Help - Friend's not so "d"h has run off with her dds's passports - he's not stable so even if he did do a runner with the girls they would be at serious risk

[Wills]

Not sure how the heck to summarise this but here goes.

My friend has had relationship problems for a long time now but in the last year it has got horrendous. He moved out to a flat approximately 6 months ago and about the same time she discovered he was taking speed. As she was still desperately in love she's never really done anything. In the last 2 weeks she's finally starting to stand up to him. He regularly forgets to pick his daughters up from school and cannot be relied upon to take good care of them. Also she's now finding empty drug packets around her house (she's not changed the locks). Its come to a head because she's had to ask my children's nanny to take her two daughters to school (Mon to Wed) and pick up her youngest from Nursery. He's turned up and been vaguely threatening to my children's Nanny. Last night she discovered he's taken their passports.

So here are my questions.

1. We'll change her lock for her tonight but he'll simply break in - since he's on the mortgage is there anything the police can do?
2. Can she go to the police and get the passports halted immediately or does she need to go through solicitors/court first? Could she simply phone the passport office and say they've been stolen?
3. How the heck do I support my friend who is finally, achingly slowly starting to stand up for herself and her girls and balance this with my duty to my children's nanny who should not have to go through this? The nanny is pregnant (as am I) and I although she's adament she wants to continue I feel that possibly I should step in and say no.
4. What else? She's inundated with people telling her what to do and I've been desperately trying not to do that - just support her and help her with whatever decision she wants to take. But a massive part of me wants to scream put your kids first. She's such a wonderful mum in every way and is so desperately hurt by this break up. Just not sure what the heck to do.

1. he will have to get a court order to force her to change locks back so I would change them 2)dont know 3)why can she pick children up - can she not explain the situation to work? 4)she should see a solicitor if she hasnt already

shes lucky to have you as a friend

Message withdrawn

I've told her to tell the police about his drug habit as I feel that if she doesn't it will be questioned as to why not later on. He's already started to tell joint friends that she's been taking the drugs and that she got him into them. (complete rubbish - she abhores drugs). How about asking the police to check her house out. Personally I live in fear of either the 3 year old or the 5 year old discovering them - the 5 year old could probably be trusted not to take them but not the 3 year old - she'd just think they were sweets. If I were in her situation and had found packets lying around I'd want a sniffer dog in yesterday! The reason she's hesitating is that I know she desperately hopes that he will still come round and love her again and that shopping him to the police will just make him hate her more. He's very very unlikely to come round - trust me! But she's not ready to accept that yet.

I'm presuming that it will only be his finger prints on the drugs

Firstly, as he is on the mortgage he does have a right to access the property, and legally she is not allowed to change the locks without his consent. If she does change the locks then it is possible for him to get a court order to make her change them back or to give him a key, if he does this it is very likely he will be successful. The one way she may be able to fight it would be to convince the courts that her children are at risk from this man, which it seems they might be if he is abusive and heavily into drug taking, but if she does this then it would need to involve denying him access to the kids and potentially even getting a restraining order.

With regard to the kids' passports, is this ex of your friend's from a foreign country? if so it's possible he has taken thei passports in order to take them out of the country, and once he does this it will be very difficult for her, it's something she needs to think very seriously about, if her ex is planning to remove her children from this country it could take years to get them back, if I were her I would act very quickly, she should speak to the passport office and ask what she needs to do as her ex has removed her children's passports. they may issue new ones for her but I'm not sure how it works with regard to cancelling the existing ones.

hth

This feels very unsafe. Personally, I think she should report the passports stolen, change the locks and call the police if he tries to break in but this may not be a long term solution. Would she consider going into a refuge, perhaps? Or taking an injunction out against him? While he isn't violent per se from what you say, his behaviour sounds threatening and emotionally abusive.
Are your children present while your nanny takes her children to school? If so, I would reluctantly not allow her to continue as I would not want my children seeing their nanny threatened, no matter how vaguely. I suppose it is up to her if your kids aren't involved but I think you were absolutely right to advise her to put her own safety first.

Message withdrawn

Absolutely agree with ggg. She does have to put her children and herself first and she has to be seen to do so.

Involving the police (before he does) sounds like a positive step. They may involve the social services, if the authorities have been involved at her request, she and the children will receive support from them. If involved by anyone else, she could find herself in a precarious position.

Women's Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247, will be able to offer advice and support. It is not just for people within abusive relationships but those that feel at risk/threatened by ex partners too.

OK. I read ggg's post and promptly told her that she was at risk of loosing the kids (she'd rung me from her fathers house). She asked me to talk to her father and he sounds like he's far far more rational about this. He assured me he's taking her down the police station today to report everything. God I hope it happens. I know it will get scarey but I agree that she must be seen to be the one that involves the authorities and whilst it will hurt she MUST be seen to be protecting her kids.

Now about my Nanny. My girls are with her when he's there and yes I'm worried about them too although his eyes are for his kids not mine. They're a bit confused by it all but the older one still happily trots into class and nothing was mentioned by her yesterday evening. But its not making me comfortable.

Hi

This happened to a friend of mine, he lives in Thailand now with his (prositute) partner and threatens to take the eldest daughter, ds2 his but he's not so interested in her.

friend has lived in terror for a while over this, he says he will 'get' her if she gets legal help so she doesn't, she even called off the divorce a day before absolute at his insistence / threats.
Her X is dodgy as possible, bankrupt, makes livcing selling dodgy DVD's 9there was an incident of porn being sold at his daughters birthday party, gave it to entertainer to cover bills).

the main thing I would say is to keep them all safe, whatever. If your friend (like mine) is depressed she may not be able to do it herself. This could mean anything from lots of visits to a chat with social services. We did install read relay alarms- a few quid each- they give a high decibel alert if a window or door is opened, if they'd help I am sure DH would run up a few at cost for you.

Keep the kids safe. She can forgive you anything else, in the long term, but she won't get over the kids being in danger.

Tell her not to worry about his drug allegations. A hair strand test can tell if she has been taking drugs. Residues of most drugs can be detected in a strand of hair, so the longer hers is, the longer back she can prove she's been clean.

That's fantastic - she has lovely shoulder length hair. Thanks for that. I'm sitting here finding this incredibly stressful. I'm basically telling her to shop someone she's still desperately in love with.

Message withdrawn

I seem to remember from HomeStart tho, that one drug taker in a house was not considered by our (then) local SS to be urgent... as long as there was one clean / functioning person in house to take responsibility. But that does place your friend very clearly in the responsible parent role, very important that she realises that.

Message withdrawn

Yes, I think that is the key- the responsible parent has to make sure no drugs in house, no leaving alone with drugged up dad etc. That's what I mean by responsible, think we are actually talking the same language.

At the end of the day, a RESPONSIBLE parent puts her kids first and would call in for help if she nneds it for their safety, which is what she has to do.

Well she's been to the police. In terms of access they can't do much but at least she's informed them of what's happening. She is now looking for a solicitor. Personally I'm incredibly relieved that she's going to get professional help but you hear so many stories about bad solicitors - any idea of how she could contact someone with a good reputation. My solicitors don't have a divorce solicitor. So I'm not sure how to go about this.

Bloody Hell. What a situation to be in! What did the police say about the passports? Did she report them stolen?

Message withdrawn

CAb will usually recommend decent ones too, if you don't know any.

Wills - go the The Law society website, here and look in the right category of specialism (would this be family Law) in her area. And the usual advice is to choose one on the lw Society panel - i.e with a gren tick in the far right column. They should be reputable.

Fab! Looking now. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your view) I don't know many friends who are divorced. Only 1 and her solicitor is a long long long way from where my friend lives. and... unfortunatley don't live in or near surry - but thanks for the offer though.