closest family members remain stuck in the "you" of several years ago, and when they see you again, they will treat you as if you hadn't moved. My mum still treats me as a teenager when she's with me... and I am 35! Can you believe she asks me whether I have brushed my teeth and had a wee before going out? And still expects me to call her "if I'm going to be late"?

I wouldn't recommend you to go back at all, actually. In your case I bet you will be much happier being independent. Asking your mum for help will be a sword of two edges. She will use the "help" to torment you. Your mum sounds too much like mine. My advice is to stay where you are, or move somewhere else... but not close to her!!!

Are you sure returning to the Uk is the best plan and not just a case of grass is greener on your DH's part, that you're going along with? Does he understand the family dynamics and support you? (ask because if he doesn't and you have stress upon return this could cause problems, eg "I thought you wanted to be nearer family, am doing this for you" etc etc)

London / surrounding London life is pressured (schools, costs, longhours etc) and family stress on top may not make for a happy life!