What's wrong with me? very very long !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[theresawholeinmybucket]

What?s wrong with me?

I have a lot to be thankful for, the most amazing 10 year old boy, house , job, car, family, friends????????but??????..

Underneath it all I am just a mess.

I don?t know how to sum it up, so I will just ramble on?..

I am the eldest of 3 girls, we all get on well, from the outside, however myself and my next youngest sister can?t be left alone for to long with out a huge argument which always ends with my parents taking her side, whatever. This is something that has happened ever since we were little girls, after me having counselling a few years ago ( when my low self esteem was raised by councillor ) my mother did admit that she would ?tell me off? or? punish me? just to keep my sister happy as she was a difficult child ( is difficult adult). It was the only thing that would pacify my sister.

This has always made me feel, in the wrong what ever the circumstances be, school, work, relationships , even when in my head I know I?m not in the wrong. But yet again I then start to think that I am this horrid person that I was frequently made to feel. I have a good relationship with both my parents now, they help me and my son out when they can. They love my son , but I some times think that it if it wasn?t for him, they really wouldn?t put them selves out for me.

My younger sister is the golden child, she can do no wrong in anyone?s eyes, she is stunning looking, perfect figure, highly intelligent, many, many friends, everyone one wants to be her. She married into to a very well off family, who love and adore her, in fact if she wasn?t my sister I would be intimidated by her.

I just feel such a failure, in the last 10 years this has happened,

1. Late miscarriage, my mother told me when I was coming round from the atheistic that she already knew, as she told me she already new I was pregnant. She is NEVER wrong.

2. Pregnant a few months after MC and suffer GV in and out of hospital, down to 4 ½ stone a one point. DMIL tells me to pull myself together, the stress is not doing her son any good. My own mother tells me, her sickness was a lot worse then mine and she had other children to look after.

3. Have a EC, followed by a blood transfusion.

4. My DP stared drinking to wet the baby?s head????..just forgets to stop 8 years on.

5. DS in diagnosed with a disability. DP carries on drinking, plus starts an affair with OW.

6. DP leaves, telling huge lies about me, which at the time I have no idea about, but can?t under stand why his family turn against me. When I try and tell people about his drinking I am accused of over reacting or just plain lying.

7. Two years follow of abuse, from him and his family. No money, him trying to take the house away from me. Not paying CSA, leaving me to pay off 13,000 of his debt. Having a child with OW and her rubbing it in my face, at this point she still believed his lies. I.e. it was all my fault, was ?beating? him wouldn?t let him see my DS, was taking his money etc. Despite him stealing, forging loans, and being charged for drink driving twice, in four years, they still think ?It?s all in my head?!! Oh also trying to take my son out of school, when at that point had not seen him for 3 years. The school phone the police as XP is drunk - Still his parents think I over reacted, ? I left him no choice, as I wouldn?t let him have contact? Not true BTW he didn?t turn up, when contact was arranged, by mediation service, all on record.

8. My DS starts school, I am not listened too when concerned he has learning difficulties, another 4 years of battles to prove I am right.

9. Meet who I thought was a night in shining armour, only too find out he is yet another high functioning alcoholic, with NAS tendencies, VA and EA.

10. I am diagnosed with depression, put on AD but actually have Anaemia, celiac and under active thyroid. - Sorted now. Thankfully.

11. Have constant hospital, doctors, school appointments for my son.

12. Every day I have a letter to write a phone call to make re his disability and the help he should get, yet I constantly have to fight for.

God this sounds like such a self indulgent ramble, and I would be surprised if any one has got this far.

There is so much more, but I am even boring myself. What do I want? To be happy, just to breathe, to not feel like such a loser, and everyone one else gets it right and I get it so wrong. How can I be a better person? Where did it all go wrong? Just want to look back on life and say yeah, I had a good one, at the moment I can?t. Seems so selfish, when most people would say I was happy, hardworking, a good mum?..why don?t I feel it?

have you considered therapy?

Maybe would help you to deal with the past and family issues. You've been through a lot. I think your toxic family is key to roots of low self esteem and that has led to choosing unsuitable partners.

Your family and priority now is you and ds. Start by being kinder to yourself - if you read your OP and see all you've been through? Also it sounds like you need to find a way to 'tune out' and ignore comments by unreasonable/unkind people in your life.

Gosh i read this and thought i was reading about myself but i'm only on the verge of leaving my dh. You have done nothing wrong, alot of extended families don't like to admit fault, as mine doesn't just like to pass the blame on making ourselves even judge who we are as we think we are the main root of the problems. Yes we may have issues but when we look in to it its to do with all the heart they have caused.
Think of yourself and your ds.

You're not a loser, OP. You've had horrendous things happen to you and people around you have behaved appallingly.

Big hugs to you and your DS.

You're amazing. You're still standing. You're in no way a failure.

I agree that some longterm therapy would be a good move. For a start, it would be someone qualified and professional in your corner!

have you seen the stately homes thread? A lot there you'd recognise. You've had a shit time bucket, a really, really shit time. I too could have written your OP - with different details but with essentially the same themes (particularly the lying and the primary family shit). A therapist would work with you to unpick all the shit that has been piled on top of you and would support you all the way. Get a good one eh? If money is an issue, ask for a discount (many therapists offer this) or go to women's orgs who offer low-cost counselling. though tbh when you've had the kind of life we've had, good quality, long term therapy is an essential investment imo. Read all the books about toxic families, alcoholics etc; read them again. go to all the support groups - I have good, loving and caring friends but a lot of them have no idea about shit like this and don't know what to do or say, which can be isolating and lonely: a support group knows exactly what you are going through, which in itself is a huge relief. etc! Get genned up (sp)

You've done a sterling job to stay standing, I hope you realise that. Plus you've got friends, a job, a house - you've done amazingly well to achieve this with the things you have been dealing with underneath.

You became used to crap treatment because you were brought up always being told you were in the wrong. Not suprising that you have gravitated towards men who would treat you so appallingly.

You are NOT a bad person, you have just been made to feel like that by inadequate people around you.

Surround yourself with supportive people. If that doesn't include your family, then so be it.

I get your point chitchat and it is a good maxim to live by re note to self: only hang out with supportive people . but ime the conditioning we had as children goes very deep indeed and, as a result, we repeatedly choose the same type over and over again - ie, people who treat us badly. It's not as easy as 'choosing supportive people' - it takes a very long time to work out what a supportive person is (I kid you not!) and it can be very confusing to work out who is and who isn't supportive. Therapy helps to re-write your past, replacing the shit with the good stuff, brick at a time. Hence 'essential investment'.