Why can't I let go of this lost friendship?

[RebeccaDanvers]

I feel a bit stupid and pathetic about this, really.

I had a friend who I met through work in '03. We did loads together - nights out, holidays, went to each other's friends' weddings as each other's "& guest" (we were both single)... We were close for about 3 years in all.

We often had periods of no contact, usually after some sort of petty dispute and we were both too stuborn to break the ice - but one of us always did, until the last time, and we've not spoken for about (God, I've just worked it out and it makes it sound all the more stupid) four years.

The thing is, I think about her and miss her so much. It's almost obsessive. And I dream about her at least once a month, about bumping into her and getting along again as though nothing happened. It's ridiculous, really - she could be a bit toxic at times but she was one of a kind and I've never known anyone else quite like her.

I'll read this back in the morning and think what a knob I sound, but I've needed to get it off my chest for ages.

Call her?

Sent a message - she ignored. Too much info to write here but she's a bit like that with a lot of people: can be almost reclusive when she's not in the mood to speak.

I'm with shag, what's the worst that can happen?

It doesn't sound like it was a great friendship really - it sounds like the connection you had was very turbulent and intense, rather than easy and dependable. A bit like a dysfunctional relationship?

Yes I suppose it was, Koda. I sometimes wondered if she used me as her convenient single friend. (I was early twenties, she was 10 years older. I then met DH in 2006).

I think I miss the uniqueness of it.

She sounds like your Bad Boy BF that you never quite get over, even though you know that it was doomed from the start.

She could be toxic, sounds moody and childish and to be perfectly honest, pretty hard work!

Are you sure it is her you miss and not your younger, freer and singler self?

She WAS hard work! I feel like I miss the challenge... but you're right, it was probably doomed from the start.

Yes call her .....

Really? I wouldn't call her. Just because it's a friendship that went sour, doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy to renew it. It shouldn't be hard work or a roller-coaster.

I wouldnt either Koda.

Would you call the nasty bad boy that you miss from your youth? No, because you have grown up and you know that however sexy he was, he was bad for you. The OP misses the fun and the freedom that she had with her friend, but accepts that ultimately, it wasnt a healthy friendship so she should remember it but move on.

I had a friend like this. We didn't speak for years - probably 6 or so. I saw her sister, who told me she was in a bad place so I contacted her. We were firm friends again (she was very needy!) for another 5 or so years. She used to affect my confidence and used to make me feel depressed. She took one step too far about a matter of principle so I've never contacted her since.

I personally felt liberated and my mood lifted almost instantly. I was shocked at how damaging the friendship was to me and i hadn't noticed it whilst I was in contact with her.

I can't advise you about your situation but I am pleased my friendship is now in the past. I do think about her from time to time because when she was good, she was a great friend but the overall package was not!

feed mine was similar in that there were times she'd affect my confidence, and I'd then be relieved when we weren't speaking and think "never again!" But before long I'd start to miss her. I seem to have a strange fascination with difficult people - at work I like to work for the bosses who are notoriously difficult as I tend to get on with them. I think a range of personalities makes life interesting, but I suppose you've got to draw the line somewhere!

I've had quite a few friends over the years who i've lost touch with, just grown apart. My thinking is, if its meant to be, it'll happen.

I have one particular close friend who i always have spat's with, a couple of years ago she started dating my ex-boyfriend, i was ready to let it go, not too bothered. But she text me saying she could no longer be friends with me as it would be awkward for her boyfriend (my ex). We made friends a few months later, and have done many a time, i see that as its obviously meant to be.

Actually thinking about it she's a bit of a bitch...

Thanks all. I do actually feel a bit different (in a good way) after posting here. A bit more able to move on. There's nowhere quite like Mumsnet for gaining a better sense of perspective, is there?!

Yeah. Tbf, i think its partly getting it out their, writing what your worrying/upset about down.

But theirs nothing like the input of strangers to make you feel better, no sarcasm i really mean it.