does anyone else think he was already involved with her when we split????

[sanchpanch]

He went to magaluf on football holiday in june, 2 weeks after he got back he said he wanted to split (well said he wanted a break to begin with)
Couldnt really give me any reason for this,

i begged and pleaded with him for 3 months to give us a chance to work it out but he wouldnt he said he has to want to give it a go, and he didnt want to...

then in september he takes his girlfriend to a friends bbq, this was 2 days after sitting with me telling me how much he missed me, cared for me and how hard he finds it when he sees me looking attractive(i had lost 3 stone through heart break)and he even said if we get back together we'll do this and that

I knew nothing about this girl and he apparently made lots of calls to bbq to make sure my friend wasnt there, anyway my friend was watching video of bbq and saw him on it with her!!!!

This was the end of my begging and pleading, after i found out about her,

I dont think he wanted me to find out about her and was probably just keeping me waiting, as all he said was just give me some time...

I now feel that he probably met her in magaluf, as i feel that after he saw how devasted i was he would have been willing to try for a few months had she not been there for him... because he would have had nothing to lose by trying with me for a few months

I still feel so low about this and cant seem to move on from it all why he has moved on easily?

Do men tend to leave when there is someone else to go to???

I dont know what i expect anyone to reply to this just wanted to try and get it out of my head.....

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thnks i just feel so stuck at the moment, and keep going over it all in my head and wonder why he did it, there is no point asking him for answers becuse i dont think he woul d give me them, i guess i thought i would be feeling much better by now, and i am not

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Oh sanchpanch, I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I can't give you an answer, but whatever the truth is, it's not going to change anything.

My thoughts are with you and sorry haven't got any decent advice

Oh sandpanch!

I dont know what to say to you. Its awful to have your family break up and not know the reasons why or how. It must be so incredibly difficult but you seem to be doing so well. Its totally understandable to be "stuck" and confused by it when you dont believe you have been given all the answers.

Take care of yourself and keep being strong.
x

yeah i am sorry it all happened to, truly devastated, but life has to go on for me and my 2 girls

I guess if i knew if he met her when we together it would make me dislike him more, cause at the moment he is high up on this pedestal, i guess thats part of the rejection process i have to go through...

and i guess it would give me a reason for the break up ie, he chose an exciting new life instead of sorting ours out?

sanchpanch- as someone who's lived through her dh affair- from what you say he probably was involved with her before he left. However as others have said he would have left anyway at some point.
I am so sorry for your pain as no doubt for you you did not see this coming and were just doing all the things you did as a family then "wham " this is dropped on you and you are trying desperately to understand what you did wrong, where did the change happen etc etc

You probably did nothing wrong- your dh is the one who "moved the goal posts" and decided he wanted something else.

Please stop balming yourself for his selfishness-have you seen a counsellor? I'd strongly recommend it- I know it will not change what happened but it will let you let all these feelings out and enable you to make sesne of the huge change in your life (which was not your choice- which is the hardest thing)

I felt so eaten uo inside, so sad and heavy with emotions when we went though this awful time- Ifound a counsellor and I'm sure she saved my sanity. it give me strength to move on little by little and made me see I was not a bad person and had choices I could make with my life.
Men are s good at putting the lid on the box of the past- your dh is moving on because he probably doesn't want to dwell on what he's just done as he knows he's not a nice person in this time. You are trying to make sense of it all and need to dwell on it- that doesn't have to be a bad thing- just don't let it eat you up inside- please get some help with coping with the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing at this moment. You can move on, one day at a time.

i di have counselling through my work at the beggining, but the good old nhs, i was only allowed to have 5 sessions, and they were fantastic, i used to come out feeling like i could take on the world,

I just thought i would be feeling better by now, but im not, it doesnt help that i hear snippets about his life like he was away for new year, when all we ever did was go to pub. and that he was in pub with her over new year, i only keep in touch with one person from the group, the one that told me about the other girl..

Although one good thing i did see his friends out clubbing on new year, and they all said how fantstic i looked (have lost 3.5 stone since split) and i made a point of not asking about him

I guess i just hope that one day he will fall flat on his face and regret what he has put me and the girls through, because it has been hell....

how are things with you maturer at the moment, i remember your post about the affair

i wont be on pc for rest of the day but i would appreciate anyone else's opinion,
thanks

sp- we are doing really well still together and neither of us regret being so.

This type of hurt takes a long time to heal ( especially when 1 partner has walked away)
Even 2 years on I still get the odd bad day but this gets less and less. So keep strong honey little by little it will get better.

When you read from those who's dh left they all say a year on they do not look back- one day at a time at the moment.take care.

"Do men tend to leave when there is someone else to go to???"

very few men CHOOSE to leave marriages without someone else

Im sad to see this is you as I felt encouraged recently to see how well you were doing and it gave me hope

not much else to say except I DO understand
CAT me if you want to offload or want a chat

mistress miggins(love the new name) sorry your sad to see its me, i have been doing fine recently i just think with xmas and new year it brings it all back up again,

I just need to find a way to move on without the answers, i just wish he would have been honest with me, yes it would have hurt but i was already hurting.... and at least it would have given me a reason for the split, and i feel that had she not have been there he wouldnt have left he would have mended us???? like you say not many men leave unless its to go to someone else!!! they might not even have been involve together, she may have just been there tempting him away!!!!!

And i guess i just came on here to see what others thought about men leaving for other women.

My other worry is ever trusting anyone ever again, i trusted him 110% i wouldnt have let him go to magaluf if i didnt, how will i ever trust anyone again....

On a lighter note, i havent seen him since boxing day, because he now picks dd up from nursery, then takes her back there the next day, but tomorrow i have got to see him, at a doctors appointment with dd, so just been and treated myself to a new top in next for the occasion, (i have promised myself he will never see me looking a state ever again)

Ive been feeling down too - think its January blues - everyone seems a little flat which doesnt help does it

I dont think you will ever get the answers

thats the conclusion Ive come to and to be honest, Im not sure whether now hes left it would help anyway

I think we have to look forward - you can look back and see what you would do differently or what you would do again - but we need to move forward by ourselves & maybe even find ourselves again

I know what you mean about trusting again - for me though its more trusting someone because of my children - if their father can leave, how can I trust a man not related to stay?

still thats a long way off & to be honest, my H's behaviour has made me look at men I know differently and realise just how selfish he was....

ditto new clothes too

mind you my H came last weekend and started moaning about needing a haircut - I told him I thought he was growing it on purpose (looks awful)
he said he hadnt had time to go to hairdressers cos working so hard
aaaahhh shame