Should I leave it or try and discuss it? Relationship/friendship gone cold.

[mumworried]

OK I'll try and be brief.
New collegue started workforce end of last year.

We chatted lots and he messaged me which often ended up often just chat about general shit - films etc. Conversation then got more intimate, fears, future etc.

Met up one evening with my DS as he was looking after someone, was just mates etc. We really clicked and arranged to meet up at pool one day as I was starting to swim again and he uses gym. Had a really good time. Previous to this he has been saying really complimentary things and is one of these people who's quite astute so seemed to have me sussed iyswim? Scary but nice at the same time!

Then he popped over one evening and we had a great time, real laugh and ended up cuddling on sofa and kiss on cheek on leaving. Came round few days later cuddles and lip kiss on leaving. After that it was getting heavier but we both said we really didn't want to complicate things as we are collegues and that we would be friends. There was no intention to get more intimate but it was happeneing and we did laugh, talk about it. We were very open.

Things kept going and we had sex a few times.

Now we communicated well through this and appeared on the same page. We continued to chat loads. Agreed to keep it as friends.

Now this is where I am stuck on what to do. It seemed as though he was cooling off towards me and we were having more of a friends relationship which tbh was easier. (not easy facing someone at work a night after sex and pretending nothing has happened!) Then suddendly I got a very caring message after he'd seen me chatting to a collegue and had been upset. I said all fine just having one of those days but thanks for asking etc.
It just then got to the point where he seemed like he couldn't be bothered to reply, or short replies if I messaged him and he didn't really try and contact me.

Now though (2 weeks later) it seems he's finding things to talk to me about at work?

I really did start to like him but always knew he didn't want more because of work situation. I did believe him though when he said we had a good friendship.

Part of me really wants to ask him why the sudden cold shoulder because I feel like a mug and he lied to me but part of me thinks (in a way knows) it's not the cold shoulder but can't work out what it is?

So should I ask and how should I word it!

BTW I am not as childish and needy as my post comes across but having been single for 6 years! I really am out of touch on what to do here and the etiquette if you like!

Well clearly you're not that open because if you were you'd have both articulated your thoughts and spoken about it.

Speak to him and be frank ( and honest)

In 99% of cases most blokes far prefer this approach.

Yeah basically just wanna ask what has changed and why he's coming across as an arse!

Need to find a better way of wording it though! Guess I don't want to sound needy and am really finding it hard to ask without sounding that way!

help me!

Who said "lets keep this simple" first? Because if it was you, he might have thought you were just saying that when you agreed to have sex with him.

Actions speak louder than words. Your actions said to him "I want you, and I don't mean as 'just friends' ". Then your actions said "I don't want you, I've found a new guy instead" and now you're confused? What about him?

His thought process went something like: "oh, ok, just friends, that's fine. Oh, not just friends, that's better- sweet :). Oh, now she's found another guy, thanks for using me..."

If you want him, have him. If you don't, then don't screw him. If you said you wanted him with your actions, then didn't suddenly, expect him to be off with you as he feels rejected. If you want to say something, then say that you shouldn't have had sex as you want this to remain professional/just friends and you're sorry that you led him on (Because by the sounds of things, you did). Your actions have had consequences.

Then suddendly I got a very caring message after he'd seen me chatting to a collegue and had been upset. I said all fine just having one of those days but thanks for asking etc.

Did he think you had given him the cold shoulder by not elaborating? He may have thought you were upset about your relationship and speaking to a colleague about it! He may have avoided you afterwards to give you space and to keep a low profile at work to avoid gossip.

Think you should just approach him and clear the air.

OK so the consenus is just ask. I guess I have nothing to lose as right now I have no idea where things are.

I can't remember who said about friends. He was very open talking about what had happened and how he hadn't intended it to, and I expect I just agreed. I'm not very good at saying how I really feel. TBH at first I didn't want/ expect anything to happen but I did really start to like him. Which shocked me.

I probably should have worn my heart on my sleeve back then but guess it's time to do it now.

BTW I never led him on! All the sexual stuff was initiated by him, it's just when it started I realised it's what I wanted.