Long and complicated...parent related

[steben]

Hope I am posting on right place - I hope someone out there can offer some advice, or really just say they understand how I feel because there is no-one really I can say this too in real life. To sum it up I am scared of turning into my parents - they were not, and are not great parents. They are OK but have let me and my sister down a lot and when compared to the parents/grandparents of others they just don?t make an effort and are totally self absorbed and irresponsible.
What has bought this on is we are trying for DC2, we already have a DD and are really happy. However it was something my sister said the other day - she is pregnant with a boy and said that she was really happy because it would be nice to have a mother/son relationship because our own relationship with our mother is f'ed up and anyway she would always have a great relationship with my DD because me and her are both very close to our aunts rather than our mother (something which upsets our mother but she does nothing to encourage closeness). However my mum has said things to me along the lines of - "oh you will know how it feels when DD is like this with you" quite joyfully and she often tries to make comparisons between us.
Because we are trying it has made me think back to when I was pregnant and to be honest I think I got really depressed thinking about my own crappy childhood and how I didn?t want to be the same. I suppose what is getting to me now is a sort of half fear of having another girl and for history to be repeated in my own relationship with two girls - as in them not liking/loving me and being closer to their aunts - as I am to mine - and I know that would kill me.
I am sorry this has been so long, and I know I am being stupid - I am not even pregnant yet and a healthy baby regardless of the sex is paramount I just don?t know how to get over these feelings (which would remain if I had a boy or a girl I think). I suppose what I want is to just be able to enjoy my family instead of living with this threat of history repeating itself. I just wandered if anyone else had been through this and how they managed it - I have been thinking maybe a counsellor might help.

I had similar concerns but for different reasons. Lots of people have reservations about babies of either sex on the basis of their relationship with their parents. But your children are not you and you are not your mum. It really is as simple as that.

Ironically I have started analysing some of the things my parents used to say to me and can now see the reasoning behind some of their actions (not that it makes me agree with their actions necessarily) so it is even possible that it could change your relationship with your mother somewhat. It helps me to avoid falling into the same traps.

Try (try) to stop worrying. It's all theoretical at this stage. You're talking about girls and boys (or children in general) rather than DD and DC2, who will probably cause a whole different, entirely unforeseen set of problems .

Thanks Latsia - I know I need to just get a grip, and I can understand my parents actions in a way and have learned to take a step back and just think - well it is their life. However as for improving relationship that won't happen. She seems to delight in the fact I have a DD and that our relationshp will end up like hers with my sister and I. You are right I just have to make sure I dont fall into same traps and see my family as the indvidual family it is.

Hi, I don't know if my experience will help. I always say that my mother had the maternal instincts of a biscuit, (i.e. none). Originally I never wanted children and it may be that there was nothing about having kids my mother enjoyed - she passed on to me the idea its just work, work, work.

I don't think I'm like my mother, but obviously there could be some similarities. However when I think back to my childhood, I can see some things which made it worse for my mother - only child with dead parents, lone parent, 4 children and no money. So she really had it stacked up against her.

My circumstances are very different, and I don't have these problems. I ended up only having one child, and tho I'm not a baby person - its been a joy and I think my DC had had a great childhood.

So if you can think of reasons why your mother behaved the way she did/does but they don't apply to you - I think you can safely assume you won't repeat the problem.

Plus, the hugely important fact that you realise there is a problem - means that you will always be on guard for it.

My DH had a father that used to go into huge rages when he was a child, so the one thing my DH doesn't do (hardly, hardly ever) - is lose his temper. So in an odd way I'm sort of grateful to me FIL Often childhood experience mean the one thing we do is NOT turn out like our parent.