Left with an uneasy feeling by my dm

[foolserrand]

I need a sounding board and some advice or maybe just a backbone.... I don't know anymore. Apologies if this seems disjointed.

My dmum has always been the most caring, loving person I know. Always doing everything for our family and getting annoyed by people's offers of help. She has done so much that I left home not having the slightest clue how to keep my living space clean, do laundry, iron.... I have taught myself everything, bar a few recipes which she did share.

The love is so much and intense, its suffocating, almost toxic. As an older teen and post uni, I was out of the house as much as possible because I couldn't deal with the intense boredom (from not being allowed to do anything useful) and to act my age, another thing my mum treated still does if I'm honest my brother and I as children.

Right, now to the crux of it... I think. Ds, myself, dogs and Dh have spent the last few weeks living in my family home whilst ours is extended. Yesterday, whilst eating lunch, my dm asked me if dh ever had any financial ties to a person/s in America. He was married to a woman over there for a very short period of time following a moment of daftness. This information is not secret, but not something dh has chosen to share, understandably. It's a moment of his life he would rather forget. So why does she know about it?

My parents have helped us out financially a lot over the last 12 months, including bringing in dh to 'inherit' my dad's business when he retires soon. I wondered if they were checking up on their investment, so to speak. But why not ask him? He's an open, honest person and is upset by this underhandedness. Today I asked dm why. She said it was because she couldn't understand why we didn't marry as soon as we discovered we were pregnant with ds. I didn't want to rush into marriage just because our contraception had failed. (Ds was a very welcome shock)

That doesn't explain anything, does it? I'm really uncomfortable asking her again to further explain herself. I don't know how to phrase things so she answers, but doesn't get upset and hurt. I am fairly certain that she was acting in what she believed to be my best interests and out of love. But, is this normal? Is it not a huge invasion of privacy and breach of trust? Am I being ungrateful and hormonal (29 weeks pregnant with dc2)?

How would you deal with this?

I think there are two issues, the intoxicating not allowing you to grow up etc is similar to my mil. We had to distance ourselves in order to make our own choices. That needs addressing separately.

With regards to the your dh's marriage I think you just need to be honest. Explain that it was something dh entered into when he was young and naive and doesn't wish to discuss it now and then ask her how on earth she is privy to this information!

I should have added that it is understandable that your parent would want to check the financial status of your dh if they are planning on entering into business with them. Are you really sure that you want to be forever indebted to them?

When parents like this realise that you are no longer dependant on them for everyday matters they try to enforce the ties by creating a financial dependence. It's hard to be completely independent when they are providing you with financial support.

The other side of the coin is that they obviously love you and are supportive a lot of parents couldn't give too hoots so its not all negative.

Sorry for all the typos, using my iPhone.

From what you've said about your mother, I think it was a big mistake for you to align yourself to your parents financially, not a good idea at all. You can try asking her what the problem is and telling her you want complete openness but tbh, getting into bed in that way with a family member who has already proven herself to be suffocating and controlling... is that wise?

On the other side of it, looking at it objectively, the business belongs to your parents and of course they're going to try and get to the bottom of anything that might prove problematic in the future so, as long as you've tied yourselves to them financially, they have an entitlement to be aware of everything and ask any relevant questions.

How do you think she found out? A private investigator is a bit different to something more innocent like a chat with dh's mum. I'd be interested in how she got the info, then be thinking hard about how important taking over the family business is when you are unlikely to be able to ever do it independently.

me too - if I felt that suffocated, the last thing I would be thinking about is becoming financially beholden to them. There lies the path of madness and certain disaster.

obviously some digging has occurred in order for them to know about your DH's past. But why not ask him? I too would feel it was distrusting and invasive. Not normal.

I think you have to ask her again why she asked you about your H's financial ties, and why specifically America. I don't think you have any obligation to furnish her with the information about your H's previous marriage, that is yours and his business and does not concern her in any way. If she gets upset at your questions, well that's just tough - you have a right to know why she is asking, and how/why she is prying into his private life in that way.

I really do agree with other posters who have said that it sounds a very bad idea to tie yourselves to them via the business in this way. Given their lack of ability to allow you to be independent from them (your D is as guilty as your M, he could have called her on this stuff when you were younger), I can't imagine for one moment that they will let go of the business's reins enough to allow your H to run it without their interference. Which sounds like a very dismal way for your H to work, and will probably impact on your life together.

Thanks all for your replies. Turns out that my dm was asking innocent, if somewhat nosey, questions. Dh has told her about the whole thing when we announced our first pregnancy, over 3 years ago. She was pushing for us to be married and dh used it as one of many reasons why we wouldn't be (dm wasn't happy with "we don't want to"). It will just have been this pregnancy reminding her about it and she wanted to ensure we were no longer tied to this other person.

Oh, and I feel really awful for making her sound like a crazy person on the internet. She really is lovely, if a bit suffocating and unwilling to accept I'm no longer 5.

As for the business, I decided a long time ago that was dh's arrangement with them, not mine and if he's happy then I am too. As RoughShooting said, it is highly unlikely we would ever gain this level of financial security without taking over the business. Dh is more than capable, but always over looked in big corporations. This is my dad's business, something my dm has never been involved in. He will move aside when he feels dh is entirely ready because he wants to spend his retirement on the golf course! :o

I'm not sure I do want to be financially tied to them, or anyone else, but if this is how to best provide for ds and bump, so be it.

"I'm not sure I do want to be financially tied to them, or anyone else, but if this is how to best provide for ds and bump, so be it."??

But you are capable of financial independence without them, so why accept their money & business??

'sound like a crazy person on the internet'

you said in your first post that your mum was almost toxic

no skin off my back if you want to backtrack but at least be honest with yourself. those feelings don't come out of nowhere. you spent the first two paragraphs moaning about your mum but as soon as it looks like being independent from them also means being financially independent you do a u-turn.

ok

"She really is lovely, if a bit suffocating and unwilling to accept I'm no longer 5."

That sentence is one big contradiction.

I'd be going it alone with parents like that. My GF has very similar parents to yours by the sounds of it (didn't know how to wrap christmas presents when I met her! how do you avoid teaching your kids that??) and there's no way I'd be happy becoming indebted to them in that way. Even if your dad is happy to just hand over the business and leave it at that, I doubt your mum will be able to keep her nose out.

Being rich with a miserable DH because of your parents constant interference is VERY much worse to being happy but poorer. The best way to provide for the bump is not just financial.

This reminds me of something else actually- was going through GF's diary from when she was younger one day (with her permission) and one bit almost made me puke- "I felt sorry for my mum because she'd worked so hard for so many years bringing us up and now I'd thrown it all back in her face by doing this". Her mum didn't parent her properly, at all- she can see now that what she'd written was one big lie, but at the time she believed it.

It sounds like your parents were shit, but you haven't quite realised yet. I would advise you to delay a decision on the business until you think about essential skills for life that it would be very unloving to not teach your DC, and see how many of those skills your mum actually taught you. Then decide whether she actually wanted you to succeed at life, or whether her life plan was to make you incapable and always running to her for help, thus justifying her existence. And if she didn't want you to succeed then, she probably doesn't now.

P.s. This is a seriously big thing to take in all at once- Don't dismiss this out of hand because reading it hurt you. re-read that last paragraph, ask your DP to read it and see what he says, and spend a week trying to get your head around it. I may be totally wrong, but the parallels between your and my GF's parents are significant.