Trivial, I know but how do you reconcile your differences re tidiness?

[TheHouseofMirth]

I've always liked order and tidiness and DH is quite the opposite. Before we had the children and we were both working it wasn't really an issue. Since I've become a SAHM, I guess because I'm at home a lot more, it's more important to me and also with two small boys there's just much more mess. Also, I have quite a few visitors during the week so that's another reason to have a tidy house whereas we have few visitors at weekends (and as a caveat to what I say below he will always tidy and hoover if we are expecting visitors whilst he's here)

I'm fine during the week when it's just me here but I've started to dread the weekends. DH takes very little responsibility for his own mess, let alone that of the children. When I ask him to put things away and do his share his answer is always that he's not bothered by the mess. He does empty the bins, wash up and does his own laundry and sometimes makes lunch but that's it. If he does make lunch, dirty knives, plates, empty wrappers etc decorate worktop and table.

I feel so frustrated. I either "nag" him (his take on me trying to discuss how I feel) about it and we have a row, I dig my heels in and don't tidy up then get spectacularly grumpy because everywhere's a mess, or give in and do it then feel martyred and resentful.

I have lost my ability to think rationally about this and would welcome your input.

I feel for you. My XP would open packets and just leave the wrapping on the floor - sometimes for weeks. His house was like a war zone but he liked it that way. I used to think it was the way he'd been dragged up as a child but our DD has inherited the gene and we have no end of arguments about it.

What I do is pick everything up, put it into bin liners and leave it in their rooms (in the garage if it's your DH). I then give them 1 month to either sort it out or it goes in the garbage truck! And I always follow through! The only things I take out are those things I bought or those which are expensive. When they cry/moan that I've thrown them out I'm satisfied that they're safe but will never tell them I have it.

I love a tidy house and therefore don't keep clutter. I have lots of storage so things are easy to keep out of sight.

In the end, my XPs unwillingness to live in a civilised environment was one cause of our breakup. You can only take so much. Good luck!

I'm not sure you can change someones behaviour on this front. I bloody hate clutter and prolonged mess. And i'm by no means a tidy freak.

The ex was murder for it and it used to do my head in.

What's acceptable is different to everyone. Problem is it sounds like you are at polar opposites. I guess the only thing you can do is make it abundantly clear how much it pisses you off.

When he says the mess doesn't bother him that's a damned selfish response. It would cost him so little to shove packets in the bin etc. Why isn't it bothering you enough of a reason for him to make that small effort?

Well I divorced the messy git, but to be fair there were a few other issues.

When my DH has his bi-annual....'but why do I have to be a grown adult and tidy after myself, aren't you my mom?' winge....I say and do the following (in my mom voice too as he seems to think I am when it comes to this):

You WILL do it, because I won't. If you don't tidy up your paperwork (after nagging for months ), then it will be deposited into a bin bag to live in the corner of the floor.
When he starts to score-keep what each of us does or doesn't do as a way of trying to do less, I simply say...go on then. Stop doing what you do, and I'll stop doing what I do around the house. Guess which one will make your life harder? Sure, I may have to do a few more things he he doesn't do them, but if I stopped cooking, cleaning, laundry, sorting appointments, payments, etc, he wouldn't cope for more than a few days.
This usually puts it into perspective for him, that actually, he doesn't have to do much of the day to day stuff and he soon shuts his trap sees the light.

I used to leave the knife I'd used on top of the marmite and it annoyed him. So guess what - I now put it in the sink - and sometimes even wash it up!

Oh and I mean what I say too. If I say I'm not cooking for him or doing his laundry, then I don't. He comes home from work to nothing and sees his pile of laundry building up. One day is all it takes. But then again I can be a coldhearted b*tch very stubborn!

My DH is a clean freak and it drives me mad! I don't like loads of mess, either, but I don't leap up and get the hoover out DURING lunch as he sometimes does!
When he moans that I don't do enough round the house, my response is that my tolerance for mess is greater. I WILL do it, but not to his timescale. It's become something we laugh about, now, and he's teased by the kids because he's so anal about it. He's learning to laugh at himself, but I drive him mad and he sends me round the bend.
No idea what to do about it - just try to accommodate each other's foibles I guess.

Dp has every other Monday off. I tidy the house over the weekend. I have come home to engine parts cooking in my oven, full set of wheels in the bath, front bumper in the back room and shared the dining table with an engine block for a while. Most of the car is now in a large box under our bed. On one hand it really irritates me as I slogged my guts out cleaning but on the other hand he doesnt drink/smoke/gamble/womanise and apart from his general messiness I cant really fault him. I guess some blokes just don't realise the chaos they cause.

Have you tried reward chart and stickers

I was about to ask if you were living with my XH, Rowgtfc72, but then I saw "doesn't drink/smoke". We had an extensive set of garage tools under the dining table for months. He said he had to keep them there so they wouldn't get stolen. I suggested he fix the garage door so the tools could be locked away safely, but that would have been "silly" apparently.

Rowgtfc72 - Ummm... I think you have my H as he is cooking gun parts in the oven at my place and works on gun and car parts on our kitchen island. But if we are going to share him... could you make him keep his tools at your place? I'm really really tired of the mess at mine.

Seriously though, I think my H is a hoarder. He has a huge shop and two storage buildings full of tools and stuff, just laying all over the floors in a big jumble... But it has spilled over into the house and the only non-cluttered place is in my closet and my office. He even has a couple tools on my bathroom sink. The only place cleaned off to sit on is in my office and I spend most of my time there whether working or not.

He doesn't clean up after himself at all. TheHouseOfMirth - I have cleaned around the wrappers and mess that my H has left on the cabinets before. I would clean everything I got out and the mess my DC made but leave all his stuff in a pile and then as it grew I would move it to his sitting place at the island so he had to move it out of his way everytime he ate. I do the same thing with his mail that he won't sort. I set it at his place and just let it grow as time goes on. After awhile I will take his mail and put it on his side of the bed.

I work - he doesn't - so it's not a matter of who has time and who doesn't.

But with mine, I'm either going to divorce him or we are going to live in separate houses. I really can't take the mess anymore (there are other reasons for splitting though).

I throw things out when he's not looking...we'll if it was that important he'd take care of it.

I am tempted to secretly take a day or 2 off work and call in a fix it man to sort out some bits and bobs around the house,

He's very think big. In order to put the Christmas tree up he had to do a CAD design. I think the small things don't occur to him.
I banish things to a rubbish bag and tell him it will sit in the corner of the room for 2 months and if he wants anything from it he can take it otherwise it gets thrown out.
He moans too all and sundry that I've done this but never touches the rubbish bag

I am the messy one in our house. But I don't regard it as a positive thing and I try to do better. Do you do positive stuff - tell your dh how nice it is when x is tidy, how much you're enjoying all sitting together? let him know how relaxed you feel when it's tidy?

Good storage really helps - is it obvious to your partner where stuff 'should' be?

My dh doesn't fuss about my two areas - the sofa and behind the kitchen door - I do tidy them intermittently but they are messy compared with the rest of the house. It means there is a place where I can put stuff without feeling stressed about tidying it straight away and what dh is thinking. Could your dh have a room or space of his own that doesn't bother you - a set of shelves, a shed?

it sounds as if he is being very obstructive which doesn't help.

Thanks all, you've calmed me down.

I don't think he's being deliberately obstructive. Due to having a horribly bullying and overbearing father, he hates being told what to do so often refuses to do things when I ask, and we have a bit of a row, then later I'll find he's done what I asked and more.

As Trulymadlydeeply says I think it's also a timescale thing. If I make a mess I deal with it straightaway (I would probably quite like to hoover during lunch too!). DH will get round to it "later" but I don't see any point in living in it and looking at it before still having to deal with it. I will never see the point of putting a dirty mug on the bit of worktop above the dishwasher and planning to come back later to put it in there!

I also think a lot of stuff just doesn't occur to him but then I have a total blind-spot where the bins are concerned and will merrily construct a precarious tower of rubbish in an over-full bin rather than empty it.

He does quite often say that he only tidies up to keep me happy so I truly think it wouldn't bother him personally to live in a tip. His study is verging on dangerous so I just don't go in there.

He often has snacks on the sofa after I've gone to bed. I have taken to stuffing the discarded wrappers (left on the sofa) in his rather smart coat pocket. Wonder when he'll discover the crabstick wrappers...

Adversecamber it does grind you down but apart from this, I do quite like my DH so am not putting his role up to tender!

However, as we have been together for 20 years, I don't think he's got worse but I know it won't get better so I guess it's partly down to me to find a way to deal with or live with it. I know I'm not going to make him significantly tidier so I need to find an area of my own behaviour that winds him up but which he lives with, and remember this when it's getting me down. Also, I'm going to suggest a trade - I'll do most of the tidying and he can be in total charge of laundry which is something I hate doing. Hopefully this will keep a lid on my resentment.

Also, I'm going to suggest a trade - I'll do most of the tidying and he can be in total charge of laundry which is something I hate doing. Hopefully this will keep a lid on my resentment.

I think this is a great idea! I'm not particularly tidy but DH is worse - I'll try and think of something for myself that I can "trade"

I am the messy one in our house too. I lived alone for 13 years before marrying DH, so I was quite happy with my slovenly ways.

When we found somewhere to live I insisted on having a spare room for my office/den - it's like having a corner of my old flat in our house! We shut the door on my mess so DH is happy and I don't have to worry about it looking presentable, so I'm happy. I rarely use the downstairs living room as it's the 'tidy' room for visitors, I tend to relax in my office and watch TV etc on my PC in there. Is there anywhere in the house that could be 'his' space? Is there a room/area you can keep separate so it will be tidy for visitors?

We have a cleaner as well, it really is worth it as I have to admit I share your DH's resentment of having to clean when it doesn't bother me. She doesn't come into my study though as I'm quite fussy about keeping things in my own chaotic order.

rosealley Tue 14-Feb-12 21:56:43

Is there anywhere in the house that could be 'his' space? Is there a room/area you can keep separate so it will be tidy for visitors?

rosealley he has a suite! I currently co-sleep with DS2 so DH has the two spare rooms, one for sleeping and the other for all his pc and music equipment. Our house is really top-heavy so we only have 1 reception room which has to serve us all. Sometimes I have a fantasy about renting a little flat round the corner and occassionally escaping and leaving all three boys to their mess.