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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I have opinions on this?

25 replies

blahdiblahdiblah · 11/02/2012 15:01

A couple of evenings ago the boiler was playing up and he hates me telling him how something works. I had got it working and was on phone to the repairs helpdesk (we live in an army house). H was upstairs saying the water temp wasn't as high up there as it was downstairs. I said it was, we needed to change that ourselves, he repeated himself, I repeated myself, at which point he started shouting even though I was on phone. I said please stop shouting at me about it and he said "go fuck yourself" in front of DS6. I went back downstairs and when he came down I said "there was no need to tell me to go and fuck myself" and I reached out and tapped his shuolder as he walked past. I don't really know what I meant by that, I think I just wanted some sort of engagement from him, as he seemed about to go into his usual silent sulk. But he turned round and yelled "don't hit me", and punched me on the shoulder.
As far as he is concerned I touched him first, the blame lies with me. This isn't rght though is it? We do sometimes argue, recently I have making a stand againt his shouting, as he knows I will back off in order to stop him shouting. I don't think he likes this. I don't swear and call him names either.

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 11/02/2012 15:04

he punched you, that's assault.

ShagOBite · 11/02/2012 15:08

He sounds awful.

kodachrome · 11/02/2012 15:08

So he verbally abuses you on a regular basis and has now escalated to physical abuse? Or has he hit you before?

I would be leaving, tbh.

LilacWaltz · 11/02/2012 15:10

Why do you think he has recently started being violent?

SorryMyLollipop · 11/02/2012 15:21

That's unacceptable behaviour from him. He verbally abused you, you tapped him on the shoulder, he punched you. Way out of proportion for him to respond that way.

When you tapped him on the shoulder, did he feel scared? intimidated?
I bet you felt scared and intimidated when he punched you on the shoulder.

In front of your ds too. Shame on him

blahdiblahdiblah · 11/02/2012 15:22

He just always seems to be angry, tbh has been like this since DS was born. never physical though. A fwe years ago went to his GP re some sort of anger management - they said it was stress and put him on a stress management course. Which made a bit of difference for a while. I know really that you are all right abut him.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 11/02/2012 15:23

Sad I think you know the answer.

blahdiblahdiblah · 11/02/2012 15:23

Actually he didn't hit me in front of DS, not that that makes it any better.
:-(

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 11/02/2012 15:24

You really don't want your ds to grow up in this enviroment. I did and it is very detrimental.

kodachrome · 11/02/2012 15:32

He might not have hit you in front of ds, but he swore at you. This level of anger and disrespect is not something your little boy should be seeing.

CuriousMama · 11/02/2012 16:06

My dad didn't hit mum in front of me but I heard it. Also he was very aggreasive. It really affected me and my siblings.

CuriousMama · 11/02/2012 16:06

aggresive

blahdiblahdiblah · 11/02/2012 16:11

I know. DS is a gentle soul and I want him to stay like that. I started on Anti-Ds a few weeks ago as feeling very down about it all. am feeling a bit better and stronger on them, need to do something abt all this.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 11/02/2012 16:17

If he's in the army, you could contact the relevant people and get him taken out of the house and into temporary accom. or something, couldn't you? I have some vague memory about this, so I may be off base. Long term you'd probably have to leave your housing, but in the short term he could be removed, I think. You ought to be able to get support. If not through army services, you could call the cops.

He really shouldn't be allowed to remain in the house after hitting you.

CuriousMama · 11/02/2012 16:21

Think you're wasting your time there kodachorme, he's a gentle soul so why would he need to move out? Hmm

CuriousMama · 11/02/2012 16:22

And I can spell aggressive!! Blush

SparkleSoiree · 11/02/2012 16:23

I can't imaging myself staying there for much longer tbh...

blahdiblahdiblah · 11/02/2012 16:32

DS is a gentle soul! Not H!!

OP posts:
blahdiblahdiblah · 11/02/2012 16:35

I actually work for one of the welfare charities associated with the forces, so I'm ok with what I'm entitled to from them and what I can get them to make DH do etc. It is just getting to the stage where I feel I can do it. Hence my asking for opionions here - I don;t want to discuss this with RL friends at the moment, as most are in the same environment as me

OP posts:
kodachrome · 11/02/2012 18:03

Oh good, I'm glad you know what's available to you.

I think you have to do something about what has happened, because currently he is blaming his violent blow on you and is justifying it. He thinks you'll accept the blame - and the violence. It'll be a lot easier for him to go to punches next time you have a disagreement or confront him over his verbal abuse (if you dare to), now that taboo is broken.

I do think you should split up with him altogether, but whether you're ready for that, I don't know.

neuroticmumof3 · 11/02/2012 18:24

Now he's hit you once it'll be much easier for him to do it again. Sounds like you know this is unacceptable. Is he abusive in other ways, ie financially, sexually, controlling, jealous?

CuriousMama · 12/02/2012 13:38

Ooops my apologies Blush blames old age

Glad you sound clued up.

orangeeyebrowss · 12/02/2012 14:20

lol at gentle soul

the first time someone swore at me i or they would be out of the door

i dont stand for that

orangeeyebrowss · 12/02/2012 14:21

sorry ignore the gentle soul bit, i thought you said DH

the other stuff still stands tho

CuriousMama · 12/02/2012 14:29

orange glad to see it isn't just me Wink

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