So, for those of you have have cheated on your gf and dw - can I ask.......

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

Did you get a 2nd chance? And did you deserve a second chance? Did you change your ways or cheat again, but covered your tracks better?

Did you regret splitting up your marriage / family?

Or in the long run, was it the best thing that could have happened for you?

A week ago I found out my DH of 12 years was cheating. I am only 30 and have a 5 year old and a seven month old. I have never checked up on my dh in the past, and for me this has completely come out of the blue.

We are not together at the moment and I can't decide what to do.

Do I follow my head and run for the hills?

Or do I follow my heart and give him a second chance?

Before this, I thought everything was great. We don't argue, I don't nag. we get on great. But something is obviously missing.

If I get any replies I'll be amazed, and if you want to PM me instead of going public, that's fine. Would just like a male's perspective really.

PLEASE!!!

Erm run. His job will provide him aple temptation, read my post on the other thread.

He just dosent sound, well monogamous tbh. I'd sell you my house if he hasn't sleep with a lot more, sorry. He is admitting to what you know, nothing else.

In my opinion, "men who cheat because they don't get attention/there is something missing/bad marriage" have TWO separate issues:

1. They are not happy in their relationship.
2. They are cheating bastards.

They are two different, independent issues. Many men and women out there are going though bad relationships, not getting attention, and they do not cheat. Not all men say "I wasn't getting enough attention at home, so I cheated". Actually, there are other ways. For example:

1. "I wasn't getting enough attention at home, so I addressed the issue with my wife and now my relationship is much better."

1. "I wasn't getting enough attention at home, so I decided to end the relationship"

1. "I wasn't getting enough attention at home, so I talked to my wife, I actually found she was not happy either, so we went to relationship counseling and it worked/didn't work".

See? "So i cheated" is not the only way. It is only the way of weak, egotistic people. Honest, mature, trustworthy people have other ways.

Oh dear, this sounds very bad. I'm relieved you assume there is much more than you know.

Didn't show him lots of affection and attention at home you say?

Ask yourself Boys and be really honest about this. Was he lavishing attention and affection on you all this time? Did you feel cherished, loved and cared for, while you did everything in the house despite having a young baby and a pre-schooler? If not, what's the difference between you, apart from opportunity (although you could like him have gone on dating sites)?

Do you really, deep down think that's the real reason these infidelities have happened?

And do you think that if you smothered him in attention and affection for the next 40 years, this wouldn't happen again?

I also think the dating site registration gives away the truth of this situation. Your husband has said he 'gave in' to the attention, which implies he was somehow at the mercy of a veritable gang of flirting, predatory women. While I've got no trouble believing at least a couple of the women might have come on to him, I doubt they all did. But even if every single one of these women made the first move, the Dating site proves he was looking for opportunities, doesn't it?

I think he is a serial philanderer and you should run. So sorry, I cannot imagine how horrendous that realisation might be, but I think you'd be making such a grave mistake if you think that becoming every husband's dream would prevent this happening again. I think it's got nothing to do with his home life and everything to do with the innate selfishness that allows him to stand back while you run yourself into the ground doing everything at home, while he 'treats himself' to these adventures.

I agree that the dating website indicates he was searching for opportunities.

However, admittedly, and I'm being honest, he has always treated me like a Princess. Which is why its such a shock for me. We make time one night a week when he cooks me a romantic meal, he runs me baths, masages me, buys me thoughtful gifts, tells me he loves me every day, we kiss and snuggle every night, speak throughout the day on the phone, compliments me, listens and takes action if something is bothering me. He really has been a fantastic husband and father. Very thoughtful and caring.

In 2002 - 2008 we had a rough time, as I had depression, anxiety attacks and was quite irrational at times. I went off sex completely. Once we went over 9 months without any sexual contact.

Now this is very personal to me. I had counselling, and I am a million times better than I used to be. I'm (was) very happy, no anxiety, no depression, no counselling, we make time for each other. But in hindsight I think I am not as affectionate as he would like / need.

I am not excusing it. He could have been a man about it and spoke to me.

I love him with all my heart. Him and my Son's are everything to me.

But when I write it all down and read it, I say to myself, 'Get out of there, don't be ridiculous'.

I just wish I had an 'elder' type figure to speak to and get advice. Someone with life experience and wisdom!!

I suggest you look up madonna whore syndrome. That's what you have here love. He won't change.

The job certainly gives him opportunity. It will be hard to trust him if he stays in that job.

Men are opportunists that is for sure and if opportunity knocks then some men just wont say no if they think they wont get caught. For every woman who finds about about an infidelity there will be 10 who never find out.

Whether you can work through this is up to you. It will take some radical changes though like full and free access to his email/FB and phone for some time.

I have just had a quick google and I am at that Lego!!

Never knew such a thing existed.

Not sure if it applies though as we are now, erm, very experimental

There are some glaring contradictions here. How does treating you like a princess equate with you doing all the childcare and the housework? And if you kiss and snuggle up on the sofa every night, why does he say he's missing attention and affection? Does he mean sex? Is that true now - given that 2008 was 4 years ago?

He does treat me well. He works a lot though and as I'm a SAHM I do almost all the chilcare and housework. Dh washes the dishes after dinner in the evening, gets up in the morning with the baby and on his days off pulls his weight.

We snuggle up in bed every night. But like tonight, he has been home 2 hours and gone back out to work again. He'll be home around 11pm ish, by which time we're both knackered and as soon as we hit the hay we're asleep. So we don't get lots of quality time together. But the time we do have we have tried to make the most of it over the past few years. Like making sure one evening a week, he'll cook, we have a bath together, get an early night etc.

But where as he would have sex before he got out of bed every morning and before he went to sleep every night, tbh, I don't have the

This thread may be useful, esp Downunderdolly's post at 9.58

Ugh, he sounds horrible

what is this ?

"Confessions of the Gas man" ?

How bloody sordid

Op, you are worth more than this

You say "it's not the ultimate betrayal"

What would you call the ultimate betrayal...you finding him with his cock in some girl's mouth in your bed ?

You don't get much quality time together because he's out of the house so much, but evidently not always working. I'm sure he isn't always defrauding his employers and seeing women during working hours, but perhaps he'll lie about that as well. I see you say he's gone out again tonight to 'work', so it looks like he's still there sitting pretty under your roof, while you worry and fret.

So my love, this is where we came in. You've had a close, loving marriage in recent years and an experimental sex life. You do the bulk of the housework and childcare because he's 'at work' so much and not available to help, so you're often knackered.

And he has been looking for opportunities to have sex with lots of different women since at least 2010.

Have another read of your thread and try to imagine you were reading this from a different OP. Try to imagine 2 weeks ago making trade-offs with yourself that your husband getting blow-jobs from customers, going on dating sites, having relationships with several different women and lying to you for years, wasn't 'the worst type of betrayal'.

I'm sorry to have to ram this home, but wake up love. Your 'lack of affection and attention' didn't cause this.

he sounds very split. Wifey at home - one acting job; all those women out there who deserve a piece of his handsome sex self - another acting out.

Sorry to tell you this, and it really hurts to open your eyes to it: but you didn't cause this IMO.

What are your rows like. Do you silently argue with yourself (and how you 'should' be kinder, nicer, if you said it the right way he would hear you, etc) until you can't bear it any more, and then do you have a right slanging match where he tells you you are hysterical, mad, over-emotional? Then you feel bad and go back to silently arguing with yourself?

It is so hard to read you denying your right to have thoughts and feelings that you should be having.

Good luck, it is very very painful and heartbreaking, but you are sent pain to learn stuff.