I did something bad but now I can't live with the consequences.

[PeepingTommeeTippee]

I snooped on my DH's email. I know that is a big no-no, I have no reason or excuses, I am a just a nosey person. I saw something that I wish I hadn't seen. An email from an ex-gf who I have never met and who I thought he hadn't seen or been in contact with for 6 years. It spoke of being grateful that he'd been in touch and how much she had missed him. I don't mind that he is in contact with her, but want to know why he hasn't mentioned it. I am desperate to know more about why he has been in touch with her, but obviously if I mention it he will know that I have read this particular email. I can't stop thinking about it. What should I do?

I was about to say it could be totally innocent. I got an out of the blue email from an ex just asking how I was. I replied politely saying it was lovely to hear from him and other general pleasantries. We ended up trading a few emails in which we mostly discussed his wedding plans and then it kinda died out. Now we are fb friends but don't really chat. Nothing bad happening there

It was the same scenario as yours G0ldenbrown. He didn't even question how I'd found out and offered to show me his response. I'm much happier now that has been cleared up.

Really? I wonder why he didn't mention it to you and his E mail(s) to her are deleted then?

What is the 'misunderstanding' on your part? Did you misunderstand the fact that he initiated contact with his ex?

can u not 'pretend' u need to borrow his email? eg i dont think my emails workin i'm just gonna log in yours see if u've got the one i just sent u..(u'll obv have to send one), then... "you've got mine, wonder why didnt get my email then..(double take at screen) oh you have one from , u never mentioned"

The dh could have not mentioned it possibly because it's a total non-issue?

If it's a 'total non-issue' for the OP's h to make contact with one of his exes after a period of some 6 years, why didn't he tell her of his intentions, corrie?

Happily, I'm not in a monogamous relationship with a significant other but, if I were, I'd let my partner know beforehand if I intended to resume correspondence/communication with an old flame if I was doing so out of idle curiousity as to how they were faring, or because they could be the conduit for me to resume contact with another party.

If I was seized by the moment, having heard of or seen some reference to them which spurred me to sending an immediate 'how are you' email or text, I'd no doubt mention this to my so in the course of general conversation and, especially so, if I received a response to my enquiry.

It seems to me that anything less could be the cause of considerable misunderstanding.

Just because you theoretically feel compelled to mention it, not everyone would. I could message an ex and not say anything because it's not very important and if dh found out he wouldn't mind, he trusts me and I trust myself.

As it turns out, she was the one who initiated contact. I suspect she still has a weakness for him or curiosity at least for what might have been. He told her not to contact him again. I am confident that he is not interested in her. I would still have liked to have been told though. The fact that he didn't mention it and me accidentally discovering this email has led to a week of anguish for me.

So why did he hide this from you and why did he delete his E mail?

If it's as described, presumably it wouldn't have caused you any concern when he told you?

I think you're trying to convince yourself that you 'misunderstood' what you saw and he's managed to persuade you that she 'misinterpreted' what he'd said to her.

Did you say 'yes' to his offer to see his response, or was that a bluff on his part because he knew you'd say "It's okay I trust you" just as he suspected you would?

Be a bit circumspect OP. I don't think you've got the entire truth here.

OP I think your biggest mistake was posting this thread. You'll get plenty of "advice" that will make you start to doubt him all over again, whatever the reality may be.

I was in a similar position a couple of years ago - I snooped in my DH's texts and found one or two that looked slightly suspicious because they wer from someon I didnt know and seemed a bit familiar, I knew it would drive me mad so I told him I had had a look. He wasn't even slightly annoyed that I had been in his phone, he just told me what the texts were about, said "I wondered why you were all on edge", and that was it. With me, too, it was sheer nosiness, not even a glimmer of a lack of trust - I am the nosiest person in the world.
If you have each others passwords for things, he might not even be bothered by the fact you had a look - especially if he knows that you - like me - are nosy! I'd just take the sheepish but honest route, as suggested above. Hope it all works out!

Ooh, cross posted with millions! Sorry! Glad all ok :)

Okey dokey so now it's the other way round and she contacted him out of the blue after 6 years, as you do - or as you don't if you're anything like me.

Maybe she's hankering after what might have been or maybe she was simply overcome with curiousity as to 'whatever became of whatisname'.

Either way, back in the day when I had a significant other, it wouldn't have occurred to me not to tell my partner that I'd got mail from an old flame unless there was a specific reason why I didn't want them to know.

'Specific reasons' may include a partner's irrational jealousy (unlikely because I wouldn't entertain anyone who was unduly possessive of my time/attention) or a desire on my part to catch up with my old flame in private (equally unlikely because that's not the way I conduct myself or my relationships).

In fact, when it comes down to it, there's only one possible reason why I wouldn't tell my SO that an old flame had been in touch which is that, in the everyday hurly burly of spinning plates, it slipped my mind.

Is your dh absentminded or overwhelmed with other concerns, OP?

Or he didn't think it important. A lot of people, and in my experience especially men, don't mention who's been talking to them and who's contacted them electronically unless the conversation or message threw up something important or relevant or interesting. (And sometimes not even then - I've had more than one case of "I forgot to mention, (insert name of relative here) has arranged lunch on Saturday".)

He'd probably already, in his own mind, dismissed her message as irrelevant and not worth any more thought.

I think some posters are reading too much into any sent message being deleted. If there was anything to be suspicious about all this, he'd have deleted the original message from his inbox too.

I posted so that I could get a sense of whether I had been way out of line in snooping in the first place. The feedback tells me I'm definitely not the only one to do this.

FrizzyFrazzled I think you and me could compete for the title of nosiest person in the world. I just can't help myself sometimes.

PattyPenguin you are probably right about him dismissing it as irrelevant. He rarely tells me who he's been talking too unless it contains something of direct importance to me. Clearly he didn't feel I would be interested in hearing about his ex-girlfriend. I'm not. Hopefully case closed now.