Grandparents- how often do your kids see them?

[ScummyMummy]

I could use some advice, wise mumsnetters... I've just waved my parents-in-law off after a nice afternoon and evening with them. They were also over on Thursday afternoon, babysat then stayed the night. As they left tonight they asked whether the boys could go over to stay at theirs next weekend. They are lovely people- I adore them and really couldn't wish for nicer in-laws- but to be honest I'm feeling a bit swamped by them at the moment. My partner and I both work almost full time and the weekends are our only chance to get the flat in some sort of order, rest a bit and, most importantly, be together as a family. We're both kind of disorganised and the flat was less than pristine and sparkling by the time the PILs arrived today, though we'd had a good day in other ways. There is now a huge pile of dishes in the sink and the place looks like a bomb has hit it. My kids, geed up by the excitement of seeing their nan and grandad, behaved less than angelically as well, and their grandparents- as grandparents are so wont to do and rightly so- were quick to protect them from their parents' displeasure!

Don't get me wrong- I'm delighted by the brilliant relationship my kids have with my PILs and wouldn't change that for the world and I also appreciate that we are very lucky that they are able to babysit occasionally etc- but I'm starting to really baulk at this level of contact, I'm afraid. It's hard work for me and my partner- if they come to ours we have to entertain them, if we go to theirs we have to hassle of getting back on public transport since we don't have a car. Even if just the boys go we have to drop them off and pick them up, obviously, and while it's lovely to have time together as a couple, we don't get to see much of our kids and come Monday the rat race beckons us inevitably back again! I'm beginning to really resent the constant encroachment on our pottering about as a family time, as well as the limited time for seeing friends and other family. I'm pretty sure my partner is feeling similarly to me, but I'm really wary of seeming to criticise his folks so we haven't discussed it properly yet- though we've touched on it in the past and I can feel another more in-depth conversation coming on pretty fast! Is it really unreasonable of me to wish that we saw them once every few weeks instead of almost every weekend? And if it is, how on earth can I broach this without causing too many wounded feelings? What do y'all think? Would really appreciate any wisdom out there on this one.

Hmmmmmm...... well I have the opposite problem..... but that's not what you're asking!
What about a compromise.... seems to me there is room between once every WE to once every FEW weeks as you seem to suggest ? What about something in between every other WE maybe?
Can you leave your twins with them and ENJOY the free time??? Maybe go out with DP ? Or out with friends (well OK that's what I yearn for )

As for talking with DP.... maybe start by asking how he feels and emphasising this isn'a bout arguing but maybe communicating about your un-ease? Hey you're very eloquent I'm not going to teach an old dog new tricks

When we lived near to g'parents, when ds1 was small, we used to see them every two weeks, on a Sat afternoon. That was about right for us. They almost never babysat, though - my mum may have once or twice.

Now, my children see one G'ma four to six times a year and the other one, once a year.

My parents live about 20 ,ons away and we are quite close.
Mum looks after DS 2 days per week.
However, they have babsat for us ONCE (ds now 17 mths).
DH and I argue about this - i feel that they should offer every so often rather than us having to ask........

they live 20 MINS away

You lucky devils.... we see my parents or IL twice a year at the max.... no free baby sitting either

Not a long-term solution, but as far as next weekend goes I wouldn't hesitate to say that you really appreciate the offer, but the weekends are the only time you get to spend together as a family, and you would miss your boys too much to hand them over for a weekend. That way you a) say no and b)plant the idea of weekends as prime nuclear-family time. If by any chance you know that you and dh need to go away for a weekend any time in the future then you could raise that as a future possibility. Good luck, I can completely understand how you feel.

We go around as a family for tea on Sunday to PIL. When I worked I really resented this, but now I have ds it's great not to have to cook a meal and the housework can always be done on Monday (or not!)If I am on their side of town for any reason I pop in, and my MIL might come round for lunch one day per week. This is about right for me, but I wish I could interest them in taking part in trips out to the library instead as just sitting around drinking tea is not my idea of a good time. My family live on the other side of the world so we see them for 3 weeks twice and year, but they stay in a motel so we don't all kill each other.

I agree that if they want your kids to stay the weekend they should pick them up, or its not a break for you.

oh, pupuce, sympathies! I do realise that we're lucky to have them in lots of ways and feel guilty for moaning. I think SueW's right- possibly it is temporary overload. But the other thing is that when we see them it's NEVER just for a couple of hours. They are very sociable and love family occasions- and every occasion we meet is therefore a family occasion! It is rare for them not to stay the night when they come over - I think it was only because my partner had to meet some friends that they left earlyish tonight and we find it hard to leave theirs at a realistic time to get kids in bed etc too. Somehow time always slips though our fingers. It really feels like we spend a pretty large proportion of our weekends with them at the moment and the odd evening, night & early morning during the week too. Thanks for the great advice all. I'll try the "other things to do" gambit as you suggest SueW. Any further tips/opinions gratefully received.

My in laws are the same i like them and all but i do feel like they are in my face some times and i feel like shouting out there my children not yours sometimes.I can see thier point of veiw too that they love the children and want to spend as much time as they can with them,just like i probably will when my grandchildren come.They are our only babysitters too.Perhaps say no thankyou and then suggest a date in a few weeks time and then they might not bother you until then.Then make a weekend of the time you and your partner have alone together.

Thanks so much tamum and bobthebaby too. Seems to be a consensus on knocking them back for next weekend anyway.

I can definately understand how youfeel,As a family you need that precious time doing nothing but being together and enjoying lazy days at home.As you both work these wends are really precious,I woiuld talk to your dp about how he feels and try and limit the visits to every fortnight.Diplomatic nightmare .
How about suggesting the kids need time to play with friends and quiet time at home instead.

Hi Scum, if you don't want to hurt their feelings or be 100% up front you could just arrange a few things for you ant the boys and just tell the PIL that weekend (or which ever) is already taken. That might then be a good time to slip in how you really feel about your weekends being precious and something about wanting to do as much as possible with them.

How do you think BM feels? Would he be willing to talk to them if he feels the same way?

Personally DD1 sees my mother (MIL is stateside of course) at least every other day, if not everyday. We live about 30 yards away from each other and right now with one room during school nights DD1 stays over every other night to catch up on sleep as baby keeps her up. Before baby DD1 stayed once a week and maybe saw my mum every 3 days, so the huge amount is more circumstantial then anything else. I love the relationship they have, but I did come from a cultural perspective where extended families are more dominant than the nuclear.

When I do feel that I want and need to spend more time with DD1 I tell my mum (as she is actually always offering and asking for DD1's company) and she totally backs off.

Your PIL maybe more understanding then you think?

Ok rant over

Hi pie, polly28 and happycat. Thanks for your messages. It's interesting you mention culture, pie, because BM's culture of origin- london irish- really values extended family too- his nan lived in the family home- and my family were pretty much the opposite- almost cut off from both sets of grandparents. I think we're desperately seeking a happy medium perhaps!

Hi, scummy. I was wondering, reading through, whether maybe one possible compromise would be for your PILs, instead of invading you, to take out one boy at a time, for the day or even overnight? Say one boy once a fortnight?

Obviously I don't know how your boys feel about doing things separately, so it might be a non-starter, but it would mean they each got loads of individual attention, you and DP would have semi-family time plus domestic time at the weekend and the PILs wouldn't feel pushed away. You could still get together occasionally in between.

DD and DS see their Grandparents at least twice a week, sometimes more depending on what we are doing. The love the children and have helped me out with care in the past. I wouldn't have it any other way. I think they are very important in their lives. MIL lives a long way off so unfortunately they haven't developed the same bond with her. However, I think space is still important so you don't take each other for granted.

Scummy is there anyway they could do a weekday night instead? Maybe pick them up from school and take them the next morning? That would give you a break and let them see their precious grandsons. I do know how you feel about the weekends - when you're both working full time it's the only real time you have together as a family to relax and enjoy each other - I hate it when i have to do anything with other poeple (but then I'm just v. antisocial at the moment)

I don't get on with my dad and was estranged for a long time so only see him about four times a year, but my mum lives nearby and worships ds so sees him three times a week or even more, including nearly every Sunday. We use it as a break! My MIL is a widow and lives in Yorkshire so we don't see her very often at all. I am trying to persuade my mum to have ds overnight once in a while so dh and I can have a lie on together!
In your situation, I would either organise things as a family and tell your PILs that you aren't available, or, and I think this would be better if you can face it, explain you don't think you are seeing enough of the kids because you work f/t etc and can you arrange it for the weekend after. They might well be perfectly understanding about it.
Also if they want the kids overnight, I think they should definitely pick them up and bring them back otherwise it really is just more stress and hassle for you.
Also, to avoid them staying and staying, ask them along on a family trip - to the zoo or something which has a cut off time, so they go home when you do and there's no washing up afterwards. It will probably be more fun for all of you and you won't feel like a skivvy. Or ask them over in the morning and arrange an outing for the afternoon so they have to leave.

My inlaws are sadly no longer with us, they passed away when DS1 & 2 were toddlers (now 11 & 10) so DD (15mo) has never met them, nor have I (DS1 & 2 are my stepsons). My Mum is still very much around but she lives with my stepdad in Wales, 1h 45mins away. She also works full time so things are not as easy as I'd like them to be. I do wish I was in a position to just pop over to see her for an afternoon or whatever, but the fact that she works f/t, lives such a distance away and I am not in able to drive to see her makes it that little bit more difficult. Mum adores DD and the boys and we try to see each other once a month minimum, either we'll go to them for the weekend or they'll come to us. DD used to spend one weekend in 4 or 5 at my Mums house but that has petered out a little as she is moving house into a caravan (they're selling up and embarking on a self-build so are living on site in a c'van).

Our dd sees my parents about once or twice a year (they don't live in England) She sees her other grandfather about the same even though he's only 6 hours away! Short of moving back 'home' or winning the lottery, I don't see the contact with my parents and her increasing. I feel guilty sometimes that we live here, and are denying them more time with our daughter. When we do go home, we're home for a long time though, at least 3 or 4 weeks.
It doen't help your situation to say 'Oh I wish I had that problem!' and I can appreciate that it must be quite awkward. Hope you've had some good advice here.
hana

I moved near my parents 2 years ago and its the best - they dont need to come and stay - they drop in for a cup of tea - or to play and then GO HOME AGAIN!

I love it

My DD is looked after during the day every Thursday during term time by my MIL, and FIL if he isnot working. My parents then do any evening babysitting, normally once every 3 or 4 weeks at the most. We also tend to see both parents every 2 or 3 weekends at a weekend. Luckily they live only 30 minutes away. We find this fine but we are often asked by on-laws if we need further babysitting. But as others say sometimes we do just like to spend time as a family instead.

If I get my way .... with regards to PIL .... bloody NEVER !!!

so I see them every other day really.