Could I have some help to work this out?

[MomentarilyLost]

I have recently discovered my h has been having sexual email conversations with other women. This was enough of a shock but I have now gone on to discover a secret email address, secret fb account, he has signed up to dating sites (pof being one) and has been using chat rooms. I feel such a fool right now and my world has fallen apart.

We had what seemed a good relationship. My major issues over the years was I had a higher sex drive and for a long time felt rejected and frustrated but I adjusted to him and tried to get over it because I loved him. So it makes it all the more odd he would look for sexual kicks elsewhere (element of the chase? I just never saw that side of him).

What I am really struggling with is he has admitted very little. He will deny many things even when there is hard evidence? I never realised how much of a liar he is and I am starting to wonder if he has a compulsive disorder.

I need answers but it?s like banging my head against a brick wall. I feel sad so that the man I loved respected me so little and is not willing to given me any information.

Sure he has cried and said how sorry he is, how we mean everything to him and it is nothing to do with me and I give him everything he needs. Obviously not! But still he will give me very little detail. He tells me he doesn?t know why he did it or what he got out of it. I feel he is a complete stranger, I never knew him.

How do I move on? Do I just come to terms with the fact he will never come clean and just get my shit together? I don?t see that I can

I am so worried how this is going to affect our children- it?s so unfair. Their world will be turned upside down all because of a males selfish behaviour. I know I am not the first to have a shit partner fuck them over and feel so saddened I wont be the last.

I also know in my heart this will not stop as an Internet fantasy as he would like me to believe but will have crept into the real world.

Hope that made some sense my head is all over the place.

Thank you for reading and any advice would be most warmly received

Maybe his lower sex drive has been down to seeking sexual thrills elsewhere all along?

Sorry, bit abrupt there. I'm sorry you've got this to deal with, must be a horrible discovery.

No thats is fine. It is my biggest fear right now that I never knew him and maybe he had a double life?. And has really taken the piss out of me for years.

So sorry you're going through this, I can completely see you don't feel you've ever known him. From what we see on these boards, it's not uncommon for a man in this situation to deny all but what can be proven, but this is the first time I've heard of a man denying even things you have hard evidence of!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or not what you want to hear, but the whole organisation of it- the chat rooms and dating sites, the secret email and FB accounts to contact the women he meets on them (I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a secret PAYG phone somewhere too)- that's not someone having a look out of sheer curiosity, that's someone setting himself up to cheat on you. I'd bet folding money he already has, but he's clearly not going to come clean.

My advice would be to make sure you've got plenty of money available to you should you need it in the first instance and lawyer up in the second.

Sorry first time posting didn't realise copy and paste would cause all the ? Please excuse my poor spelling and grammar. It feels better to get this out although I think I may have been shaking more posting than when I found the dirty emails.
We have been a couple 7 years married 4 and I feel so sad and hurt right now. I know there will be further insult to injury if/when I find he has been sleeping around because of how he dictated our love life, he will have deprived me of that aspect of my being. Its beyond a joke. I thought I was being understanding not been taken for a mug.

Its so confusing when he comes out with lines like "I dont know anything about it" or "i don't remember doing it". Admittedly there is very little detail with no pictures on the sites but it doesnt change that fact they are there. Who else does he think set them up! Its like he can't admit it to himself or if he doesn't its not really happening. I just want to cry for the man I thought he was.

How are you today, ML? Are you both still in the house? Any thoughts on what you're going to do next?

Don't focus on there being no pics on the sites, that's neither here nor there. The fact is that you have had sight of sexually explicit emails he has exchanged with other women. And is he seriously claiming he can't remember doing that, and seriously expecting you to believe that?

Lots of tips and advice at www.survivinginfidelity.com.... unfortunately this seems to be quite a common experience.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd ask him what he intends to do about this - is he going to stop, come clean, and make a commitment to work on the marriage. If so you'll need total transparency of all his communications, passwords, close down facebook etc. If he won't do that, I'd say do a 180 on his arse (see the site) and start preparing for life apart.

Thank you for the replies. Not been back here till now.

Thank you very much for the link I will take a look, much appreciated.

He said he would leave when I found the emails but I needed the support with the children and don't want their world rocked before I am more stable in myself. So having him here has been good to pick up the slack and has worked for now. I need to be in a stronger frame of mind before I can make any final decisions and can't afford to take the decision to leave this relationship lightly. I don't believe I can think clear enough while this betrayal feels so raw.

Today I have got him to take himself and the children to stay with family for the night so I can have some headspace. There is also the hope he may now be forced to talk about what happening between us which may lead to it becoming "real".

Although I have spent the morning franticly cleaning and doing all the things I have neglected and couldnt face before, I do feel better with the space and I can breather more easly right now.

I have passwords and even his phone with no arguments and this is how I now know about the dating sites etc. through in coming emails. It is not the emails that I saw he denies but that he doesn't know why he sent them and what he got out of this. When asked about the thrill of it he denies that what he got from it?! But he does says he doent remember joining the sites. Its weird! I sound a controlling knob I know I cant do this checking up much longer, I don?t like what it is doing to me.

He has taken responsibly in some respect by going to the gp, who has now put him on anti depressants and has said he is suffering with depression and anxiety and has communication issues. He has developed a stutter when questioned about anything personal or emotional.
He has looked into counselling for us both.I think he need further councelling on his own in addition to what he will get through the gp.

I am not looking to fix him I just need answers for my own sanity.

I have briefly looked over threads with people in similar sad situations but can not find anyone dealing with the total lack of answers and shut down. Has anyone come across this?

This is deal breaker stuff without any solid evidence of any meetings isn?t it?! Gosh I go from being so clear on what do then back to being lost within the maze of this mess.

Ramble over.

I have found a number on his phone under a male work contacts name which is the same as some girl on his facebook account. shit shit shit!

Poor you.

I understand exactly how you feel, following similar discoveries between September and October last year. I am still coming to terms with it.

First things first.

You need to take care of yourself before anything else.

Sadly, if you want him to admit all, or even more than he has, you will need to be very firm. What that takes is up to you- I was ready to leave, and planned to, and still waited 6 weeks for a partial confession. But my h was way cleverer than yours at covering his tracks, so who knows.

You will need real space to think this through, one way or another.

Two books which may help, are Out of the Shadows- understanding Sexual addiction, P Cares, and Tangled in the web: understanding cybersex from fantasy to addiction, K Young. I found the first one most helpful, but they are both good and different.

Atm your h is reeling i shock that he is discovered, and he still thinks he can talk his way out of it. Think about a food addict, or alcoholic. It starts as harmless fantasy and moves on and grows from there. It is more common in people with self esteem issues. So, how does an alcoholic react initially- by denial.

The he need to face up to what is has cost him, and may still, which you do not yet know.

You may want to look at my own mn history re this subject for some idea of the emotional process you are facing, although of course everyone is different.

Pm me if it helps.

Take care, not that you will yet.

Thank you so much for your response five it helps so much to know that I am not alone in this kind of experience. I will take on board what you have said and look through your history here.

I have told two close family members which has help to talk but they have no experience of this kind of deceit.

It?s a weird world I find myself in and I can't look at people in the same way right now.

If anyone could help me with the phone number I found? Could you help me decide what to do? I have had a bath ( and a glass of wine) as I am on my way out and tried to hold myself back from a nutty wife call. But it is driving me crazy.

In a situation like this, go right ahead and phone the number if it helps.

It is absolutely true that you can do absolutely nothing to make him either admit it or stop it; he has to confront it in himself. All you can do is choose to leave, or offer him ultimatums. Fwiw, I dont think anger with him will make him open up, but he may not anyway.

Your main concern should be about yourself and what you want. And he will know if are not serious.

Hi OP, just wondering, any other signs re. "compulsive" behaviour? Or is this completely out of the blue?

That is a good question.

Signs of sexual addiction see

www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/recognize.html.

A screening free self test-

www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/sex-addiction-test

It's so important for you to understand that he can remember and that nothing else is causing this amnesia, other than a wish to lie to you and conceal the worse information that would be helpful to you.

That 'worse' information is that he has been having sex with at least one other person.

It has got nothing to do with you not being 'enough' for him and on that point at least, he's telling the truth. The problem is in him.

You're right to feel doubly angry that your own sex life has been impoverished because of him, but it might not be as straightforward as he didn't want sex with you because his appetite was sated elsewhere. It might be that he's bothered by his low sex drive and has been trying to awaken it with strangers, or his libido can now only be triggered by illicit encounters. I would also think it likely that he's a heavy porn user and over the years of porn use, his sexual responses have become desensitised to loving sex in a monogamous relationship.

I'd strongly advise you to end the relationship while he is still lying to you and to stop thinking the lying is part of a disorder or because of an illness. Lying and claiming amnesia are the 'norm' in this situation unfortunately and it's a mistake to pathologise it.

There is much more to discover here, but I don't think he will give up this information voluntarily so you either find it out yourself if you can or assume the worst.

Charbon, I agree with you. I hope the OP has not assumed that it is me who has sugggested that he may not be able to be truthful about what he has or has not done. But his full motivations may not be clear to him at this stage. Understanding ones own motivations is a difficult area.

Also, even the 'concept' of sex addiction is tricky, but I do believe it is useful for understanding quite alot. And anyway, there are many people who would say that alcoholics choose too, they do have power over themselves fundamentally, and I think this is true.

I hadnt eve considered sex addiction and my h hadnt heard of it, but when I saw it online and compared all the facets of it with my h, most of it staked up.

As did the stuff on codependency, unfortunately.

Or unwittingly enabling, as I prefer to see it. The results are the same.

Oh, and for fwiw, OP, my h STILL 'cant remember' much about the content of the conversations he had, or who they were with etc, just that there were alot, and the period of years in which it took place. Currently, I do believe he may have forgotten names of individuals and quite a bit, over that time, and with so many, but he sure as hell can remember more than he wants to tell, in my view.

So I hope you have better luck with that sooner.