How do I get respect?

[elephantsteaparty]

I'm gradually learning that my opinions / thoughts are as valid as anyone elses, but nobody else (apart from my wonderful counsellor) seems to know this. I'm becoming more able to speak my mind, but although people hear what I'm saying they tell me I mean something else, because it doesn't fit in with them.

For example, my mother bought a gift for me to give someone else. At 31 I feel I'm old enough to buy my own gifts for people, so told her to give it to them herself, not from me. I was wanting to tell her this anyway, but she had actually asked me whether or not I wanted her to give it from me, so I (stupidly) thought my answer was important. But no. Five minutes of argument later she tells me that she is giving said gift from me. It's like everything I've just said counts for nothing. She'll also corrected me when I filled in a hospital form saying I was an atheist. Apparently I'm not, I'm a Christian and believe in God. Surely it's up to me to know?

She's not the only one to do this, so I accept it's a character flaw and am trying to do something about it. But it's hard. So what do I do? Even my partner does it, I'll say one thing and he tells me I mean something else. And as for my sister....but she never listens to anyone anyway.

The thing is, I do try but I keep failing, and it's so easy just to give up and avoid the arguments. But I don't want to give up, I want people to respect what I say. So how do I achieve this?

I feel for you cos I'm going through counselling myself about an issue with low self esteem. Been going for 2 years now. I think maybe try to deal with things despite what people think you mean. I mean for example the gift thing...buy something on your own anyway, give them your gift if your mum says anything just say 'i told you I had something else in mind. but thanks for having something in reserve.'

Sorry will pop back as 3 ill children screaming ... No time to breathe let alone MN!

You are not failing, you are doing well. Your mum sounds controlling. If I were you I would keep going. You cant MAKE people respect you but you can behave in a way that makes you respect yourself.

So more practice saying NO.
Use the broken record technique.

Stand up for yourself and speak up!

A character flaw, maybe....your mother's not yours!

Blimey, no wonder you have problems with self esteem, and no wonder you chose a partner who does this too!

I am delighted you are having counselling..YOU deserve to be heard!

WRT the present...let your mother give what she got, and get your own present, from you, to give. NOTHING to do with anyone else, and keep your counsellors number on hand, because you will HAVE to rock the boat to get things to change...folk don't like change, but you need change to happen.

Do you let your mum 'get away with it'?
In the case of the gift, did you give your own gift separately and explain to the recipient that your mum must have misunderstood? And then tell your mum that you have done this?

Maybe the key is not about how you deal with it at the time, but in going on to act in a way that shows that your opinion DOES count and that you will continue to act on the basis of your own decisions.

I'm guessin that your mum has learned that she can get away with assuming that you will give in, so it will take her a while to realise that you mean businiess :)

elephantsteaparty, sometimes it is about knowing what fights to fight as well.

I often can't be bothered to argue the toss on something. So, if my mother bought me a present to give to someone else and I knew it was going to be difficult, I would either say - "Oh how thoughtful, but I've already bought a gift" or just thank her & take the gift, but buy my own gift anyway. If it was about the hospital form, I absolutely couldn't be bothered. If someone was going to be admament on my behalf that I was a religion that I wasn't, I'd probably just move the conversation on & think they were bonkers.

You can stay true to your own self & follow your own course of action without having to argue about it. Just do what you think is right. Fight your corner when you have to, but unless you want a fight on your hands every day, avoid where you can - but without compromising what it was you wanted to do.

Thank you!

The argument about the gift I mentioned above was actually regarding two advent calenders for friend's children. It's not something I'd give them myself so I don't want to buy them advent calenders from me. As I live 500 miles away from both my mother and these children I can't intercept. I know it's not a big deal by itself but it's the principle, plus the fact that I get thank you cards from the children concerned which just seems silly. Plus I'm sure they're mother knows it's my mother who gets them and not me, which makes the whole charade even more bizarre.

But my mother just won't listen. She thinks the children will be disappointed. Not sure how that works, since they'd get them anyway, just from her not me, and anyway they get so many (I remember the son himself got 6 one year) that one less is not going to make much difference.

She still tries to put my name on gifts and cards to other people, even though I have told her repeatedly not to, which leads to her getting embarrassed. I'm hoping a few more years and I'll have won that battle, but she probably thinks I'll cave in first.

My sister is very good at showing her emotions, unlike me, so always gets heard, as my mother is scared of her temper. But this goes against me, as there's only so much listening my mother can do, and it runs out by the time she gets to me. She's told me I'm not upset when I'm in tears, because obviously I don't have emotions.

As for DP, he complains that nobody stands up to him, but then, after I'd refused his request to "bend over" at the weekend but instead requested missionary, he complained that I never bend over for him any more and do what he says.

Right, I've decided, I need a backbone and a megaphone. Any idea where I can buy them?

Well I don't know where to buy a megaphone but a rolled up magazine could work just ad well with the added bonus that you could swat him round the h ead with it if he still doesn't listen seriously tho why should you do what he says! Tell him he's a tosser and to go practice on himself!
In other areas I've found calm repetition works. Thank you but no, thank you but no, I have said no although I apprecate the thought..etc
But just keep calm.
And your mum is your mum. She shouldn't run out of 'listening credits' cos your sister is better at throwing a paddy ... seriously I know how it feels to have someone listened to over you. Mum and sister too. I let them get on with it now and talk to friends instead. You'd be surprised how they suddenly want to know your opinion when they realize other people listen to you.

Repeat repeat repeat!!!

That's my advice.

She gives the gift from you? In front of everyone, explain that it is not in fact from you, THIS is from you.

When you do things like this, people may stare, or question you. Let them. Stare away. They'll soon get used to it.

You meanwhile carry on with that support and expect to feel the fear but do it anyway. Well done!

With the form, I would just blank her out or say "uh-huh" - and then write what you want anyway.

How does your mother know what you put on a hospital form?
If you don't want her to interfere in something, don't tell her about it.
She does sound controlling, but you live 500 miles away?so how does she get the chance to stick her beak in unless you give it to her?

Wow, you're mum's a piece of work isn't she?!?

Here's the thing: we usually choose people who behave in a way we are used to. by that I mean we choose relationships with people who are like the relationships we are used to - usually the relationships we grew up with. In your case, you were used to a nightmare mother and probably chose someone a bit like her to marry?

ime, the longer I was in therapy, the more my choice of friends changed. It's like the scales fall from your eyes and you see what was totally obvious , only you were too blinded by the family madness/dysfunction. Maybe you are beginning to see it now.

Also ime, you can talk, reason, shout, insist until you're blue in the face: they will never change. Ever. You have to choose then: do you stay in contact with them? Sometimes you need a break, a proper break, to get them out of your head. I have recently had a major to-do with my family. It all started with something so small you could barely see it: I broke a family rule and refused to reverse it. It's gone nuclear now - you wouldn't believe it if I told you what was happening . Or maybe you would.

ime this is the mother/family you have, and they won't change. Until the day you die she will be buying presents for other people from you/ignoring you/not listening to you/listening to your sister. Her behaviour has nothing to do with you - is not a response to you in any way: she relates at you. imo you have to work out if you can accept that for the long term.

In the meantime, get friends who listen to you - normal friends, normal relationships of toing, froing/giving, receiving. It's not you who has the problem ime: your voice isn't too quiet; the people around you are deaf and blind.

I'd also suggest a truly stunning book on boundaries... but it's written by a christian (though that would make your mum happy )

Sounds like your problem is your mother, sister and partner.

I applaud the work you're doing for yourself, and am encouraging you LOUDLY to keep it up! Realise that, as others have said, actions count as well as words. Also that you have the absolute, inalienable right to walk away from anyone who treats you disrespectfully. Now you know what respect is, you've done the hardest bit of your process. Good luck and a following wind to you :)

Thanks everyone.

I was discussing this with my counsellor today and we agreed that yes, I need to repeat, repeat, repeat when it comes to my mother. I thought she'd listened to something I'd said last week (she repeated it back to me, and although obviously didn't like it at least she'd heard). Come yesterday, she did the same thing. Grrrr. I will tell her again.

Garlicfrother - I shall raise my sail and catch that wind! And people will know about it!!!!! Thank you!

Springydaffs - what is the book you were talking about. I don't mind reading something written by a Christian, so long as it doesn't ram religion down my throat.

Thanks so much all of you, and sorry for taking so long to coming back to this. Must dash now, but I shall return on Monday.

This book OP is what SpringDaffs is referring to. It's very good, made a lot of sense to me.

Brilliant. Thanks Boogiewoogie. I shall order it and see what I make of it.

Just had a brief look 'inside!'. How religious is it really?