Help me out with some advice please!!!

[helpmeout]

Hi,
I just wondered if anyone out there could give me some advice on this. My husband (who I have been married to for 10 years) came home from the pub the other night and 'asked me' if he could go on a weeks golfing holiday with the boys for a week next February. He has only been away once before for a stag weekend when our son was a baby - he is now 5. I was quite shocked and didn't handle it very well, mainly I was surprised that he was happy to leave our son for a week (I was not bothered about myself!). Anyway I said that I would never stop him and it was his decision. However we then had a huge row and he suddenly starting going on about what an over protective mother I am and how I live my whole life around our son. I know some of it is true - we tried for a baby for years and in the end we had IVF. However our son was born early and it was touch and go for many weeks so as I said I am probably over protective. Also, we haven't been able to have anymore children which we both would dearly want. He then went on about what a sad life I live and how I never go out which is complete rubbish. I have always made an effort to keep in touch with my friends so of which I have know for 20 years. He said he would happily have our son if I wanted to go away, but he knew full well that I will probably not do this - definetly not for a week anyway. It is now 3 days later and he is still in massive sulk although I said he could go. Can anyone help me - I don't know what to do but it is driving me mad!

My life revolves around my kids too, and I wouldn't go away for a week either. DD1 was born early and was very ill so I know just what you mean.

Hi helpmeout! Sounds to me like he was guilty over going golfing so he engineered an argument to make you seem like the guilty one. Now he realises he was cruel, but being a man doesn't know how to humbly apologise and doesn't want to lose face. He is also now guilty over what he has said to you ... hence the sulk.
How about giving him a cuddle and telling him you love him.

helpmeout, I think men tend to want to do things like this (mine would love to go on a golfing holiday but is probably not game to ask). I know how you feel, I think it's more the fact that they want to go away with their mates, rather than with you as a couple or as a family.

DH and I always take our holidays together but I'm probably fortunate that he doesn't push the issue about doing his own thing. I think doing the occasional thing on your own is ok, but a week seems like a long time... plus I'm guessing that it would probably cost a bit to go on a golfing holiday. There are a lot of inherent differences between the way men and woman view things, and this always seems to cause confict. Do you manage to go out on your own as a couple sometimes, without your son? If not, I think this is something you really need to do, otherwise the relationship can tend to suffer. I know you're protective of your ds and that he's probably your first priority, but I think the wisest thing you can do is strike a balance so that you're both getting enough out of the relationship and out of your own lives. Dh and I go out quite a lot together, but every now and again he still makes comments about ds being the most important person in the house (according to me). They (men) probably don't like the way their lives seem to revolve around the children sometimes, I know dh does feel this way occasionally. It can be a very hard situation, but admittedly I probably wouldn't be impressed either if dh wanted to go off on a holiday by himself.

Hi helpmeout - I do understand how you feel, but I also understand that if your dh has only been away on his own once in 5 years that maybe he could do with a break! I don't think he should be pointing the finger at you for not wanting to go away, however, that is obviously your choice.

Personally I would be inclined to say to him could he go for some of the time (eg not the whole week but a long weekend or something) as you would miss him etc. What do you think?

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helpmeout - You said he could go when clearly you don't want him to. He wants you to let him go lovingly and not with bad grace like this or it will not be a pleasure for him. That is a good thing - if your real feelings didn't make any difference to him that would be a worse problem.

You have to make your mind up whether you can let him go without resentment and give him those days respite as a gift, willingly...or whether you feel so bad about his wanting to go that, reluctantly, you will have to say no, it would hurt your feelings too much. At the moment you are dithering in between.

I would be inclined to let my dh go if it were me, but only because at this stage in our family life we are at a point where I could cope without him, and he definitely deserves it and would unquestionably do the same for me. If I felt I couldn't manage without him, or that he was being selfish, I would opt to have him not go.

Different couples work in different ways, so I am not really suggesting you do the same as I would. But I do think you should make up your mind and give him a clear signal which way.

I think your dh is very concerned about how you feel about this. There are some rotten s**s out there who wouldn't give a hoot what you think, they would just go.

I'm with the "let him go" brigade, too. But I would say that as I left my two yr old to go half-way round the world, for a fortnight!

I would also take it as a compliment that your dh feels he is able to go away, because he knows your ds will be perfectly safe and happy with you. He knows it isn't necessary to have two people 24/7 to look after one child, hence his reciprocal offer to you, too.

I guess you're going to have to work out your own thoughts clearly and then have a calm heart-to-heart with your dh. Best wishes.

My dh goes snowboarding every year for at least a week. This year and this coming February, it was/will be 10 nights in Canada! Personally, I would use it for some real quality time with your ds. I would do all the things that he loves doing, and make it a really extra special time together. I don't like dh going, but it is his hobby, and he then allows me to have a weekend away with my sister for some me time. This year, I am having two weekends away, and I always enjoy them.

Personally, I think that it would do you the world of good to have a weekend away with a friend. It would also make your dh realise just how hard it is raising a child. So you win on both counts. Don't give him a hard time, just tell him that you expect a big (non-golf related) present on his return!

Let him go! He obviously wants to, he hasn't been anywhere by himself for years, and you can obviously cope alone - a single 5 year old is a pleasure rather than a chore! If you don't feel like going away by yourself then fine, but let him go gracefully.

And if I were you I'd think hard about the other things he has said as well, about being over protective and living life through your son. He knows you probably better than most, and you have admitted that there is some truth in it - so maybe you should have a think about it and see whether you feel that maybe it is time for you to have some time on your own. Perhaps leave your son with your dh and go to a spa or to visit some friends in another town or something? Apart from anything else your son and husband will probably do some new and different bonding together without you around. Could be good for the whole family...

I would let him go as well. Once in 5 years isn' a big thing.you could tell him that you feel it is a one off though and you prefer to take holiday's as a family.

otherwise I agree that it is important for you to have time away from your son, and to keep something that is for you- where you are not just someone's mum. I can't go away for more than a night atm - eldest son autistic- not really a possibility- but I do make sure I have "me" time- in the form of a homeopathy course (and study days yeah) and GCSE Japanese one evening a week.Dh is still in shock as I have a study day this Saturday which means he is looking after the kids and its rugby world cup final and ds1 has SALT. he he- thought it was quite funny myself.

it is important tp build a life away from your kids because one day they up and go and do their own thing anyway (you hope)

Helpmeout, I haven't read all the responses, but I think that your DH wants to feel that you fully support his going. I can understand this, as I am constantly trying to do things sort of for myself and to leave DD behind with my DH. When DH expresses even a small amount of reluctance, it really upsets me. Try to understand that it will make him happy to get away and have a fun time on his own, and that that in turn will make everyone happier. He is sensing some reluctance on your part, no doubt.

I agree with everyone and suggest you plan a short trip for yourself too. I am the same type of mother as you, could never imagine leaving my two girls, but after a year of trouble with my partner I finally went to Paris for two days by myself this summer. Then last month took a week holiday with my partner and both times I had such a good time and felt like a whole new person when I came back. Men see things so differently then women and I honestly think that women change SO much after having kids. I feel like my perspective has shifted, my partner is still the same and doesn't understand how attached I am to my girls

I think it is reasonable for your dh to want a week away with his mates on a golfing holiday - as long as it is with negotiation (at a time that suits you etc), particularly since he would be happy to return the favour for you.

However I don't think its reasonable for him to have a pop at you for not wanting to leave your son for a week - that's a mums perogative..and it was rude and insulting of him (and no doubt inaccurate)to label you as boring. I wouldn't leave my 16 month old dd for a week either - and I have actually passed up a free all expenses paid 5 star holiday to Mauritius which my husband qualified for as a bonus through work - because we wouldn't be able to take dd with us. Dh was frustrated with this but accepting....

However it might do you good to save some pennies for a weekend break somewhere without your son - it wouldn't be such a wrench as leaving him for a week

I just wanted to say thank you for all your replies to my question. It made me smile a lot and I could really relate to some of the posts and found them most helpful. Anyway, we have discussed it and my dh is going on the holiday and to be honest I think it will do us both the world of good to have this break away from each other. I think I was possibly a little hormonal when he asked me, and it didn't help that he had also been down the pub before he asked! To be honest, the most annoying thing was not the actual holiday but the backlash I got after him asking about it. He still cannot see that he was wrong in some of the things he said but I guess that is just men for you! I have also taken onboard a lot of the things you all said about doing some things on my own and realise that it is very good advice and needs some serious thought. Not quite sure what, but I will get myself a hobby of some kind!

Also, once I get my qualification at college next year I may well get a job working with children which will hopefully open up a lot of new avenues. Anyway thanks again for everything, it has really helped a lot and now everything looks a lot clearer!