I thought we were ok but dp still not happy....

[jerin]

We've had a couple of rough years......3 young children, both working, a house move but no time to get new place how we want it. No time to ourselves. It reached breaking point late last year and we nearly split but talked and gave it another shot. Things got better, we managed to get a few bits done around the house. Our sex life improved.

Dp announced yesterday that he's still not happy. I thought we were. It basically boils down to not enough sex. He's frustrated and has needs. Ive just had a nasty, painful heavy period and have have rejected his advances. I'm peri menopausal and sex is often uncomfortable for me. I've list my sex drive and I'm exhausted, working, running a home, looking after children all day.
He backed down and said he'd live with it but it's put me right back into a depressed fed up mess when I'd been happier than I had for months.

I don't want us to be over but I just feel so unsupported.
How can I improve my sex drive? And get rid of this hurt?

Does it have to be intercourse as far as he's concerned or would he be happy with other things?

I'm not surprised you're off sex if it's not pleasurable and you're knackered with housework, kids, etc - does he do a fair share of the non-paid work of your household?

Yeah he's great actually. Helpful around the house, good at DIY when I get him to make a start!

He just has a much higher sex drive. We both work shifts and sometimes opposites. He's never too tired and gets hurt if I am.

The popular and political view is that he should learn to be sensitive to your needs and think of the wider relayionship and not be a nuisance, and has no right to demand sex.

All that is true.

However, it is also true that sex, once it happenes, can help lift spirits, endorphins and kick start your self esteem at times you thought you were lost under a pile of domestic trudgery.

Aloha, a longtime veteran of this site, used to advocate 'acting as if' - acting - to YOURSELF - as if you feel sexy and interested in sex, and the 'acting as if' then generates a genuine desire for sex, which leads to enjoyment and relaxation.

This may not at all be the right approach for you, but if you love each other it is a shame for both of you to lose your sex life and the pleasure it brings.

He did back down - he clearly has desire for you, what about the old cliche, a night away?

If one of the main issues is that sex is uncomfortable, could you go to a GP and find out the reason?
You could have less lubrication, for example, or scaring from the births.

I think many people would identify with your situation. Especially with young kids. Sex just becomes another thing on the to-do list.

At the same time, the more you reject your DP, the more he pesters and the more resentful and resistant you become. And the more rejected he feels. It soon becomes a vicious circle.

Do you think things would improve if you had more time to yourselves? It sounds like to me you need to make more time to be just a couple rather than mum/dad.

It's great that you are talking about this- it's easier to deal with a problem if you know what it is! You sound like you have a strong relationship.

When you 'rejected his advances' did you tell him why at the time? I've had problems in the past when I haven't made it clear to my dh that it's NOT him that I am turning down, it's because I'm on period/too tired etc, and he feels rejected. So now I explain that I still find him attractive and sexy and try to make more of an effort when I do feel up for it.

How often do you actually have sex?

How often would he be happy with, and how often would you be happy with, and could you both be happy with the medium ground?

I'd look at ways of reducing your workload then to give yourself more time to be a human being rather than mum/worker/wife. Make sure you take any time you're owed. Perhaps drop a shift if you can afford to.

Drop or reduce or outsource unnecessary tasks - eg. if you iron, either stop altogether (my favoured option ) or cut down to work clothes/uniforms and just hang everything else, or send it out to be done if you can afford it. If the kids go to nursery/childcare maybe take up an extra couple of hours and use it for catching up on sleep or a bath - not housework! Make your life as easy as you can, it's hard when you have little children so slacken standards where you can.

I'd also address the discomfort, lube? Or visit to the gp. Your dh should understand you're uncomfortable sometimes. If he's amenable, replace intercourse with other sexual things, like mutual masturbation or just snogging on the sofa. If it's intercourse or it's not sex in his opinion, he's being selfish.

Thanks for all your replies.......

We really do need some time for ourselves.....I've been begging him for some us time for too long.

I thought I'd fallen out of love with him last year, but I was just exhausted. I love him very much. I want to desire him more. I'm sure if he ever left me alone for five minutes or said he just wanted a cuddle I would. I'm often scared to touch him as all roads lead to sex. Sometimes I just need a hug.

I guess we have sex 2 or 3 times a week. Not all weeks. It just depends on our shifts.

That's not a bad amount of sex. I was picturing once a fortnight or less!

He's doing bloody well for sex then! He needs to be knocking a few out on his own if he's that highly sexed.

Maybe you should have a talk (with a counsellor present?) about how it turns you off and turns sex into a chore if he always expects sex if you touch (perhaps not put as baldly, but in essence that's what he is making you feel). You're bound to withdraw if you feel such pressure, and he feels rejected and comes on strong at the slightest hint there could be sex - so creating a marriage mangling loop of behaviours.

I guess we have sex 2 or 3 times a week.

And he still complains... FFS??? That is way more than the average couple.

Oh... I thought you were going to say once or twice a month!

2 or 3 times a week with 3 young children, and he's complaining! And you have a medical condition that is making this uncomfortable?

He should be counting his blessings he gets it 3 times a week, not pressurising you.

Agree with kodachromes very succinct statement

Once or twice a week is pretty good with all that on your plate!!

Some of the give is going to have to be on his side I think.

And... helpful? Helpful?

Does that translate as him taking on 50% of every one of the thousands of little tasks that are making you feel so overwhelmed right now? 50%, assuming you both work pretty equal hours outside the home?

It doesn't sound like it. 'Helping' says a lot - it implies that the responsibility is yours, but he will give you lots of help. No, that's missing the point. It's the responsibility that is the killer - the mental mapping of we need to shop tonight or there'll be no dinner Friday, if I don't do at least one wash tonight I won't get it all done by x and there'll be no uniforms, we need to call the dentist/book a flight/go through the bank statements/buy Granny a card etc. etc.

Does he take part in this, or does he ask you what needs doing?

The latter is, over time, infuriating, unfair on you, a total burden and a passion killer extroadinaire.

I think 2 or 3 times a week when you both work and have 3 children is pretty good actually. Can he not masterbate? or is it more a desite to be sexually intimate with you rather than the pleasure of orgasm?

sorry to be so direct

And as for saying that you cant even have a cuddle because he would expect this to lead to sex, that makes me really for you.

Also, you say you had worked on your problems, were having sex more, things had improved & you thought you were happy......but then he informs you he's not so happy because you dont have enough sex? It sounds to me like he is using your recent marraige problems to pressure you into having sex more often which just isnt on.

How often did you have sex before these problems? What it much more frequent than 2-3 times per week?

God my DP would be over-joyed to have sex 2 or 3 times a week!

I agree with the "act as if" thing! Sometimes it's very easy to get caught up in the "can't be bothered" thing when actually, when you get down to it, it's actually rather nice!! And if you know it's bringing you closer together then that too will make you both feel good, meaning you'll want to do it more - result!

However, I too, think that 2-3 times a week, with work, kids, life in general is pretty good going. Perhaps you need to show him this thread!!

Maybe the 2-3 times a week was an exaggeration......I'm sure there are weeks when we manage 2or 3 times but then there are some when work gets in the way and we don't manage at all......

And yes, while he's very good at helping its mostly cooking and tidying, hoovering or making kids lunch.....
I'd love him to assume responsibility for sorting the bills, arranging the mortgage, I've almost managed to get him to sort the cars......
Birthdays, Christmas anything like that is all mine to arrange....

I work part time and he works full time. However, my days at work are longer than his and I'm frequently away. Usually returning to a pile of bills to sort. He has just about grasped the washing machine.....

He is also so quick to help or want to help others.....I just wish he'd see that we could do with getting jobs done in our house.....where are these so called family and friends when we need a hand? Sorry, veering onto a whole other thread now......

2-3 times a week is tha national average, I think, so the average amongst long term, 2 jobs plus kids plus shifts must be much less than that!

Tell him he's getting way more than his share, that might be good for his sense of wellbeing and self esteem!