Feel shit about shouting at my mum this morning, but...

[MissM]

I'm not going to go into the gory details of what happened, as it involves so many other issues and histories that it will turn into full-blown therapy! But in a nutshell, my mum sent an email this morning which upset me a lot. I rang to tell her so, and ended up shouting at her. I feel bad enough for the shouting, but even worse about the fact that my four year-old was in the room with me. I was crying and shouting, and it took me a while to get myself together afterwards.

I am still angry and upset at my mum but will apologise and try to talk to her later. But I feel dreadful that my son witnessed it, and that I didn't have enough self control or maturity to save it until he was either in bed or not around. I reassured him that I was upset with granny and that I shouldn't have shouted at her, but I still feel awful. He brought me a tea towel to wipe my tears on when I was on the phone

Hugs

Thanks eaglewings, I appreciate that very much!

Just wanted to add: I didn't swear at her or shout abuse or anything like that, was just upset and angry and telling her.

Miss M,

Your son is a good boy bless his heart.

Block all incoming e-mails as of now from your mother. Draw your own line in the sand re her; have clear boundaries.

Why should you apologise so readily to her; surely it is your mother that should be apologising to you for writing such hurtful stuff to her daughter. If she is a toxic parent she will not do so.

You may also want to post on the Stately Homes thread that is on these pages for additional support.

Emotions are part of life, it won't harm your son to see them once in a while - it'd be a bit different if it was regular but I wouldn't worry over one incident. It sounds like you explained it well and reassured him too.

If the email was something you are justifiably angry about, be careful how you apologise to your mum. Don't let your eruption mean whatever the issue was goes unresolved.

Atilla I really appreciate your advice and your concern. But I haven't expressed myself very well - my mother isn't a toxic parent in the way that the mothers I read about in the Stately Homes thread. She is a loving, caring, good person who has had an extremely difficult life, and particular stress in the past 10 years. As a result she often hurts unintentionally, purely because she simply doesn't think, or tries to do what she thinks is right. She also doesn't allow people to help or support her, which is hurtful in its own way and often leads to misunderstandings.

My apology will be for the shouting - no-one should be shouted at on the phone . But it won't be for the upset or the hurt - hopefully I will be able to explain those to her more calmly.

Hi Miss M,

I think you explained it to your son very well.

I will just add this though in view of what you initially wrote about other issues and histories. Your mother may well have had a hard time this past decade but it is still no excuse for her to write such crap in an e-mail to you. It was designed by her to hurt you and for that she should apologise in person. You would not accept this blithely from a friend, your mother is no different.

You are not powerless here.

You are not responsible for her actions; you did not make her this way. If she does not want help or support that is her perogative but she still should not be writing such nasty stuff to you all the same. I guess you also shouted simply because she just was not listening or even wanted to hear your reasoned point of view.

To be fair Atilla, she didn't say nasty things in the email, it was more a matter of insensitivity, arranging something without telling me when we'd already had a conversation about other arrangements. It's happened on other occassions, and without going into details I find it hurtful and have said so in the past.

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well or making myself very clear - my upset is more that I wasn't able to explain to her assertively or in a reasonable way why she had upset me, or express my frustration at it having happened. I shouted at her instead and cried, which is partly a reflection on difficulties I have over not getting quite emotional in certain circumstances. I also feel terrible that I wasn't able to speak assertively or reasonably to her in front of my son.

I am upset at the way she handles things, but she doesn't deserve to be shouted at, and my son doesn't need to hear his mother yelling at someone else he loves.