What about my children's relationship with my mother???

[clare458]

I fell out with my mother last year. To cut a long story short, she has always been emotionally abusive to me and I finally stood up to her resulting in her cutting her ties from me.

She was so quick in doing this that it left me feeling that all my life, despite trying my hardest to get on with her and please her she really wasn't interested in me or really cared.

Although we've fallen out, I have never said she couldn't see my dc. She hasn't mentioned them either. She sent them birthday/ Xmas presents and sent a Christmas card to all of us, included my name and dh and signed it from mum?

I don't want to contact her but I also don't want in years to come to be blamed for her not seeing my dc. My dc have barely mentioned her, she has never been a big part of their lives. If they really wanted to see her I wouldn't stop them but they've never said anything. They are 12 and 8 and baby of 9 months (she hasn't seen her since she was tiny.)

I'd like opinions on what others think I should do? In all honesty I'd like to leave it until my dc mention her.

Thought I'd add that my 12 year old does know I'm not speaking to her. I did tell him that although we're not getting on it has nothing to do with him or his brother/ sister and that if he wants to see her or speak to her that is ok.

Exactly. So no need to feel guilty then.

Seriously, I have never met anyone who managed to be emotionally abusive to one member of their family but maintain a normal, healthy relationship with everyone else. Even if your mother was able to do this, it would be no fun (and actually quite damaging) for your children to see you treated badly by your own mother (even if nothing overt they will pick up on it).

Maybe being a card and present Grandma would suit your mother (superficial effort only required).

Thank you for your reply. In the build up to us falling out, she had even tried to run me down to my eldest son and had started talking to him as if she really pitied him for the way I am as a mother.

She has even stooped as low as to try and drive a wedge between eldest son and 7 yr old. telling whoever would listen that he was so left out and that I favoured my other dc over him. Which is so not true and if anything he probably gets more attention.

In an ideal world I wish she'd stop with the presents and really not be a part of any of our lives.

What possible benefit would it be to your dc to keep seeing her.

Cut her off and if you don't want the presents & cards just send them back.
They are probably only sent to guilt trip you anyway.

She sounds really difficult. Don't worry at all about her not seeing the DC, they won't miss out, and in fact if she's abusive they are much better off not seeing her.

I had some toxic grandparents, with limited contact as a result, so speak from experience! Had lots of caring adults, so didn't miss it.

Also think that the relationship between grandparents and DC flows from the relationship between the grandparent and parent, and that if the latter, vital relationship is not ideal then the priority should be resolving that (which may lead to more, less or no contact between the grandparent and parent), not access for the GP to the DC.

Re the presents, one option would be to somehow send a message saying "no more presents please", and return any that arrive after that?

I have a supremely toxic mother. I have no contact at all, and I am quite sure that stopping contact between her and my dc's was the correct thing to do. She had my ds down as autistic, dyslexic and in need of throat surgery before he was four. There is NOTHING wrong with him.

My dd only knew her for a few months, in which time mother had labelled her as difficult and unresponsive. My therapist feels that there may be an element of something Münchhausen by proxy about her, but an actual diagnosis would require her to see a psychiatrist, which won't happen.

Mother believes that I am "evil and must be stopped".

Children's services and ss have supported my decision totally.

They both know why, in an age appropriate manner, and hopefully the pattern of toxicity in my family will stop here. It goes back a LOOOOONG way.

It might be interesting to see how far it goes back in your family OP. It can make the whole thing a bit less traumatic, and more the right thing to do.

I don't want to contact her but I also don't want in years to come to be blamed for her not seeing my dc.

Please don't make decisions for your children based on the hope that if you appease her, she'll one day stop emotionally abusing you/blaming you for things.

To decide that your kids should be in the company of your abusive mum so that she will never "blame" you for something is, frankly, quite a sick thing to do. If your mother is emotionally abusive, you should protect your children from her. Not use them to appease her for your own reasons.

When your children are adults who have a strong sense of self and the ability to set their own boundaries sensibly, then THEY can choose to spend time with her. For you to throw them into the lion's den so that you can feel you've done right by an abusive mother is unwise in the extreme.

Send the presents back, refuse contact if she initiates it, and if they ask, be frank with your children about why they don't see their grandmother. Children need to learn that a) you will protect them from harm and b) people who are nasty to other people are not to be entertained.

If she didn't happen, through an accident of birth, to be the person who gave birth to you - is she a human being who you would WANT in your children's lives?

If not, then there's your answer.

You have to protect your children, as far as you possibly can, from people who will harm them. This means not exposing them to someone who has proven to you that they will not treat them how they deserve to be treated.

JustHecate that is a good point. I would not want her in my children's lives if she was just a general person.

I've never actually thought she'd be nasty to my dc but reading back on my own post, I'm now realising that by her trying to turn my own child against me is harming him as well as me.

oikopolis If my children do ask, you're right I need to be honest with them and say why there is no contact.

singingprincess she lost her own mother when she was pregnant with me from cancer at 17. And in her defence suffered some trauma's, including losing my brother to cancer when he was only 3 about 24 years ago. Her own family are hardly in contact and although a few of them were supportive when my brother was ill, they disappeared and never really made contact after he died. My uncle who my mum can barely tolerate is also not a particularly nice person, but is so much like my mum it is scary.
I really feel she needs help and she is very, very bitter. If I was to say this to her she'd probably have a go at me, 'because what do you know about people's feelings?'

She had 3 children by 3 different fathers. My sister and I have never had contact with our fathers because mum stopped them and has always said they weren't interested. My brother did with his dad when he was alive, but they soon split after his death and mum slagged him off constantly around us. We saw him as 'dad' but lost contact when he left, he remarried and had more children.

My sister is very similar to my mum and is also quite bitter, she has recently split from her long term partner and part of the reason for their split is down to my mum interfering. She has always been able to control my sister and not me, which is why we don't get on.

I have never enjoyed seeing my mum, never enjoyed her visits. She literally sits down and watches me and judges me as a parent. I'm tense and get snappy with my dc. I almost use to feel that I had to make them behave really well around her so she wouldn't judge me and so she'd love them. It was all so negative.

You didn't think she'd be nasty to them?

She could be cruel to her own child. Her own baby. Someone who can do that can certainly be cruel to any children of that child.

Her trying to make your child think badly of you is continued abuse of you as well as cruel to the child.

Some people should never have had children. Top and bottom of it.

Toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents and I note that she had already tried to drive a wedge between your two eldest children. She has brought nothing positive into your life; she will not do so with your childrens lives either. You are not as powerless as you think you are; you can bar all visits by her.

Many children now adults who were and remain victims of such toxic parenting have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. You need to protect your children from such dysfunctional crap, do not for a second believe that your children should or ought to be seeing this woman to somehow in your mind appease her. You did not make her this way; I would put money on it that her own birth family were emotionally abusive to her. Its not your fault she is like this, that's her own birth family's doing.

It is of no surprise to me that such dysfunctional crap often does seep down the generations. It stops with you. Send any stuff back or give these to the charity shop. Do not acknowledge anything from your mother.

You owe your mother precisely nothing.

You would not tolerate this type of dysfunctional behaviour from a friend, family members are truly no different in that regard.

You may want to also visit the "Stately Homes" thread on here and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Congratulations to standing up to your mother! She then "cut off all ties". I think that is a common scenario, she can give it out but she can't take it ....hmmm. Her behaviour is not your responsibilitly.

i.e. She is reponsible for her situation re. seeing her grandhilcdren, as other posters have signalled.

Ok, clare, she is pretty unwell for understandable reasons.

Reasons are not excuses.

I think perhaps a dip into Stately Homes would be an idea for you, to get an understanding of how dysfunctional families are systems, to help identify YOUR role in that system, and break it for the sake of your kids.

If you don't want to post, perhaps start ploughing your way through the reading list, books and websites, that are listed at the top of the thread. They are incredibly useful.

Good luck...it's so tough, but worth it.

OP I can see you've thought long and hard about why your mother is the way she is, but I just want to gently remind you that she still has no excuse.

There are a lot a LOT of people out there who've had appalling childhoods and marriages, but are still loving, functional parents living full lives. Your mother isn't one of those people. The reasons are immaterial really. The fact is she's not someone who should be around children, and that includes yours.

Cycles of abuse are perpetuated because children make excuses for their abusive parents. Don't be part of that. Have nothing to do with it.