All you need is love...........Really?

[detoxneedednow]

Hi everyone.

I posted a few days ago because i'd reached breaking point, as pretty much every aspect of my life seemed to be falling to pieces, or just going nowhere.

I tried to get myself together and i've decided to try and tackle the most important issue first, which was suggested by many. That is, should me and dp stay together or not?

The title pretty much says it's all really. I do love dp, but I don't feel lust for him anymore and haven't for a long time to be fair. He's a really good looking bloke and he's very popular with the ladies. I see them looking at him all the time, but it takes more than looks for me to be completely attracted to him. I know he's still very attracted to me. Our sex life is very up and down(no pun intended) Sometimes it's actually really good, but most of the time i'm just not interested and the idea seems more of an effort than a pleasure. That's no reflection on his performance, he's very considerate and selfless in that department, but not in others.

We don't really have the same sense of humour. We don't really have anything in common, besides our dd. We argue most days. I really don't get on with his family, mainly his dad. He can be so aggressive and inconsiderate. He's a good daddy, but he's not a great dad if that makes sense. He's good at the playing and reading a bedtime story, but he doesn't seem to have any fatherly instinct like knowing when she's poorly, knowing what's unsafe/risky, knowing what she likes to eat.

We're engaged, but i've never actually wanted to go through with the marriage because it just doesn't feel right the way things are. I also don't want to be associated with his family anymore than I already am. He doesn't make me laugh and that's such a big deal for me. When i'm around people who are more on my wave length, I get sad because I know that when I go home to dp, they'll be no more interesting conversation or laughter.

I'm not saying that he's a bad guy, he isn't. He's very hard working and I know he loves me and dd more than anything in the world.

Please, any advice would be more than welcome. I really don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading.

If he's a decent human being, there is hope for setting up a good co-parent relationship with him ie you separate but amicably and share the parenting of your DC. BTW, was your DD planned or is this one of those situations where you got PG unexpectedly and decided to make a go of it when otherwise you would have drifted apart?

To be honest it sounds like your just not that into him. I know he loves
You but it's clear you don't feel as strongly as him.

It sounds of you married him you would be settling for an alright life of 'meh' rather
Than what I would expect to feel in a relationship.

I think you need to look and decide if that's the case... Would you feel like you were settling? Like there was some better feeling to be had elsewhere? And if so is it really fair him or yourself to carry on as you are and possibly hurt his feelings if you drag it
Out?

solid, it wasn't a planned pregnancy, no. I don't think dd is the only reason we have so far stayed together. Unfortunatley we come under' the can't live with each other, can't live without each other' catagory. Whenever we've seriously discussed splitting, the idea is just too painful and we decide that we just can't do it. Maybe we're just being cowardly, I don't know. Yes, he is a decent human being, but i'm pretty sure that if we broke up he would make things difficult regarding dd and access. He would be furious if and when a new man came on the scene.

Kayano, i'm really not sure if i'm that into him or not. There are certain parts of his character which I look up to, admire and even find inspirational, but again, i'm not sure if that's enough.

I've said it on here before, but dp said something very sad, but very telling once. He said "I know you are my soul mate, but I am not yours". It really hurt when he said it, but I kind of knew where he was coming from.

I fear that if we stay together i'll be forever wondering if I could have done better, or been happier. But, if we were to break up, i'd be terrified that i'd made a huge mistake and actually we are right for each other and that i'm just expecting too much out of a relationship.

Hm. I think you should definitely end the relationship, as firmly and kindly as possible. Because the awful burden of being loved by someone you are not in love with will grind you down and the atmosphere in your home will get progressively more poisonous.
And remember, it's OK not to love someone. It really is. And no matter how'nice'; the person appears, if s/he is using threats and emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping in order to make you remain their possession partner, then s/he is not, actually, a saint but a selfish inadequate.

I do agree with solid.

This kind of imbalance in how you feel about each other would leave him very insecure if he was a normal nice guy - although it sounds like he's actually sometimes rather scary tbh and not as nice as he should be. It's just not a healthy dynamic to have one partner highly aware that the other doesn't feel the same. Not to mention, as it stands, you might end up falling for someone else and then it'll smash apart anyway.

If it was right between you, you'd look forward to seeing your partner, not know you won't have laughs or interesting things to talk about when you do - that's just tragic and you should not sell yourself so short .

Nor should you be staying partly because you know he'll be a PITA about the dc and awkward if you move on. No - he's not right for you and you know it. Splitting is inevitably painful but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.

You can't really stay with him just because he would be furious if you met someone else. If you don't love him in that way then is there any point?

No one has any kind of right or entitlement to be loved by a specific individual, just because they want love from that individual. If you love someone who doesn't love you, the ethical thing to do is let that person go. Not whine, plead, threaten to drown yourself or threaten to make his/her life difficult if s/he wants to leave.

Thanks everyone. I completely understand where you're coming from.

kod, I have to admit, I do worry about possibly falling for someone else. I really don't think I would be capable of having an affair, but the idea of finding someone who is more on my wave length and who gives me that butterflies in the stomach feeling, equally excites and terrifies me. I do fantasise about being with someone who i'd be happier with, but i'm also realistic. That butterfly feeling doesn't normally last that long for most, but i'm not sure I ever really had it with dp. I think maybe I did for the first couple of months, but after that I began feeling trapped. He wasn't trapping me intentionally, it was just that I knew how much I loved him, but also knew we weren't really right for each other. I am quite cowardly I think. I hate that side of my character, but that's what's holding me back so much. But then I think maybe for once, it's not that and that we are right for each other. I just need to stop looking for perfection and stop looking at other couples with envy. I see couples laughing and looking contented and I wonder if it's more my problem, rather than his. Am I just looking for something that doesn't exist?

If I were to leave and eventually move on with someone else, my life will always be complicated and difficult now we have dd. I'll never stop loving him and I know that. Can you really move on and maybe fall in love with someone else and still love the father of your child? I just don't know.