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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unfaithful husband

25 replies

notsureaboutmarriage · 10/02/2012 18:18

Sorry for the long post...I have no one to talk to.

I found out (by accident) that my husband has been unfaithful. We were on our way to my FIL's house when he got what looked like a long text msg. He glanced at it (he was driving) and then picked up his phone and struggled to put it in his jean's pocket. I thought that was odd but forgot about it. Then later, at the house I saw his phone on the kitchen table and thought, I wonder what that text was about...

It was from an escort, informing him she was back from holiday, that she was still in the same flat and that she missed him. She signed it with both her first and last name, which I thought was strange, and a link to her webpage on what I have since learnt is a very popular adult search engine. I didn't say anything the whole weekend. I wanted to check it out. As soon as we returned home I googled the girl and found out that she was actually a pre-op transvestite. I must admit, from her photos one would NEVER know. But, there it is...I was stunned.

I put the children to bed after dinner and baths and mustered up the courage to confront him. I asked him, who is x and why does she miss you? I told him I saw the text. He rolled his eyes and simply said, it was nothing. It was a junk text. Not even intended for him. I just stared at him and said, give me a break...that may work for emails but not for texts. I also told him I looked her up and knew her secret. It was only then that he hung his head and said it had only been a one time thing and that he didn't really like it. I told him that a lot of my friends had had cheating husbands and although each situation was different, the one thing they all had in common was that each husband claimed it had only been a one time thing.

I can honestly say I have no idea what to do now. We are very good friends, have fun together, are alike in many (not all obviously) ways and up until now I had always had a great deal of respect for him. It is true that we have not had a great sex life since child number two arrived. Could this be my fault? I find it hard to believe he just woke up one day and decided to try this out. What do I do?

I would genuinely appreciate thoughtful advice. I am not in a rush to leave him.

OP posts:

Haziedoll · 10/02/2012 18:23

Sorry I don't really have any experience but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

You say that you are not in a rush to leave but this is not something minor. Would you not like him to leave to at least give you some thinking space?

Doha · 10/02/2012 18:24

Well l hope your respect for him has flown out the window.

He has cheated on you and your marriage.
Get yourself an STI check ASAP.
There is probably a lot he is NOT telling you. How did she know his number and why did she let him know she was "back"?

Doha · 10/02/2012 18:25

Also l missed the bit about her missing him.

If it had just been the one time l really don't think she would have said that. Sounds like a lot more than just the one time

KatieScarlett2833 · 10/02/2012 18:26

"only been a one time thing"

Sylvana · 10/02/2012 18:27

From the wording of the text it sounds like it has been more than once. What is a pre-op transvestite - a man ?? Not that it matters anyway. You need to know the truth.

LadyMedea · 10/02/2012 18:38

I think it does matter... If it was a pre-op male to female then that shows that your husband may have certain sexual proclivities. Is he gay? Likes women who have male kit? Like men who dress us as women?

Also if she is an escort has he been paying for contact? Does he think paying for sex is ok? Did he use condoms? Did they have anal? Was he receptive or penetrating or both? If ths was without condoms then there are seios although risks..

There are so many unanswered questions... And he needs to come clean... It's infidelity plain and simple which is difficult enough but it certainly has an unusual twist.

If you can I'd get into his emails and Internet history. Forewarned is forearmed...

Hattytown · 10/02/2012 18:41

I'm sorry, I think you need to call this what it is.

Your husband isn't just unfaithful. He has sex with fetish prostitutes. Transvestitism and Transgengerism are also entirely different things.

You're right to assume this wasn't 'just the once' but apart from the financial impact, does it matter? If he'd had sex with lots of different prostitutes, would it change your stance?

Men who pay for sex are in a different league to men who have a much regretted affair.

Of course this is not your fault. It was his choice to buy sex from another person, using your family money to pay for it.

Would you consider asking him to leave to give you some breathing space?

woollyideas · 10/02/2012 18:43

You asked whether it might be your fault?

No, definitely not. Please don't go down that road. x

janelikesjam · 10/02/2012 18:55

"Men who pay for sex are in a different league to men who have a much regretted affair."

Why is that Hatty, could you say?

janelikesjam · 10/02/2012 18:56

sorry NotSure, no reference to you there. I would be in shock if it were me, you seem to be calm/collected?

TooMuchInLove · 10/02/2012 18:56

I was avoiding posting on mn for a while due to personal reasons but i culdnt leave this unanswered!
i have been through this in terms of escorts and tbh its probably the same site.
escorts tend to stay impersonal so texting him to say she misses him says to me that its definitely not a one time thing!

check the credit card statement and look for the website name, try and find out his username and password for the site if you want more proof.

or you could accept that no matter how many times he has been he has cheated on you, he has put himself ahead of you and your dcs.

don't blame yourself! it is not your fault!

i forgave my (now ex) dp once but when i found out he was still doing it that was the last straw. but please get yourself checked! x

therapymumsy · 10/02/2012 19:23

I can truly feel your anguish and pain. I will tell my tale not to get advice but hopefully give you something to think about .
Last year I saw a text from a woman on DH mobile, I investigated ( as you do) and it was a massage service .....anyway we had the whole thing out as first he denied then admitted it was twice only and because I was neglecting him!! We both had a very raw emotional few days and agreed to try and move on. Fast foreward six months (Xmas) and I found another text addressed to him but using different name. Spent hours on google with the alias and check g his email. He had joined at least twenty dating sites gay and straight , reviewed himself after using escorts and been in two year relationship with friends wife. He used tis alias apparently for 15y and We been together 13! he says he is addicted to sex ....I can't forgive or trust that's what you've got to ask yourself. Also however humiliating please get a sti test. I don't mean to overtake your post but wanted you to know your not alone .... I felt at time I couldn't tell anyone . Take care x

MadAboutHotChoc · 10/02/2012 20:32

So sorry - what a terrible shock it must have been to discover your H has been paying for sex.

No idea re how you can come back from this - but do hope you are getting checked for STDs.

Hattytown · 10/02/2012 20:33

Because men who pay for sex believe that the people they use for their orgasms are an inferior species and not quite human. Valid only for their sexual organs. They might pretend to the prostitute that they care about that person's wellbeing (as it would seem in this case) but of course it's a lie. They are there for sexual pleasure and don't care that they are propping up the miserable and misogynist industry that is sex work.

kodachrome · 10/02/2012 20:40

I tend to think using prostitutes is worse than having an affair too. It seems to me about treating people as disposable things.

Notsure, I'd be dumping his ass.

Original poster

notsureaboutmarriage · 10/02/2012 22:49

I am new to mumsnet and this idea of putting your story out there and asking for advice from strangers. I have to say, however, even though some of the advice I have been given is hard to hear...I am so relieved to have people out there giving it to me, if that makes any sense.

Someone said I sound calm and collected...I am on the outside. On the inside I am freaking out. I feel like I have listened to so many people wrestle with infidelity but I never thought I would find myself here. I feel like I am a cold person that I am not more outwardly upset but I think I am just numb.

I spoke to him tonight for the first time since confronting him last weekend and I have to say he was fairly cavalier about it. For the first time I am wondering whether or not he is trying to force me to make the decision to leave. He still swears it was only one time and that there is nothing he can do to convince me otherwise so why even try. We weren't having much sex tbh and he tried to blame most of this on that.

A couple people asked me if I thought about having him leave to give me some space. I am thinking about that. It is complicated...he works out of our house and has a staff. Fortunately he travels all the time (or maybe unfortunately considering his most recent behaviour). In fact, when I brought the fact that I couldn't possibly know what he was up to when he travelled he rolled his eyes and got super defensive. Don't guys realise when they get overly defensive they give themselves away?!

Anyway, thank you to everyone who wrote. You have given me a lot to think about and it makes me feel less lonely.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 10/02/2012 23:04

there is nothing he can do to convince me otherwise so why even try

We weren't having much sex tbh and he tried to blame most of this on that

when I brought the fact that I couldn't possibly know what he was up to when he travelled he rolled his eyes and got super defensive

Oh dear OP. He does not have very much respect for your does he? Rolled his eyes ?!!

I personally don't think he is trying to force you into a decision to leave. I think he is pretty certain that you won't leave. That you will buy into his stories, forgive him for that one incident, that you will agree that it's partly your fault and that you both need to work on your relationship. Then he will carry on as before. That's what I think.

You will be in shock for a while and it will take some time for you to think things through. What your dh doesn't know though, is that you have an army of mners at your disposal who will hold your hand every step of the way if that is what you want.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 10/02/2012 23:32

I would suggest that you be very careful while having sex with your DH and definitely use protection. Sex with transexuals can be very risky.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2012 23:35

I would suggest just getting rid of him

what would you be trying to save ? really ?

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 01:42

How awful.
Get rid.
Awful man.
Gross and ick on so many levels.

You should be livid.

IslandMoose · 11/02/2012 09:01

You both need to consider whether it's a relationship that's worth any further investment in. if not then the sooner you go your separate ways the better.

fiventhree · 11/02/2012 09:21

If I had used (which I didnt) just that one yardstick of defensive or annoyed equals lying, I would have discovered sex addiction in my h 5 years earlier than I did.

LadyMedea · 11/02/2012 14:55

Did have any comment in the specific qualities of the escort?

YuleingFanjo · 11/02/2012 15:01

if it was me I would be saying 'bue bue'

because it's you and you are iin ni rush to leave him I'd be getting yorsef to the clinic for a check up.

YuleingFanjo · 11/02/2012 15:02

that's 'bye bye'

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