Is this the beginning of the end?

[butterfliesandladybirds]

Is my marriage coming to an end? I have been married to DH for 29 yrs, we have three DC (13-20) and I thought he was my soul mate and loved me. I have recently begun to think he doesn't any more and that I don't love him either.

I have a very stressful job and in recent years this has escalated (pressure, manager bullying, impossible targets with dwindling resources etc). I have no family (both parents dead, no sisters, one younger DB who relies on me) with the pressures of my job and family I don't have many friends and those I do have I tend to be the one who listens and supports (not that they arent supportive generally but I don't feel I can burden them with my problems).

So naturally I share my frustrations with DH who has always at least seemed (I used to think genuinely cared) to be supportive. However a few months ago he shouted at me and told me he was fed up with me talking about work as he never felt he could answer my problems (I never asked him to!) and that our time together was always spoiled by this. I asked him for details and he gave me examples when I "ruined it" eg recent trips where I could remember talking about all sorts of things (as well as my work stress).

Since then I have tried not to talk about work at all except for minor things and it has been really difficult as I have no-one else to talk to about it. However it has made me feel quite distant from him and I have not felt like having sex which has upset him.

I came home yesterday after a really bad day at work (where a lot of my colleagues were similarly stressed/demoralised). I was obviously unhappy but didn't want to talk to DH. He asked me what was wrong (by which I now think means something to do with him) and I said I didn't want to talk about it because it was to do with work. I couldnt help but feel angry that he seemed not to care enough about me just to listen/support me and I suppose I am grieving for the relationship I thought I had. All this time he was cursing me inwardly and I thought he was being supportive. It is making me really sad.

Is this the end for us now? I am thinking we can't go on like this. There have been no great arguments or anything just a kind of slow death in my head.

have you thought about going to relate/ couples counselling?

Thanks Penny, no I suppose the reason for not doing so is I don't think he sees it as serious. I haven't really told him how sad it's making me as I don't want to confront how much he doesnt care.

Have you found them helpful? I just wondered if I am being overdramatic or if others have found this was a problem they had overcome.

I have read somewhere that whilst women simply need to talk about their day and any issues / problems, men need to fix things. So he is getting frustrated that he can't fix things for you, and doesn't understand that he would be helping by simply listening and making supportive comments along the way.

Does that make sense?

I understand where you're coming from as I've been in your situation where I've unburdened myself on my poor longsuffering DH. However I've also been on the other end of the conversation in that my m other used spend ages every evening telling me about her problems. everyone else used to leave the room, leaving me to listen, sympathise but get quietly more and more desperate as there was never anything I could do to help. it really isn't easy listening to someone go round in circles about thir work problems without there seeming to be any solution. it's called dumping, because while it helps you it will just burden your dp with the problem.

No, you're not being overdramatic but you do need to talk to him...and maybe remind him how supportive you've been to him over the years. To say you 'ruined' recent trips is overdramatic and very hurtful. Counselling for you might help you deal with work issues (and/or a chat with a union rep?)

Floosie, I mean Flossie, I wonder about that too. I mean my 11 year old son will listen to my problems and "offer" a simple solution as if he were a 40 year old man, no kidding ... amazing to me... That said he does listen first. I hope you sort out your problem OP. Maybe Relate could help. If nothing else, it would be a neutral place to discuss?

Have you thought about changing your job? Have you tried to make any changes, or do you just vent about it and carry on as before? If it's the latter, I don't think him not wanting to hear about it anymore is so very unreasonable. It is frustrating to hear someone go over the same ground endlessly and doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care.

If he's not open to talking about other worries and issues in your life, then it's a bit different, but if it is only this one thing, then maybe he has a point?

Thanks for the replies, all of you. I agree I could look into counselling for myself, I'll look into that.

Crystal, yes I am aware of what it's like not to have solutions and just listening, I have always been in this role for others (my DM, friends, colleagues, DH) and I feel that although I've always been there for them there has been no-one there for me. Maybe I'm not a good enough wife or friend to have that kind of support.

Floosie, I know what you mean.

I think that Flossie69 has a point. Is it possible that he does really care and it is upsetting him that he cant fix it for you?

I know I have major problems and often I end up offloading to my daughter, who is generally very supportive and sympathetic but sometimes she gets very cross with me but she will apologise and explain it is because there is nothing she can do to help me and it hurts her to see me in such a state :(

It is really hard when you have no one to help you and no one you feel you can turn to so I dont know what to suggest. I only know that my problems got so bad (with a totally unsympathetic and uncaring 'D'H) I ended up on anti depressants, counselling and am now having CBT!

Is there any way that you can tackle the main problem, that is, your stress at work? It may be that your relationship will improve dramatically once you can leave all your 'work associated' problems at work.

Kodak, yes I have applied for a new job after trying everything I could think of to try and improve things at work. I am waiting to hear if I get an interview. He doesn;t even want to talk about this either though which makes me think its more than just feeling helpless.

I'm sorry things got so bad for you Destiny I hope you are feeling better now.

I hope that I do get a chance to move jobs but as we know in this climate it might not happen and my self confidence has been dented by the recent years of stress so I am trying to feel more confident.
I do wonder though if he only loves me when I'm happy.

Sorry Flossie I realise that I called you Floosie (too much Merlot)