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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I best support my brother?

15 replies

RickOShea · 06/02/2012 15:18

Confession time - I am a man! If that does not get me banned, please give me some advice here.

My brother called me last week, and told me that he and his Mrs of 10+ years were having a few problems, and that they were going to go to counselling. They are both 40-ish. I was shocked, as there has never been any inkling of any issues. He came round to chat at the week-end, and basically broke down. He is a mess emotionally. They have teen kids, a great home and both have great jobs. She has told him - out of the blue - that she no longer wants to be with him. She doesn't want him sexually, doesn't wants kisses or cuddles etc., and doesn't want to carry on living as a couple. He is absolutely devastated. I hate seeing him like this.

He has suggested counselling, to try to save their marriage. She thinks it is pointless, but has agreed to attend a session anyway. From what he has told me, and from her recent behaviour, I see no way back from this. The thing is, he is a wreck, and I don't know what to tell him or how to help him. I think he is in for months of pain, until he can accept that it is over. I am not able (or particularly willing) to do anything to get them back together. I don't have the skills or the knowledge to do that. Has anybody else been in this situation? How do I help him to cope? Thanks in advance for any advice.

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PurplePidjin · 06/02/2012 15:29

If you're anything like my dp (also male) then "helping" means "fixing". You can't, so don't try.

What you can do is make sure you're around, either to listen to him offload or to distract him and remind him that life can be fun.

Can you take up a hobby together, something that happens once a month or so which doesn't have a massive impact on your family life but is Rick and Bro time? DP occasionally walks up to watch our local amateur football team play if he needs a couple of hours in which to "be a bloke". Fishing or Golf would also fit this category quite nicely, he can talk if he needs to and you can do something practical and supportive for him.

RickOShea · 06/02/2012 15:51

Cheers Purple. This is beyond my skills to 'fix'. Even if I could, I wouldn't. He is a good man and a good father (by her own admission), and he deserves better. The golf thing is a good suggestion.

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PurplePidjin · 06/02/2012 15:58

Some things are. It took much discussion for dp to accept he couldn't "fix" some MH issues I had - which, with his support, are now pretty well fixed (irony). He expected support to equal action, and in many cases it does. But not for stuff like this Smile

Find time for him, so he knows he's important. Also there's no reason older kids and teens can't join you for golf. Is he used to being in sole charge of the kids for extended periods? Because that's a situation you can be very useful in, on access visits etc...

RickOShea · 06/02/2012 16:15

Yes, he has always had the kids for days at a time (week-ends etc.). He has plenty of pain ahead of him, I can see that. I cannot take all of that away - I just want to minimise it.

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PurplePidjin · 06/02/2012 16:18

This too shall pass

RickOShea · 07/02/2012 13:54

Cheers, Purple. I have another question, open to anyone reading. At some point, they will have to tell the children that the marriage is over. The kids are early teens, and know that they are going to counselling, so they are aware that there is a problem. Here is my question; should my brother expect his wife to admit up front to them that it is her that wants to divorce, and that he wants to stay married? It may seem trivial now, but he has said that he wants the kids to know in future that he did everything he could to keep the marriage together. How important is it that children understand each parent's stance? (FYI, my brother wants them to make a go of it - his wife wants the divorce).

As always, all constructive advice is most welcome. Thanks.

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LadyMedea · 07/02/2012 14:43

Hate to say this... But she is probably having an affair... Might be worth your brother doing some snooping.

That said two books which focus on one person working on the marriage alone might be worth getting hold of for him... If he wants to try. 'How one of you can bring the two of you togethet' by Susan Page and 'Divorce Remedy' by Michele Weiner Davis.

In the meantime support him, distract him, just be there.

RickOShea · 07/02/2012 14:48

Thank you, LM. I think so too, although I have no hard evidence, so I will not bring it up. I think he is feeling too raw to do any snooping, and I wont - if it is true, it will come out soon enough. Thanks for the recommendations.

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kodachrome · 07/02/2012 14:59

In all honesty I know it seems important to him that the kids know he did his best to keep the marriage together - but it is far too easy for that to become about blame, bitterness and making her the bad guy. And that's not what the kids need.

They don't need a head of resentment against their mother or to pity their dad.

What they need is to know is that both parents will be there for them and that they are loved no matter what.

It is far more important that the two of them can be amicable and civil, at least in front of the kids, than for the kids to know the ins and outs of who did what to whom.

In years to come the truth may out, but for the kids' sake now, they don't need the burden.

RickOShea · 07/02/2012 15:13

Cheers, KC. I am trying to rationalise everything here. What I don't want to do is introduce my feelings or opinions. I will tell him to seek the counsellor's advice about what to tell the kids. I keep putting myself in his shoes and thinking 'what would I do?', which is not what he needs right now.

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kodachrome · 07/02/2012 15:26

He really needs to ask himself how does it benefit the kids to know this, before he says anything. Of course he's hurting hugely, but all the more reason to be circumspect. The most harm done to kids in splits is when they're pawns in acrimony.

RickOShea · 07/02/2012 15:48

KC - point taken. I guess the problem might be if/when they ask 'why (are you splitting up)?'. What to say then? He can't lie, because I can see that causing problems further down the line.

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kodachrome · 07/02/2012 16:05

"Sometimes relationships don't work out the way we want them to and have to end. Your mother and I will always love you and will do our best to make sure we can all be be happy again, even though she and I will be apart."

His ex-to-be has her reasons to want to quit. Maybe there's someone else for her or maybe he's been a poor partner from her point of view up 'til now or maybe she just fell out of love with him.

Whatever it is, he has to put the kids first now, not try to hurt her through them, which blame-assigning can all too easily become.

pranma · 07/02/2012 16:08

When they ask just tell the truth but dont initiate the discussion Something like,'Mum and I haven't been getting on as well as we used to and now Mum has decided its probably best if we split up.I dont really want to but I do want all of us to be as happy as possible.It makes no difference to how we feel about you and I am always there for you whenever you need me'.Is that any good?

RickOShea · 07/02/2012 16:14

Thank you both, pranma and KC. I think you both have a point, and I am in danger of over-thinking this. Too much emotion on my part, and this aspect of their lives is between them and the kids, not me.

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