How do I deal with this one? Long and delicate!

[confusedatbestoftimes]

Dp and I have gorgeous 11 week old dd who I would love to take to visit my parents. Unfortunately when I was younger my father was not the most appropriate in his behaviour with me and my sister and both of us can remember times when we were uncomfortable with they way he touched us in areas where he shouldn't have. It affected both of us growing up in the form of eating disorders and I had 8 years of therapy which I was coming to the end of when I met dp. I thought we had sorted out how things would be before TTC with long and open discussions. I also talked to mum about how dp felt. There is no way I would ever put my dd at risk and leave her unattended with my father but I have decided to maintain a relationship with him for sake of family. Dp now very uncomfortable with idea of me taking dd to visit my family (in France). I know this is really complex and would welcome other peoples views. Sorry to ramble on...

I have to say i agree with what everyone on here has said. I am sure that you are prioritising your babys needs otherwise you wouldnt have posted for advice.
with my proff head on (child protection social worker), i would say do not take her to visit your dad. Not that i dont believe you would protect her from visible abuse because from reading your post i am sure you would, people with these 'tendancies' have invisible forms of abuse such as 'grooming'. which is a procedure during in which they gain the childs trust by being ultra nice, buying things and generally being pleasant, this almost always moves on to some form of abuse, with the child usually threatened by the abuser not to tell. The biggest concern for me is that your dad has basically 'got away' with what he did, the issue appears to have been brushed under the carpet. He has not been punished in anyway shape or form for the abuse you suffered and the subsequent affects it has had on your adult life. It sounds like your mum and sister are just allowing him to get on with life as if nothing happened...as your parents they should have protected you and from what you have written it looks like they both failed on that count. Did your mother believe you? i dont know what country you are from byt Its also worth bearing in mind that the 1989 children act states that 'the welfare of the child is paramount' and that every child is entitled to be protected from harm or abuse.
you can only make your decision based on what you know in your own head, but if you would not be happy for your child to suffer as you did, do not place her in that situation. Im sorry if you found this post hard, but when you work with abuse every single day you become passionate about the protection of innocents.

I'm sorry if I upset you. I am tired and don't always preview for tact atm. However, I do stand by the gist of what I said. i would be HORRIFIED if my dh suggested taking my babies to visit anyone in his family who was even vaguely inappropriate around children, and it simply would be non-negotiable. It seems your family dynamics are difficult, but your dh is really not being unreasonable.

If someone is known to have abused children, then they are and always will be a risk, no matter what preventative measures you strive to take.

End of.

I don't think your DP is being unreasonable at all and frankly, think what you are doing to him - let alone your child - is awful. In his shoes, I would be absolutely frantic with worry.

Dizzy's post is spot on.

There is no way you can obliterate risk in a case like this, only minimise is ..... and a minimal risk is still far too dreadful to take.

I'm also sorry if my post upset you. I can understand your resentment that someone might think you are not putting your dd first. But I don't think you are really thinking about where your dd's relationship with your father is going to end up, and that was the point I was trying to make. You are maintaining your relationship with him "for the family", and that's fine for you, because you are an adult now and can control your relationship with your father much better. But to put your dd in a position where she gets to know, trust and love your father is a different question. She has no control over that relationship.

My parents didn't think they ever left me alone with my grandfather - they left me with both of my grandparents. But he still managed to do what he did to me. More than once it happened while my mother was in the same house - it only takes seconds sometimes. You cannot guarantee to be able to watch her all the time, particularly as she gets older, and you cann't guarantee that she will never be in a position where she is alone with him, even for a second.

I still maintain that in taking your dd to him you are sending out a message that what he did to you was OK. The fact that you have never spoken to him about it, and are now considering letting him into your dd's life, may seem to him to legitimise what he did to you.

You spent years in therapy and with eating disorders because of what this man did to you. It saddens me that even though it had that effect on you, you are still prepared to put him into your dd's life.

I really appreciate all that you have said - dp and I have decided to sit down with my parents and have it out. I feel sick at what this could potentially do to my mum in particular but dd has to come first. Have also contacted therapist who will see dp and me together afterwards should we wish. Difficult for me as we are not in UK and it will require trips over but I prefer to work with same person as before. This situation is so complicated and your responses were painful at times to read but very honest. Love to all other survivors. Will not be adding to this thread again as too difficult but if other people find it useful God bless you!

You said "DD has to come first".

I'm really pleased that you realise this (don't mean to sound patronising) and that you and DP will be tackling your parents together.

The process of dealing with this whole issue from now on may well be painful and upsetting (not only for you) but keep reminding yourself why you're doing it, and who you're doing it for - DD. You're definitely doing the right thing and I wish you luck.