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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help please re over-bearing/bullying FIL

45 replies

SparkleSoiree · 07/02/2012 23:23

Don't know where to start really. Don't want to write an epic yet need to convey crux of problem.

FIL is a chauvinist first off. Very much has it set in his mind that women do one role like preparing food and tend to mens needs whilst men go out and be 'the worker' as he refers to it. Very belittling in his tone and always with a smile/laugh. It is driving me nuts.

I have been with DH for 7 years now. He thinks I am lazy because I am not at DH's beck and call. He has no respect for me displayed by his derogatory remarks and I feel like a child in my own home when he is here because of his continual criticism. DH has pulled him up on it every single time he has heard it and only last year I ejected him from my home as he made one rude remark too many. This is his first visit back since then and I have tried very hard not to get into conflict with him. MIL and I often talk about women's roles in the world and if FIL overhears he raises his head and snorts almost as if it is pie in the sky philosophy. His opinion of me is made worse by the fact I had nasty PND 3 years back and he thinks I have been permanently left 'cuckoo' as he so nicely says.

There was an incident this evening in the kitchen where I had finished clearing the table after dinner (which I cooked) and had just loaded the dishwasher. I took out a bit of Vanilla baked cheesecake I had saved from yesterday (which is my favourite!) in the fridge and sat down. FIL came in and made a comment about me eating in secret tucking myself away from everyone who could see and that I was greedy. He complained to his wife that I was not sharing! He has a strange attitude to food and is very much 'I get served first' and will eat everything on the table until it is gone as he hates waste. He then stomped up the stairs still going off at me as he walked up and I choked on my cheesecake as I was so upset! (Not sure it's my favourite anymore Sad )

It's things like 'come on get the dinner cooked' or 'make me a hot drink' in very controlling tones that are making me feel like a slave! DH is great but I have told him after this visit I don't want his father in my home again because he makes me feel so bad. THEN I think that I allow him to make me feel bad and I need to stand up to this but I don't know how to without making a scene. DH is nothing like his father and we are definitely a partnership running our lives jointly but I do fear this may be the end of my in-laws relationship....I recently put my foot down with my over bearing mum nearly 2 years back and have managed to maintain that position with her so why can't I manage it with FIL? He laughs a lot at me when I get wound up with him and try to challenge his behaviour. Today my MIL told me I was a soft touch - you know in a nice way she said.

Advice anyone on how to deal with it in the future?

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 07/02/2012 23:30

not welcome back in you home is a good start.

RoughShooting · 07/02/2012 23:37

I'd just tell him to fuck off, I think. However, I'm not known for being a 'soft touch'! I reckon a response like 'oh, enough of your nonsense, get it yourself', or 'no need to be greedy, FIL, we can save some of this for tomorrow', or 'i'll eat whatever the fuck I want in my own house, you rude old man' would probably stop him from doing it after a few goes, but if it didn't I wouldn't want him to return and would let him know he was no longer welcome to visit.

basic · 07/02/2012 23:38

definately what blackeyedsusan has said.
doesn't your dh tell you fil this has to stop?
Your home don't allow people in who treat you like this.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 07/02/2012 23:41

Thanks for your replies. I wish I could just tell him to fuck off but my MIL would burst into tears I think!

DH has repeatedly told FIL to get off my back and not speak to me that way in my home or anywhere else but FIL just grunts back in response. FIL is ignorant but I just want to know what I can do to build up the confidence to deal with this myself.

I think I understand why my SIL doesn't have anything to do with him now!

OP posts:
whatnoketchup · 07/02/2012 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 07/02/2012 23:59

I'd simply say his rudeness and selfishness have got to the point where you agree with his daughter, and are unwilling to tolerate it any longer. When he is ready to consider why none of the younger generation of women in his family want him in their lives, and is prepared to amend his conduct and apologise accordingly, he is welcome to visit once more. Until then, he can regard himself as banned from your home and your presence.

Send it by mail. Calm, cool and final. Life is too damn short for this crap. And do you really want your kids seeing this kind of sexist nonsense in their own home? Or you so upset?

FezziwigLaVache · 08/02/2012 00:00

You would think on the first visit back after a banishment following an ejection, he would at least try to keep it shut, esp when he knows your DH won't hesitate to defend you. He just sounds like a dyed-in-the-wool unpleasant person and I think not having him back sounds like an excellent move. Would MIL come on her own?

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 08/02/2012 00:00

It does feel like I am being sapped of energy and positivity. I am always on edge wondering what he will say next and mentally stealing myself to be strong and not allow him to see me upset.

It's shit actually. But I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 08/02/2012 00:08

My SIL has married into the family like myself and like ourselves she runs her own business. FIL believes business is no place for women. Mil wouldn't visit on her own as FIL drives her everywhere. We are due to move soon so won't see them as often but it means if we allow them to visit they will stay for much longer.

I do feel that it is a case of no more visits until he gets a grip of himself.

I know I don't need to justify my existence to him, that I am important in my own right and that DH and I have a great life together. But I have never met anyone so chauvinistic in my life. You are right that I don't want my girls seeing this example of behaviour...

I don't understand why it is gotten to 6/7 years in before I start to see what he is really like.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 08/02/2012 00:21

The problem is that you can be a perfectly strong person usually, but some people are just so oblivious to others they roll over them like Sherman tanks. Their self-belief overwhelms. And in his case, he plainly doesn't see you as fully human, and probably never will. That really doesn't matter - not like he is anyone of significance in your life - but it does matter when he IS in your life. And in your shoes, I'd be very worried about his having contact with my daughters without being very sure their Dad would pick up on his belittling them or you at every opportunity. I'm big on kids having a right to contact with all sides of the family (try to get my MIL to see DS, though her total lack of interest makes this hard) but if he is likely to damage them then that's not really in their interests. Only you can know how likely that is, but someone telling them their having an X instead of a Y chromosome makes them inherently lesser, and that their mother is cuckoo, and behaving as he does? I'd have grave worries.

perfectstorm · 08/02/2012 00:22

"I do feel that it is a case of no more visits until he gets a grip of himself. "

Yes, this. He needs to understand the principle of basic courtesy. Nobody is asking any more than that. If he can't manage that then he is going to be a very lonely old man.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 08/02/2012 00:25

That is all I want - basic courtesy. I just don't want his nastiness in my house.

One issue is that MIL always minimises his behaviour with things like 'oh leave him be, he is just being FIL you should know that by now'

It makes you feel as if you are over reacting.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 08/02/2012 00:31

Tell your MIL that he may be "just being FIL" but that's no reason you have to tolerate it.

I can't stand the belief that just because someone is an arsehole, the rest of the world is obliged to accommodate that.

lisaro · 08/02/2012 00:33

He sounds a twat but with visitors in the house you don't hide away and snaffle a pud. That's appalling manners. Surely you were brought up to know that. Or are we missing the whole big pic here.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 08/02/2012 00:35

Lisaro are you kidding me?

OP posts:
whatnoketchup · 08/02/2012 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 08/02/2012 00:38

You are doing exactly what he did. I was sat in my own kitchen, in full view of everyone should they feel the need to come and watch, eating my own food. What is wrong with that? Everyone had eaten and left the kitchen already and my meal time was spent up and down from the table sorting everyone else out.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 08/02/2012 00:39

Appalling manners is a fully grown man staying in my house, in my bed, receiving my hospitality for over 5 days now and verbally insulting me as he goes.

OP posts:
Ifancyashandy · 08/02/2012 00:45

TBH, I wouldn't have had the cheesecake if there wasn't enough for everyone (unless everyone had had theirs earlier) BUT the bigger picture seems to be that your FIL is an unmitigated twat and should in no way speak tim you like that in your own home or anywhere else.

whatnoketchup · 08/02/2012 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carernotasaint · 08/02/2012 00:55

Sparkle was up and down from the table during her meal seeing to everyone else including that entitled fuckwit i presume. Maybe she just wanted to enjoy her dessert without having to get up and down between mouthfuls or is she not entitled to eat in peace because she hasnt got a willy.

zipzap · 08/02/2012 01:03

Play fil bingo - fill up a card with all the different things that he usually says and each time he says one whip it out and shout bingo. Don't explain it to him - at least not initially - he'll wonder what you ate doing. Have a couple of generic ones in there too - sexist drivel joker, racist pomposity joker etc to enable you to catch most things.

For each square/line/full house work out a little treat, even if it is just a square of choc or a glass of wine. If you get a full house during his stay then promise yourself a big treat. Get dh involved too. Then you'll be willing him to say something stupid so you get your treat because you have taken the power out of his comments by turning them into a silly game.

Also work out a single line to use against fil whenever he comes out with a nasty comment - I'm sure others here will come up with something better but if he thinks he is big strong man try to counter that. So maybe laugh and you are such a silly old thing with your 19th century views. You're just embarrassed because you know you're not good enough to compete with women these days, bet you're glad you could use society to bully them and hold them back in your day'

Like I said, needs work, but you get the drift of what I'm getting at hopefully. Sounds like the old MN classic 'did you mean that to sound rude?' isn't worth bothering with as not only does he mean it but he wants to be rude and wind you up so you need to hit him back in the same way - by finding something that will hurt his ego. Then just keep trotting out your line (bonus points if you need to use it 5 times a day/morning/meal/etc to add to FIL bingo reward scheme!). If he gets tired of you spouting it then just point out that if he wasn't nasty old man spouting horrid crap then you wouldn't need to remind him how to behave in this century...

Good luck!

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 08/02/2012 01:06

Thanks carernotasaint. Not sure anyone was getting that drift.

ZipZap - that just cheered me up no end! Thank you! Will have a giggle with DH on that! Grin

OP posts:
Ifancyashandy · 08/02/2012 01:14

Nope, I wouldn't have eaten the pudding alone if it were the MIL who was a twat. A penis (or lack of) would have nothing to do with me eating the cake (or not). I wouldn't eat it because I would feel uncomfortable. Obviously but the same for the OP. I wouldn't care or comment if my SIL / DIL (for example) did as the OP did.

I would think anyone who spoke to me like that a bullying idiot and would take to steps to stop it.

perfectstorm · 08/02/2012 01:51

My jaw is on the floor at the idea that a woman who has just cooked and served a meal for a large family group, and been unable to focus on anything but their needs, is not allowed to sit and savour a piece of leftover cheesecake (made for said group by that woman, the rest eaten by them on a prior meal) in peace and quiet after clearing away in her own damn kitchen. If she'd done that when everyone else was sitting watching a film one afternoon, without offering to share something, sure, rude. But they'd all just eaten! What is she, staff?!