I am not sure what to do (sorry long)

[reallythinkimadeamistake]

I name changed and the chosen name says it all.

I met someone 3 years ago,we met online and spent 4 months chatting and getting to know one and other via pc and phone before meeting up.When we did finally meet it was so lovely,he was quite unlike previous relationships I had been in,he was grown up and sensible.My parents adore him and think he is a fantastic influence on me.

As we lived in different towns we never saw each other in the week,spoke on the phone though but he was always so quiet,I am a chatterbox so it was me talking all the time,he said he was quiet as he missed me.We spent every weekend together at my house,he met my children,he never had any of his own,and it was fantastic,like the missing part of my life had fallen into place.

He proposed,I said yes and I moved a long way,uprooting the kids so we could start a new life together,a stable life and he told me he wanted to be a huge influence on the children and raise them with me.I let him learn how to parent at his own pace,tried to guide him as I do understand if you have never been a parent and you suddenly become a step parent it must be flipping hard.

Anyway we moved in together in and straight from the start I had this feeling I that it was not going to be the same in reality as it was in my head.He really does not talk in the evening at all,I pointed out to him that he had told me he was quiet as he missed me,well he is still silent a lot of the time and does not see the need for chattering when we don't need to but he knew I was a chatterer when he met me .He knew I was bossy and liked being in charge,he said it was fine but now he struggles with it.He does not interact with my youngest son,he is really hard work and I have my patience tested to the limit but my dh is so grouchy with him and never really says nice things,he is not nasty but it seems to be constant telling off,siarcastic comments and this just does not work with ds,I have told him this but he struggles it seems with being nice to him.I pulled him recently on the constant stream of siarcasm and how it was becoming tiresome and could he not just reign it in as it is becoming the only thing (when he is not silent) that comes out of his mouth.

The whole point of my waffling is that I don't think my dh is coping with the whole family thing and all he wants to do is come home from work put his laptop on and watch tv,this to me is unacceptable,I have tried to tell him this but he does not want to hear it.I am an active person,sociable or at least I was before I moved,left my family and friends behind,now he just does not want to do anything.I have made some new friends and joined in with local activities but really I want to be doing these things sometimes with dh/dc.

I now seem to spend every evening after the dc are in bed on the sofa ,flicking through FB and MN rather than sit in silence but he commented on this,why did I do this when I had said I wanted him to interact more,I pointed out that he actually had to speak not just me.He has no real friends anymore and the only thing in his life is work.I said to go out and join a club to give himself some HIM time but he seems to just live in the past,his old friends have all moved on with their lives.He won't go anywhere though.

I will try to wrap it up,I think I made a mistake but we are married and I can't just uproot the dc again.I do love him but am not in love with him anymore (how can this happen so quick). He is currently away on business and I am so much happier what do I do,he is a lovely man but he seems down all the time and not cut out for the parenting thing.I know I have to talk to him about it as all I do at the moment is moan,pick holes and feel down myself now.It seems I am becoming like him.

How do I even begin to tell him that the man I am now married to is not the one I met 3 years ago and I am so unhappy that I have actually practised in my head the it's just not working speech.

Sorry if you have read this to the end and thought what a jumbled up load of tosh but I am genuinely feeling trapped,confused,let down,angry,sad and don't know what to do.I have no one in RL to talk to about this and needed to write it all down.

Don't feel you have to reply just to know it's out of my head now and on paper is a step forward for me.

I think he is the man you married three years ago, you just didn't really twig on that his homebody-ness and quietness were permanent character traits that would be difficult for you to live with in the long term. Because of the distance, it was easy to have a great time in short doses.

I think you should think about whether his sarcasm and grumpiness towards your dc might be having a detrimental effect on them. I lived with such a step-dad, and it didn't do a lot for my self-esteem and by god I hated him by the time I was in my teens. I was never happier than when my mum kicked him out.

Don't stay with him because it's hard to admit a mistake or fear of disrupting the dc - it may be better for them to have that than a draining miserable presence in their lives that pulls you and them down.

it does sound as if you and the children will be happier on your own and without him

I don't know what to say, except sympathies of course, and that getting married is always a leap of faith which sometimes doesn't work out, so don't beat yourself up. Sometimes the happy ever after just doesn't happen, sometimes it takes work before it does.

One thing I will say, though: lovely man or not, constantly picking on his SDCs is not on. Yes it is hard - I wonder whether the step-parenting board can offer useful advice? - but he can really ruin someone's childhood with sarcasm and negativity. This is YOUR family he has become a part of, your children he offered to help bring up, so he really should take your cue on how to handle them.

Have you thought about relationship and / or family counselling? Might be worth it before giving up...

it does sound like you're very different people, but those weekend at the start of your relationship sould like they made you both very happy so i think that you should really try some kind of counselling... family counselling maybe? it is a HUGE change for everybody and unless you talk it all through with somebody outside the relationship i don't think you'll ever know if it's the step you took that's the problem or if it's how you're both dealing with it.

oh, and for now i'd forget about the 'love him' vs 'in love with him' thing.. that's a distinction that i don't think is helpful, as love feelings change with time and particularly after marriage... and this is natural and can be healthy.

focus on are you happy together? and could you be happy together? that's what matters imo.

I think it sounds like you're expecting him to 'be more like you' and become outgoing, but maybe he'd like you to 'be more like him' and enjoy quieter pursuits?

You say he knew you were a chatterbox before you moved to be with him, but you knew he was quiet too.

It's easy for the person who's more outgoing to think it wouldbe better if the other was 'less boring' but I can imagine he just enjoys quiet time more than you do.

Also, I think you're underestimating how hard it is to be a step parent, and expecting him to just start parenting your kids.

That said, you're married and you've moved to be with him (why didn't he move to be with you then you would have had an upheaval of three people?).

Good luck op.

You were never going to know if it would really work without trying it. With distance and seeing each other only for short periods of time, I don't think you ever get the chance to properly get to know each other.

Based on where you are now, this is the real relationship and it needs work. I don't necessarily think that's it for you both but if things stay the same then for your own happiness and your dc, it might be in the future.

Do you want to work on things with him? You say you have already prepared the it's not working speech which suggests to me you just want out. I think both of you need to be able to address your issues and see if you can find a way forward.