If you are in your 30s, do you feel your parents have unrealistic financial expectations of you, compared to how they were at 'your age'?

[Agincourt]

because my Mother is really getting me down :( and I do have PMT and it's a full moon soon i am sure, but all she does is nag me about money or my lack of it and she has even started to be rude about my husband and his lack of earning potential. The background is we were homeowners but we because of the recession we now rent, we are actually really short of money atm because we had to relocate again for work and I have found it really difficult to find another job. During this recession i have lost my job twice, dh has lost his once and things have been bloody hard. Dh has an older daughter who we pay maintenance for and we have 3 other children, one of whom is severely disabled and I care for. All the bills are still getting paid, we are just short and sometimes we are robbing peter to pay paul and this month we decided we will have to take dh's car off the road for a while as we just cannot afford to run two. Luckily I have found another job which I start on Friday but even that is a bloody disappointment to my Mother who thinks I should be able to be a sahm (wtf) or have a super dooper career like my cousins, my cousins who i should be like who all own their owns homes and yadda yadda yadda.

She is really doing my head in. She said owned her own house in her 30s, owned her own car, didn'thave to work, my dad supported her really well etc etc and I seem to be a constant disappointment to her.

Am I alone in any of this? I am quite happy to be told to get a grip if necessary but I don't think her expectations of me of realistic and at 34yo I don't think it is a massive cause for concern if I don't or never do, own my own home

I think as well she completely takes for granted that both her and my father had grandparents (retired in the days of early retirement) who took me and my siblings on if they needed to go out/work/be ill or something and I have never had any input from any of them or my in laws.

Also owning a home where they live is alot more achievable as the house prices are alot lower. I was comparing similar houses in her town to mine (to try and reassure myself that she was being unrealistic) and similar 3 bed house were 110k by her and 240k by me but none of that is ever very important to her.

My husband is a skilled engineer by the way and earns a fairly good wage

You are not alone. My MIL certainly thinks I should be a SAHM - I always ask her how on earth we would afford our £1000 per month rent and everything else on top with just one salary.....

My Mum was a SAHM as was MIL but quite frankly 30 odd years ago things were a little bit different...ie they could more than comfortably live on one wage.

The only SAHMs I know these days have husbands who earn way above the national average.

I am sorry to hear that your Mum sounds so unsupportive :(

Sounds like she needs a reality check!

Sounds like your mother has her head in the clouds. Does she honestly think that life nowadays is like it was in (I'm guessing) the 1970s?

And in answer to your question, no, my mother is well aware that times are a lot harder now for our generation. Not only do most women need to work now to provide the same sort of living that one wage earner could provide when we were kids, but house prices are astronomically more than they ever were back then.

I think if I was you I'd be tempted to challenge her on her assumptions and take her to task for being so unsupportive. It might be worth pointing out that she had help from her parents too - something she seems to have forgotten.

Definitely needs a reality check, it's bad enough not being able to have the easy life our parents had, without them belittling us for it!

Owning a home is not all it's cracked up to be, look at the rest of Europe, people don't seem to feel the need to put every last penny they have into property.

We are lucky enough to rent a lovely house too (though it is stuck in a 1970s timewarp) but it's in a nice area, reasonable rent and our landlord is really nice and we would never be able to afford to buy it and it seems the case with alot of property here in that it's cheaper to rent than to buy. We have lost out so much financially in the sale of our previous home, mainly due to the recession, so we are basically 'starting again' and it does feel like a kick in the teeth anyway and certainly not a position I thought I would even be in myself, but it has happened and we have to get on with it. We are happily married and have happy,w ell rounded children and they are all looked after but it seems to count for nothing with her. But her and her family are rather materialistic and I am not at all, I think having a severely disabled child who breaks everything sort of put paid to that!

I am sorry for moaning so much. I feel so wound up and upset about her attitude with me, and she calls me on everything to explain why i have done this and why I have done that. Today it was about dropping dh off at work and then was then made into a massive deal because we cannot afford to run two cars

Sounds like you have a lovely family :) I wouldn't let her get you down...especially as it sounds like you're in a much better area than her? That's gotta be much better for the children!

As for criticising your every move....she ought to start helping you, or else zip it. Unless she has unfulfilled ambitions of her own that she's projecting onto you?

I don't know bumblebee, I had pyschotherapy for about a year due to bereavement issues which encompassed alot of my upbringing and my therapist seemed to think that My Grandmother took over with the majority of my childrearing and my Mother started to view me as a younger sister, rather than a daughter and which created alot of jealousy with her. Even though a professional has told me this though I still feel sad about her attitude towards me. Even when i got my degree she couldn't make my end of year show as she was too busy/ill or something (she always projects any attention back onto herself) and she made out it was no big deal when to me it was a massive deal as I had managed to do it as a mature student and I don't think she has even told anyone within our extended family that I achieved that it's as though it never happened. I sound like a little girl dont I? :( I suppose I am just sad that neither of my parents have ever said anything much positive about me at all, my dad is even worse so i don't really want to go there!

My mother-in-law drives me mad with her views that she and her husband were much more sorted money wise than DH and me.

She constantly tells me and DH that we need to 'get on top' of our money situation. We are like you, always taking money from one thing to pay another but this is due to DH being paid irregularly as he is self employed. His wage is v.good but money comes in at odd times. Mother in law always seems to belittle how much DH earns and constantly gives 'advice' like 'you should put money aside' - as if we wouldn't if we had it!!

What she forgets is that when she and her DH were our age they had a council house that they rented and then got offered to buy in the 80's, they had benefits as her DH had a very low wage and their kids (three under three as she always reminds me) had free school meals and free milk delivered. We get nothing apart from child allowance but I can never remind her of this as I feel very rude. Also like your mother my MIL got a lot of help from her own mother which allowed her to go back to work - she on the other hand has looked after DS about four times in his life - he is 3.5! As you can tell - you are not alone, the whole situation really annoys me!

You don't sound like a little girl :)

It does sound though like your Mother might have her own agenda and therefore is not an impartial judge of your life. I myself have an awkward relationship with my Mother, she has her moments of being insensitive too...so for certain things I take what she says with a pinch of salt, and try not to get into discussions where I know we'll end up arguing. It is sad, but sometimes necessary in order to keep the door open.

On the plus side I try and be more positive for my DD, and I'm sure you are too...you can only learn from the lessons life gives you, and move on.

Well done on your degree BTW :) I remember from my undergrad course the mature students were far more committed.

Oh i can completely relate to that ShesaStar, I can't remember a time when either my MIl or my Mum looked after my children for me and dh and I haven't been out together since my 30th (in which a friend watched them for me) and we have to go out seperately if we want to go out now as because of our daughters disability it's just impossible.

Thank you BumbleBee. You have been really kind to me today and a bit of kindness goes a long way and has made me feel much better :) I am sorry you have issues with your Mum too. I usually manage to shrug her off, I think pmt and being out of work, plus other issues financial and issues with my daughter health etc, it is just managing to push all my buttons

What I earn or whether I own my house or have a car isn't really anything to do with my parents, as long as I am not asking them for money.

:) Glad you feel a bit better, everyone has off days, I like to moan to my DH, might use MN in future to spare him :)

I think you've done amazingly well, the recession is hitting everyone hard, but every time you have been knocked down, you've got up again and carried on. Don't let her get you down.

Yes I think she grew up in different times to you too, you sound like you're doing well to me, staying afloat and you've got a family too - what's not to love? Ignore her.

"We are happily married and have happy,well rounded children and they are all looked after"

Then you are successful. No need to justify yourself to anyone, or compare yourself to others. My Mum's always just been pleased to see me enjoying life tbh. My Dad has tried to make me financially responsible but never by belittling me.

I think the cost of housing has made it harder for this generation. 30 years ago I think SAHM was a much more common situation. The trend towards both parents working has increased the household income but also forced up housing costs, making it tougher for single income families.

I have exactly the same issues with my MIL. She looks down her nose out our house, but can't seem to understand that 1980 average house price adjusted for inflation is about £80k, but todays average house price is £176k.
It just hasn't crossed her tiny mind that we have had to borrow the difference just to afford a small property.
Mind you I take great delight in rubbishing SAHMs just to wind her up! A working DIL, gives her a right cats bum face!!!

All these posts make me think that there's a lot of disappointment in the end when it comes to having kids.
It's not so rosy after all.
By the way, my mum died young, my father I never lived with, I did well for myself, even though not a professional (was a really good saver and investor of money on a small salary..retiring soon at 43), and nobody in my family, not my father, not anybody, has ever patted me on the back.
And you know something, I don't care.
And you shouldn't either.
Just get on with your life.

To an extent, yes. We do earn and have good jobs etc, but my dad was always on about how he couldn't understand why my generation kept moving etc, why didn't we just buy the 4 bed family home we need first off and save ourselves the moving costs. Pointing out that this isn't as easy any more never used to cut it. Likewise he retired at 54, that ain't never gonna happen either. And student debt, of course they have none of that and can't understand why I needed the student loans. And my flat lost value in the property crash, losing what will probably be my only bit of equity (not in negative equity just yet thank god finger crossed) and that was a sign of my poor choice as against the fact that the whole bloody financial world went up in smoke. Of course they bought their last place in 2000 (5 bed, 3/4 acre etc for price we could afford now) and it is bow worth nearly half a mill more, no mortgage of course.

Gah.

I don't begrudge them it at all, obviously, but they expect the same of us in very different circumstances which I do feel is unfair and it has caused tension in the past, I am made out to be making excuses.

I think you'll need to try to accept that no matter what you do you're never going to win your mother's approval. It's a tough thing to come to terms with, but once you do you'll start feeling a lot less pressure. Any normal mother should be proud of you - you've weathered some really bad times, you care very well for your children and now you've managed to find a job in this climate. In spite of all that all your mother is going to focus on is the negative things that she perceives to be true, as clearly that fulfils something in her - perhaps the jealousy you mentioned. I don't think you're going to change her mind, all you can do really is try to distance yourself from her so her views don't affect you so much.

I technically am doing far better than my mum ever did! But I still feel sometimes everything we have achieved is not enough. You sound like you are doing wonderfully well. Isn't it odd that as adults, we still like to have our parents approval? My parents rarely say "well done" to me. And I don't want to want their approval but I do!.....I make up for this by praising my children for everything they achieve. The cycle ends with me.

Goodkuck

My parents do understand, but I'm not sure ILs do.

The one thing that I seem to say alot is that back then (70s) three times the husbands salary would buy you a nice family home. Three times our JOINT salary won't even get us a one bed flat now.

Hey, on the bright side, once they are gone, you'll be rich enough to buy what they think you should own by now.
Unless they disinherit you.

Oh and NinkyNonker reminded me, a few years back my parents started going on and on about me buying a house, how I had to before prices rose too much etc. I kept on telling them that I just didn't have a deposit but that didn't cut it. Now both my parents and PILs keep saying DH and I should "have a holiday," "go away for a week." Thing is, we've just bought that house they were all so concerned about and we haven't got a single penny! I'm sure they were exactly the same at our age they just cannot remember at all - to them money is just there to be spent. I'm delighted for them that they're so comfortable and don't have to worry, it's great. But their comments do annoy me. Last time MIL went on about us going away for a week I said "Listen MIL if we win the lottery we'll go on holiday apart from that we are just not going, we don't have the money. Don't mention it again." I'm perfectly prepared for it to be the first thing out of her mouth next time I see her.

She isnt being supportive, even if she is worried.

She is living in the 70s- tell her to read the paper occasionally!

My first home, bought in 1988, cost a fifth of our joint income in mortgage, and nobody had mobile phones, internet bills, etc. Most machinery didnt have so much electronics in it that it always broke down. Therefore bills were fewer. There were full grants for uni, and certainly my childcare at the local council creche when I wet to uni was free.

On the other hand, you could develop a thicker skin, which is hard to do re family, as we care about their remarks. But it does help. Expect her to say it, and change the subject asap. Tell her you know she is concerned, but it isnt helping. And that you are not your cousins.