Had an affair, what do i do now??

[Feellikerubbish]

This is long, sorry as i can't shorten it. I know some people wouldn't have good things to say about me but i have no-one to talk to and really would appreciate hearing from others, good or bad comments. I've posted before but my situation has changed slightly now. I've been with DH (i say DH but not married) for over 16 years. He's always worked hard for us to have a better lifestyle. We moved in together 5 years ago, a year before our first child was born. Our second is on the way and due next month. He has never been the affectionate type of guy. We argued a lot before our son was born and he never wanted to marry but i did. After our son was born, we were blissfully happy for a year before, long working hours, looking after our son etc, stress kicked in. Then came a family bereavement at the same time i was having trouble concieving and IVF looked like the only way forward (conceived naturally in the end). We started bickering a lot, lack of understanding. He worked longer hours than me, comes home late and expects me to have wild passionate sex when i have to get up early to go work in the morning, i'd want to cuddle sometimes but all he's do is keep groping me and wanting sex. If i said i was tired and wanted to sleep, he'd question why i'm tired since i work less hours than him even though i'm at home after work looking after our son and i'd be the one who gets up in the night to tend to him. He was also obsessed with the house being clean, tidy and clutter free. When i spend time cleaning and tidying up, all i get is negative comments, that i haven't done this properly or that properly. Don't get me wrong, he's great as he loves cleaning, tidying and cooking but i just can't keep up with his expectations. He often called me at work, getting me into trouble, just to ask me what he should do with things he finds while he's tidying up. All he ever did was talk about de-cluttering the house or his work. Sometimes, me and our son would set up a game to play together as a family and would be sitting there waiting until DH is ready as he's washing dishes or doing some kind of housework that could quite frankly, wait a few minutes. This was the time i met OM. He was someone i had a crush on at school. he liked me also but because his best friend had a massive crush on me, he stayed away (i found out a year into seeing DH). It was only a teen crush that meant nothing and we never kept in touch. We met up, just as friends to catch up and we got on like a house on fire. I knew he still liked me by the look in his eyes. we carried on chatting online and on the phone and one thing led to another. I didn't intend to have an affair but i happened. DH found out ( i told him some of it as i felt guilty but he went mad before i got to finish, he found out the rest). DH called OM in which OM told him he loved me, that was when i found out too. I though DH would run once it was all out in the open, but he stayed. When i found out i was pregnant (definitely DH's baby for sure) and i told OM, i expected him to leave but he didn't. Our time together was not really sexual, it was mostly emotiional. He told me he has never loved anyone the way he loved me (not even his long term ex gf) and that he knows i'm the one. Before we parted, he did everything he could to keep me, talk of living together should my son accept him and that if i left DH, he wouldn't watch me struggle and will help no-matter how big or small, that he will love my kids the best he could. He asked me to promise him that should i become single to call him as he wouldn't want to miss out on a chance of being with me since he missed out twice (once at school and once now). We cuddled and cried when we parted. I love him and yet still now i cannot get him out of my mind. He was single and occasionally went on lads holidays, bars/clubs etc although he said since meeting me, he's realised how much he would trade in going out with friends to spend time with me and that just because he has friends who are not family orientated, doesn't mean he isn't. When he was in a long term relationship, he said he lost most of his friends through choosing to stay home with his ex. DH on the other hand is family orientated and would much rather be with me than his friends. DH didn't walk away, he loves me still, realised that he wasn't affectionate before and has been much more since. I chose to stay with DH as i couldn't see OM loving my kids the way their father would and also couldn't bear the thought of making DH a p/t dad and my kids missing out. DH kicked me out when he initially found out as the house is his. I moved into a room with my son at my mothers house and have been there since. Baby no.2 is due next month and although me and DH are getting on fine since going counselling last October, he says he's biting his tongue with me as i'm not as organised as him. We had a massive conversation about me putting a plate on the kitchen worktop instead of the dishwasher!! We have both admitted that we are not ready to move back in together and DH said he'd prefer me to get my own place until we are both ready. but when baby no.2 comes, there will not be enough room at my mothers without someone sleeping in the lounge. I cannot afford private accomodation without the help of housing benefit but all landlords would require a guarantor which i don't have. I've been on the council waiting list for months now but the demand is just too high. Our son is happy being at his nan's although there are some friction between me and my mother as i'm constantly told what to do or not to do with our son! But he is settled and thinks daddy is decorating our house so we could go back when it's clean (that is true). Now the house is finished, baby due in a few weeks, no where else to go, what do i do? Do i go back and risk it going wrong when we are both not ready and affect my son again when he's already settled? I can't help thinking if i left DH now, OM will help. I have 2 people who loves me, one i love but not in love with like before but is the father of my kids and one who i am in love with but not the father of my kids and my kids would miss out on time spent with their dad. what do i do? Ideally, i would like things to work out with DH but it will take a long time for him to put affair behind him, he still gets bad days and i find it difficult living with him with his very demanding ossession with the house being clutter free, clean and tidy. We have a newborn soon and a 4 year old so i won't be able to keep up with keeping the house at the standard he wants. I don't see it as home anymore since he told me it's his house. I'm really depressed. I can't talk to anyone :(

sorry, but this is really difficult to read without paragraphs.

Hopefully someone not on a tab can break that up. It's too hard to read without paragraphs.

Ok that is difficult to read but I have tried to wade through it the best I can, apologies if I miss anything.

I am assuming you have cut contact with OM?

If you have and you are now being honest, you are attending counseling and want to make things work then frankly I think your DH is being an arse to not allow you home when you are about to have DC2.

The timing is such that you either make ago of it or not. If he doesn't want to then I'd stop feeling guilty about "making him a part time dad" (since that seems to be his choice) and get on with forging a life alone.

in paragraphs:

This is long, sorry as i can't shorten it. I know some people wouldn't have good things to say about me but i have no-one to talk to and really would appreciate hearing from others, good or bad comments. I've posted before but my situation has changed slightly now.

I've been with DH (i say DH but not married) for over 16 years. He's always worked hard for us to have a better lifestyle. We moved in together 5 years ago, a year before our first child was born. Our second is on the way and due next month.

He has never been the affectionate type of guy. We argued a lot before our son was born and he never wanted to marry but i did. After our son was born, we were blissfully happy for a year before, long working hours, looking after our son etc, stress kicked in.

Then came a family bereavement at the same time i was having trouble concieving and IVF looked like the only way forward (conceived naturally in the end).

We started bickering a lot, lack of understanding. He worked longer hours than me, comes home late and expects me to have wild passionate sex when i have to get up early to go work in the morning, i'd want to cuddle sometimes but all he's do is keep groping me and wanting sex.

If i said i was tired and wanted to sleep, he'd question why i'm tired since i work less hours than him even though i'm at home after work looking after our son and i'd be the one who gets up in the night to tend to him.

He was also obsessed with the house being clean, tidy and clutter free. When i spend time cleaning and tidying up, all i get is negative comments, that i haven't done this properly or that properly. Don't get me wrong, he's great as he loves cleaning, tidying and cooking but i just can't keep up with his expectations.

He often called me at work, getting me into trouble, just to ask me what he should do with things he finds while he's tidying up. All he ever did was talk about de-cluttering the house or his work. Sometimes, me and our son would set up a game to play together as a family and would be sitting there waiting until DH is ready as he's washing dishes or doing some kind of housework that could quite frankly, wait a few minutes.

This was the time i met OM. He was someone i had a crush on at school. he liked me also but because his best friend had a massive crush on me, he stayed away (i found out a year into seeing DH). It was only a teen crush that meant nothing and we never kept in touch. We met up, just as friends to catch up and we got on like a house on fire. I knew he still liked me by the look in his eyes. we carried on chatting online and on the phone and one thing led to another.

I didn't intend to have an affair but i happened. DH found out ( i told him some of it as i felt guilty but he went mad before i got to finish, he found out the rest). DH called OM in which OM told him he loved me, that was when i found out too. I though DH would run once it was all out in the open, but he stayed.

When i found out i was pregnant (definitely DH's baby for sure) and i told OM, i expected him to leave but he didn't. Our time together was not really sexual, it was mostly emotiional. He told me he has never loved anyone the way he loved me (not even his long term ex gf) and that he knows i'm the one.

Before we parted, he did everything he could to keep me, talk of living together should my son accept him and that if i left DH, he wouldn't watch me struggle and will help no-matter how big or small, that he will love my kids the best he could. He asked me to promise him that should i become single to call him as he wouldn't want to miss out on a chance of being with me since he missed out twice (once at school and once now). We cuddled and cried when we parted.

I love him and yet still now i cannot get him out of my mind. He was single and occasionally went on lads holidays, bars/clubs etc although he said since meeting me, he's realised how much he would trade in going out with friends to spend time with me and that just because he has friends who are not family orientated, doesn't mean he isn't. When he was in a long term relationship, he said he lost most of his friends through choosing to stay home with his ex.

DH on the other hand is family orientated and would much rather be with me than his friends. DH didn't walk away, he loves me still, realised that he wasn't affectionate before and has been much more since. I chose to stay with DH as i couldn't see OM loving my kids the way their father would and also couldn't bear the thought of making DH a p/t dad and my kids missing out.

DH kicked me out when he initially found out as the house is his. I moved into a room with my son at my mothers house and have been there since. Baby no.2 is due next month and although me and DH are getting on fine since going counselling last October, he says he's biting his tongue with me as i'm not as organised as him. We had a massive conversation about me putting a plate on the kitchen worktop instead of the dishwasher!! We have both admitted that we are not ready to move back in together and DH said he'd prefer me to get my own place until we are both ready.

but when baby no.2 comes, there will not be enough room at my mothers without someone sleeping in the lounge. I cannot afford private accomodation without the help of housing benefit but all landlords would require a guarantor which i don't have. I've been on the council waiting list for months now but the demand is just too high. Our son is happy being at his nan's although there are some friction between me and my mother as i'm constantly told what to do or not to do with our son! But he is settled and thinks daddy is decorating our house so we could go back when it's clean (that is true).

Now the house is finished, baby due in a few weeks, no where else to go, what do i do? Do i go back and risk it going wrong when we are both not ready and affect my son again when he's already settled? I can't help thinking if i left DH now, OM will help. I have 2 people who loves me, one i love but not in love with like before but is the father of my kids and one who i am in love with but not the father of my kids and my kids would miss out on time spent with their dad. what do i do?

Ideally, i would like things to work out with DH but it will take a long time for him to put affair behind him, he still gets bad days and i find it difficult living with him with his very demanding ossession with the house being clutter free, clean and tidy. We have a newborn soon and a 4 year old so i won't be able to keep up with keeping the house at the standard he wants. I don't see it as home anymore since he told me it's his house.

I'm really depressed. I can't talk to anyone sad

(i am not the OP btw, in case anyone gets confused)

So sorry i didn't put it into paragraphs, am at work and had to be as quick as i can!

SaraBellumHertz- DH is not saying i can't go back home, he's worried that i might leave again if it doesn't work out and he said he's finding it difficult as i haven't shown remorse. That doesn't mean i don't feel guilty but i have had to endure all the pain of hurting OM and DH's family, worrying about my son's happiness and at the same time, my pregnancy too. And if i've made the right choice.

I don't think you should be making any choices right now. I think that you should use this opportunity to give yourself a breather and think. Actually being at your mums is a good opportunity for this and actually quite brill despite obvious difficulties.

A couple of points that come to mind: Despite 16 years together, your DH has never married you, even though you wanted to. Why not? Especially since both of you planned a second baby and were prepared to have IVF? Why if he wants you back, is he telling you to get a flat on your own? I get the feeling that he makes you feel rather inadequate with his constant belittling over housework etc. Perhaps it is not really you he wants right now, but fear of losing everything you represent together i.e. family with children etc.

Other man: what has he done that really demonstrates his commitment to you and a possible family? An affair is exciting and new, plus you were his secret school boy crush. How can you be certain that after a few years he will not get bored when the reality doesn't match up to the fantasy? Are you sure that you really are in love with him, because the in love feeling settles down to something much calmer later on. Is it real love?

I'm inclined to say do not go back to your husband, or the other man and start building a life for yourself on your own. This will enable you to really decide what you want from a position of strength and not just that stuck between two men. Right now you should concentrate on your pregnancy. I'll also say that if you do eventually go back to your DH and want to get married he should step up.

Also. I don't think you should consider going back to DH just because he is the children's father, or because of guilt. Do it for the right reasons. Because you really love him. Whatever decision you eventually make OM or DH throw yourself into it 100%.

Best of luck for the future x

Yes, it does come across as though you want a man to look after you, rather than wanting either of them for the qualities they bring as individuals.

It also seems odd that if you were so unhappy with a husband who you've painted as obsessive and demanding, you elected to have another child with him at a time when you were having an affair with someone else.

I'd suggest being on your own for a good while. It's going to be horribly confusing for your son if you move somewhere with the OM and it might do you good to be independent and single for a while.

I think if I was in either man's shoes, I wouldn't think you were with me for any other reason than you need a roof over your head and someone to lean on.

I don't think your DP will change - and he doesn't make you happy. The demands over housework etc will continue and so will the general emotional coldness he displayed that made the OM so attractive in the first place. If not, worse, because of your affair. I don't think he is the man for you.

I would look at more options for getting a deposit together for your own place, like credit unions etc and council schemes to help house people, even if not a council house itself. When the baby is born, your need for housing will be higher priority anyway. Keep going back, get advice from CAB or Shelter - and if necessary have your mum tell the council she is going to evict you.

You could even ask your dp to go guarantor - he has a responsibility to your dc to make sure they are housed appropriately. I hope he is providing child support.

SparklyRedShoes - i do want to have time to myself but i can't get a place to live. DH won't help even though he's not ready for me to move back, he wants me to move back but it's more for the kids as the 2nd one is coming soon.

He didn't want to marry before because he saw it as just a piece of paper but after our son was born, he wanted to but i no longer did.

Hattytown- When affair first started, i had no idea i was pregnant. Loved DH a lot, bit my tongue all the time and put up with the obsession with cleanliness as i thought nobody is perfect. Also there was a lot of stress with trying for a baby so put it all sown to that too that we were not getting on well.

I know i come across as wanting someone to look after me and my kids. Whichever road i take involves my kids. If i didn't have kids, the decision would be easy.

kodachrome - I thought the same, that DP and I may eventually have more friction than before because of the affair.

The problem with housing is that i am not happy at my mums. I share a box room with my son and when baby comes, it will be too crowded. I don't want to end up in a hostel and confuse my son even more at a time when he has to come to terms with a new baby as well. I don't earn much in my job so saving up will take me forever. DP won't be a guarantor, doesn't earn enough to be one. In terms of child support, he still pays for what he has to but nothing more.

Are there any landlords out there who don't need a guarantor? How does housing associations work? what are credit unions?

Gosh, what a nightmare. I do not think you and your ex (sorry, he is your ex, he has kicked you out.) sound very well suited together, and I honestly dont blame you for falling for somebody else.

This man did not want to marry you. He is picking on you regards to housework, and he is not affectionate, aside from pestering you for sex.

I would say good riddance and be glad you got away so easily. I think you are wise to bide your time and move on.

It seems to me that the only benefit to you in staying with your ex is to have a home. But hang on, he is not willing to give you that!

Which brings me to finding a flat for yourself and your children. You are not married, you are a single, working, pregnant mum. You should try to both find private lets (go to rightmove.com and see what you can find in your area), try housing associations and stay on the council waiting list. Go to entitledto and see what benefits you would get.

Good luck.

Quintessentialyhollow- I keep looking on righteous but no one accepting housing benefit or I don't even get a reply. the ones who does accept HB wants guarantor which I don't have and all the properties are in less desirable places. I can't find a way!

DP overall is a kind family man who adores our son. He works hard and rarely goes out to watch football or drink with friends, instead opting to stay with us. That's the part of him that I do love which OM claims to be that way if we were together. I can't bear to make him a p/t dad. He said he won't be obsessive with the house anymore and would opt to get a cleaner. I have doubts and worry the effect it will have on our don if we split again when he's a little older. But unless I moved back, I wouldn't know if we would work after all this has happened.

Could you start counselling together?

What would happen if you got a cleaner?
Got married?

I think, if I were you and in your position, I would try to make him agree to the following three things:

1. You move back in to make a real go of it.
2. You get a cleaner so the house stays clean, but you dont have to do so much cleaning.
3. Couples counselling, and ;
4. Marriage so you have an equal partnership, rather live in fear of losing your home.

QuintessentialyHollow- We have been attending weekly counselling sessions since last October. It seems to be helping him cope and things between us are generally much more better than before counselling. But it doesn't seem to be helping me much. Feelings for OM still exists.

DP does want to make a go of things but struggling with the fact i haven't shown him enough remorse. I can't force that on.

Cleaner, he said he will get but i fear he will still make comments about things in the house not done his way. I guess this is a subject we need to talk about during counselling.

In terms of marriage, since the birth of our son, he wants to marry but i don't. I wanted marriage then children. If he didn't want to marry me before having kids, i want him to marry me now not because of the kids but because he wants me. Also, since experiencing what i did with OM, i want to get married to someone when it felt right and it doesn't feel right with DP at the moment.

I understood perfectly well that you weren't pregnant when you started your affair OP, I was just puzzled why if your marriage was so unhappy and was the reason you believe you had an affair, you persevered with having another child in a marriage which you found unsatisfactory? Is it possible that you're rewriting history a bit here after the fact?

Whatever your reasons, it seems obvious that it would be a very bad idea to reconcile with your exDP. You are in love with someone else, you believe the problems you experienced in your marriage would still be there and it looks like you would be reconciling for comfort and security alone.

I think you might be helped by taking the long view here in relation to your son's needs too. It's very unlikely that your relationship with his dad would survive and he and your new child would be subjected to yet another physical and emotional upheaval further down the line.

If your partner were posting here and he said that his DP had been having an affair that she didn't regret or feel remorseful about and was still in love with the OM, I'd advise him to cut his losses and move on. I'd also encourage him to work out a 50-50 or shared parenting arrangement so that he could continue fathering his children and maintaining a good paternal relationship.

You are honest that you still have feelings for the OM. You need to deal with them, and make a decision that you do not want a relationship with the OM before you'd be able to make a commitment to your DH. There isn't room for two in your heart, you need to make a choice.

If you think you want to really put OM aside in your heart, sit down with DH and clearly work out what you both want, and what you need to do to make it happen. Set out the rules you both want to live by - like respect, honesty, affection and trust. And a time frame over which to keep track - maybe set goals for 3 months, 6 months etc. Your marriage counsellor should be helping you with this.... but nothing can happen until you give up on the OM.

Or decide once and for all that your relationship with your DH is over.... with or without the OM. Because honestly you don't know if that is a real prospect or not do you?

You are well and truly in limbo... and you are the only one who can get yourself out.