Doing it by numbers - I'm so stupid - do I leave....?

[lookslikeacoconut]

I'm thinking of leaving my DP. We have an 11-month old DD and have been together just over three years.

I got with him very soon after leaving my XP, who I loved very much but eventually found the courage to leave after 6 years because we were arguing so much and it was going nowhere and I wanted to start a family. It was a fairytale with the X to begin with, but he always kept me at arm's length, never wanted to get married. he bought me a ring, basically to shut me up, I moved into his but it was me pushing it really.

DP was supposed to be the antidote to my XP - at first glance, he seemed nothing like him - well-educated, well-spoken, treated me with respect, 'good father material' etc.

Now, though, he puts me down, sometimes in front of others, he calls me names (nothing bad, stuff like 'idiot' ) and talks down to me.

I do all the housework, he's never done any real housework in his life - yet he always complains about the state of the house and says I'm messy. He's not wrong, I am untidy, but who does he think scrubs the toilet bowl and the bath, vacuums etc??

He smokes weed, he's tried to give it up but can't, and on the occasions when he can't get hold of any he gets snappy. He flies off the handle easily, starts shouting and I get that sinking feeling, like I won't be able to rein him in.

I love my DD more than anything, and I hate seeing the puzzled look on her face when he starts shouting. I don't want her to grow up thinking that's how you speak to people.

I do everything for my DD, nappies, feeds, etc. It's like he isn't really interested in her. He loves her, of course, but he comes in from work, gives her a big cuddle, then disappears to play on his PlayStation. We don't have any family time. He shouts at her if she picks something up that she shouldn't, which I hate - she's 11 months fgs.

I pull him up on things all the time - but if I have told him about talking to me like shit, and not doing the housework, and he does nothing about it, where can I go from there??

I don't fancy him, really. We haven't had sex for a couple of months.

On top of all this, my ex has never really left me alone - he proposed just after we split up but he'd had so many chances I knew it wasn't real. I get texts from him, saying he realises what he lost, declaring undying love etc and he's just split up from his on-off GF.

I know it wouldn't work with him, but all this contact is just confusing me further.

I feel really selfish, I thought I could do things by numbers - force myself to have feelings for somebody I thought would make a good partnership with, and now I've brought a baby into it. I thought I could make it work, but I just feel like life is passing me by and the thought of spending another 20,30,40 years like this fills me with horror.

We've had a few 'big talks' in the past, but last night I said we both weren't happy and we needed to talk. He said he gets frustrated with me cos I don't listen and he has to repeat himself several times, so that's why he talks to me like he does.

This post is far longer than I intended! Really sorry, but I am so confused I would appreciate any advice.

Honestly, you need to get away from both. ASAP

I'm really sorry but this doesn't sound good.

Calling you names, treating you like a skivvy and criticising you for it, addicted to weed (and he is addicted if his behaviour changes when he can't get any), saying it's your fault because you don't listen to him (i.e .do exactly as I say).
You've tried talking to him and he won't change. Indeed, he's saying you need to. If you're unhappy now, it will only get worse and you sound a little scared of him.

I'm so, so sorry. It's a hard realisation, especially when your baby is so young. I feel for you. You and your DD have done nothing to deserve this.

Whatever you do, do NOT be tempted to reach out to your X for rescue. He's your X for a reason and they always claim to have changed but few ever do. He will simply be an extra complication you don't need.

Being a single parent isn't so bad you know. In fact many of us with Xs just like yours have found that it's easier - since you don't have another adult's mess to deal with nor are you being criticised and undermined on a daily basis.

My advice would be to start making an exit plan. Don't tell your P if you think it may make things harder for you; wait until you have everything in place and do it then. Good luck.

you ahve no children with your ex - stay away from himn cut all contact.

and make plans to leave current one if he "cant" give up weed then you can still give up on him - better for your dd

What's confusing? Current DP is a rat, XDP wants to have his cake and eat it. Sorry, but I'm with sunshine. Exit plan time, and no more men until you have had some solo counselling about relationships.

(Sorry if this is a bit brutal, think I had BrutalJuice with my porridge this morning).

I would tell the ex to do one and stop contacting you. The contact is disrespectful to you - for one thing, it's trying to get you to cheat on your bloke and for another, he does it when his relationship with his gf is temporarily off, presumably - so it's not really about desperately wanting you - it's just about having someone/anyone.

As for your dp, he sounds like a loser. I would lay it on the line, and if he doesn't shape up, I'd be shipping out. He shouldn't be derogatory about you or call you names - that's verbal/emotional abuse and it needs stopping, one way or another.

Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate them all.
sunshine I sometimes think it would be easier by myself, and you've just confirmed that - I do all the housework and child care anyway!
purple I need brutal, tbh. I know people can only tell their side of the story on here, DP has loads of good points and he'd probably have a lot to say about me being a miserable old trout etc, but deep down I know his treatment of me isn't right.

Lots to think about.

I'm sorry for your situation. Calling you an "idiot" is bad and is unacceptable. You are your dd are worth more than this.

Playstation!!
Really!
If ever, ever, I had a partner who spent even one hour playing games on a computer, I'd dump his sorry ass.

With this guy though, there's other stuff, too.
You need to start removing yourself from this useless, mean-spirited person and start a new life for you and your daughter.
You sound far from an 'idiot'.
You have your life ahead of you.
Wait for somebody who respects life and family enough to not waste their time playing virtual games.

He smokes weed, he's tried to give it up but can't, and on the occasions when he can't get hold of any he gets snappy. He flies off the handle easily, starts shouting and I get that sinking feeling, like I won't be able to rein him in.

Get out. People think weed is harmless, but these are signs of dependancy. It can and will affect his mental health, his behaviour and temper. Please do leave.

baypolar my husband plays the playstation. I prefer the X-box msyelf. Not sure a computer console is the dumpable offence in this situation...

Oh dear, these responses are pretty much unanimous. I think I've just ignored all the signs up to now, it's weird how i've normalised DP's behaviour. I came from a broken home and it's the last thing I wanted for DD. But I think it's headed that way.

lookslikeacoconut IMHO its better to have one happy parent than 2 unhappy ones. Are you happy about the messages you are giving your DD by staying in your situation?

Dont be hard on yourself for normalising DPs behaviour, thats what we all do so we can get on with life.

It takes courage to face up to reality, honestly, you are doing well, only you will know whats best for you and your dd.

Stop thinking of the 'broken home' analogy. It's bollocks. The stress/vitriol/change of the relationship breaking down is the biggest factor. If you can leave this relationship quickly and cleaning, you will minimise this and your DD is so young that she will escape a lot of the impact. She will, however, start to benefit immediately from a mother who is no longer living in a state of unhappiness and unease.

When you hear about the poor outcomes of children from broken homes, you have to remember that they are mainly caused by the separation itself (and what led up to it), lack of money, and the mother's level of education. When you control these factors, there is NO difference.

My DC lived in a broken home. When I left their father, I fixed it.

Thanks everyone.
sunshine you're right, of course. I would've been a lot more unhappy as a child if I'd had to hear my DM and DF fighting all the time. That stuff stays with you, I remember a few occasions distinctly before they split up. I can't have been more than 4.
I am going to have the talk with DP after he gets back from a mountain biking trip this weekend. Am praying it's not snowed off, a weekend apart could not have come at a better time..