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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really need a sounding board

25 replies

beingabitch · 08/02/2012 18:54

DP has 3 children with his ex wife and one with me and I am pregnant with another. His ex has been awful to me (assualt causing me to be hospitalised, malicious reports to social service among other things) and I don't entirely blame her as I was the other woman for a while whilst being told by them BOTH they were in an open marriage. I just want to be honest though I know I'll get flamed for it.

Right now I'm feeling a complete and utter bitch. In short dp has just called and said that ex has some tests at hospital where she MAY be diagnosed with a life threatening illness. He wants to spend tonight with her and take her to hospital. I don't mind him taking her to hospital even though I hate her I accept him having some responsibility for mother of his other children.

I cant stomach him spending night with her unless he explains a bit more about what is going on even then I'll find it hard. she has a history of making up illnesses so I don't know if this is her reacting to me being pregnant which she only found out recently or if its true.

The 3 children are all living away from home now so its not as if he has to be there to look after them.

I don't know what to do. I don't believe she's even sick yet dp clearly does.

sorry I sound so confused no idea what to do or where to turn.

Feel such a bitch for not just saying yes to dp but I can not bring myself to just tell him to go which is what he wants me to do

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 08/02/2012 18:58

Can he not go in the morning. I would not be happy with my dh staying with another woman for the night, particularly an ex.

oldqueenie · 08/02/2012 19:01

whether she is really ill or not why on earth does her EX husband have to spend the night with her?? if they both lied to you about the "open marriage I'm not suprised you find it hard to trust either of them now.

MerryMarigold · 08/02/2012 19:03

If she is really genuinely scared, there is surely someone (friend, relative, one of their kids) who can stay with her tonight. Smacks of manipulation to me. If your dp wants to help, perhaps he could try and get someone to stay with her (but not feel responsible for it).

lisaro · 08/02/2012 19:07

He's doing to you what he did to her.

OnlyWantsOne · 08/02/2012 19:09

I don't think it's appropriate that he would stay there. And he should understand that. He's your husband. Your pregnant with his baby. Tell him how you feel.

busybusybust · 08/02/2012 19:09

Totally agree with MM - he really doesn't NEED to spend all night with her - she needs to find a friend to invite for the night if she is really scared.

Do you honestly think she is making this up? She is one very sick lady if she is!!!!

I will say though, that her finding out about the 'life-threatening illness' and your pregnancy are possibly related.

You need to talk to 'imself' - tell him how you feel - and ask him why he still feels this responsibility for her. (Their kids have flown the nest - he need not have any contact wit her).

tallwivglasses · 08/02/2012 19:12

Does she have no other support? Really? Only he will do? Why?

Is he agreeing to this out of guilt or do you think he still has feelings for her? Are you scared she'll pounce on him? Are you scared he'd be a willing 'pouncee'?

MerryMarigold · 08/02/2012 19:15

I don't think it matters if it's a sexual thing about pouncing or whatever. It is just far too involved for an ex.

Original poster

beingabitch · 08/02/2012 19:17

I really do think she's making it up - sadly she has form for this sort of thing and the timing is too close to her finding out I'm pregnant.

But what if its actually true? Her kids are a long way away and she has very few friends left so far as I can tell.

lisaroo I'm not surprised at you saying that to be honest I thoguht it myself.

DP isn't home from work yet and so far I've said no but he's telling me I'm being unreasonable and his ex is really really scared.

shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

sorry got to get dd to bed and try to act normally for a bit now

OP posts:

BayPolar · 08/02/2012 19:18

Absolute no no.

SparklyRedShoes · 08/02/2012 19:19

I think you are being slightly unreasonable. You have to accept that not all exs are cold towards each other, especially when they have lived a life together at one time and have grown children. So he wants to give his ex some support. If you spent several years of your life with someone and things went wrong, would that mean you wouldn't want them to help you? I split up with my ex but we are still close friends. I'm sure he doesn't hate her and they were once very close to each other.

My question is are you convinced that your DH has chosen you as his most important other and is fully committed to you now? Because you sound quite insecure. Perhaps you need him to do more to make you feel less threatened by her and more secure.

There's no reason why you should like his ex after all the trouble she's caused, but equally you can't expect your ex to turn his back on the mother of his kids if he believes her to be really ill either. I think you should respect his kindness, not resent him.

Smum99 · 08/02/2012 19:25

Part of being separated is that you no longer have your partner to lean on in time of stress. I think he is trying to blur boundaries with you and maybe her. I do wonder what he is telling her about you?? maybe that you have both agreed to an open relationship.

It would be a deal breaker for me..he is making you out to be unreasonable but he is offering his ex support in the way a partner would. At best he still has emotions for her. I feel for you but I guess he is used to stringing along 2 women so this is 'normal' to him.

liveinazoo · 08/02/2012 19:26

i personally wouldntwant MY dp staying with EX regardless of circumstances.she must have someone else who can help if she needs emotional suport overnight

BayPolar · 08/02/2012 19:36

Bad advice from Redshoes.
Don't take it.

ClaraSage · 08/02/2012 19:43

'He wants to spend the night with her and take her to the hospital in the morning....'
Who knows, maybe now you re pregnant for the second time she is beginning to be the more attractive option.

Bucharest · 08/02/2012 19:44

It's not kindness on his part.

Tbh, I'd be questioning less if it's true, and more if it's as over between them as you have so far thought.

For the time being, I'd be telling him he could take her to the hospital tomorrow if she absolutely needs him to, but he stays with her tonight over my dead body. Then I'd be doing some serious talking to him when he comes home.

Original poster

beingabitch · 08/02/2012 19:56

Bucharest - to be honest I think I am starting to ask those questions.

Clara - well at least you're being honest but that thought really hurt. However, I want him to be happy and I want my children to be happy. If he can't be happy living with me then I know they won't be happy so maybe I should jsut let him go.

I just feel so confused :(

OP posts:

oldqueenie · 08/02/2012 19:57

well maybe talk to him first.... before "letting him go"!

Original poster

beingabitch · 08/02/2012 20:06

don't worry oldqueenie not making any decisions that have bearings beyond tonight and right now I can't even make that decision

Just so exhausted and I really don't need this crap

OP posts:

kens123 · 08/02/2012 20:15

Sounds like a caring guy. Don't be upset TC. Talk with him when he's done and work things out

ClaraSage · 08/02/2012 20:22

Sorry to have been so brutally honest OP.
Please talk to him and let him know how insecure this is making you feel.
He should not feel responsible for her and she should have someone (friend or family member) to support her.

kodachrome · 08/02/2012 20:23

I think him staying overnight is wildly inappropriate.

She has done some really nasty things - I mean hospitalising you and reporting you to the SS? Way out of proportion to your 'crime' against her. I would expect him to be on my side and most interested in supporting me, not going back for another round of mind-games with her.

If he wants to drive her, he should get up early. I still wouldn't be that impressed by him doing that.

ClaraSage · 08/02/2012 20:29

How long have you been with him ?

ClaraSage · 09/02/2012 16:10

Hope you are OK.

RockinD · 09/02/2012 19:59

My DH's ex wife has severe MH problems and that means that although they have been apart nearly 20 years now, at her instigation, he continued to support her emotionally after they separated and this continues, even though their child is now grown up.

When we married, I acquired some responsibility as well. When she was sectioned and their child was away at uni, I found myself trying to deal with the MH services to get her the care she really needs.

Each case is different. If this doesn't work for you OP, I would tell him, then it's up to him.

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