Is it ever a good idea to give DP an A4 document about your life together?

[UhOhJo]

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in life, major life/relationship difficulties, here if you're interested, though no need to read.

I think as a couple we have lots of options to try to make them better. (Although many days I forget that and just cry!)

So I've written all the options down with Pros and Cons. Yes, I'm very boring that way.

But would it be stupid to give DP a piece of paper and say, "Can we talk about this?"

Like an agenda, for the relationship talk from hell.

We have a history of talking badly about stuff, he doesn't usually want to talk at all, plus he's reluctant to change anything and these are 4 big change things like moving house/changing jobs.

We do need to talk, but best to tear up my print-out?

I'm trying too hard, aren't I.

We rowed while he was away, haven't spoken since and he's home for 1 night on Tuesday, then next day gone for a week. Not sure how to handle 'the talk'.

If you do have an agenda it'd be better if all parties had a chance to read it before the meeting.

I don't think it's a great idea to have a "meeting" like this if he is going away again straight afterwards.

That's true, I would have to give him time to read it first. It sounds very formal calling it a meeting, but I suppose I just wanted a chance to make things clearer. I'm a bit of a worrier too, and felt better doing 'something' about the biggest thing on my mind rather than sitting here waiting.

It's probably best to play it by ear on Tuesday, and probably won't be appropriate to bring out my prepared homework. :) But I suppose it didn't hurt to have written it all down, helped me think.

Make sure you're both in an ok place before you talk. A good place is better, but if the talk is needed it may be hard to get to a good place.

If I were him then I would be thinking the following when you whipped out your printed piece of paper:

She's written it down? That's a bit final- has she already made the decision for me? Does she think that I'm a child who can only choose a multiple choice? What if what I want isn't on there? What if I disagree with advantages/disadvantages? how long has she been thinking about this and will she expect me to make a snap decision as that seems a bit unfair? How long has she been preparing this? Am I meant to defend my viewpoint which is only loosely backed up from a sustained attack from someone who's spent hours thinking about this and so has a huge amount of ammo?

A handwritten list of key things to talk about might be less intimidating, then suggest you come up with a list of advantages/disadvantages together. DO NOT dominate this discussion- suggest less points than him (unless he comes up with an unreasonably low number of points (like, 3)) and then say "lets think about it for a couple of days and chat again" at which point you can scribble all your points down, compare notes and hopefully reach an agreement.

Giving him a list of key points to talk about and saying "can we talk about this on .... day?" is fine. Giving him a piece of paper with what you think are all the options, along with advantages /disadvantages of each will put him on the defensive and make it trickier to reach a decision together.

Good luck!

Thanks a lot. That's very good advice.

I guess I thought all my advantages/disadvantages were for the whole family, but true, if he disagrees with any of them it could turn into a I'm right, you're wrong kind of debate.

The problem is I don't think he's willing to think long and hard enough about some things to see some of these pros and cons, so I wondered if writing them down would get us there?

But hopefully I'm wrong and we will discuss things properly, and he won't just dismiss my suggestions, hoping the problem will go away.

I really do see his point of view, he's fine with our lifestyle as it stands - just wants me to sort myself out and get happy. But I've come to realise that getting happy means making some changes to our family situation, and obviously that effects him.

It doesn't help that I've used up my 'goodwill bank' by handling things so badly in the past. I was such a berk, whining and complaining about the situation and bringing up suggestions for changes mid-row, but now I want to be positive. We need to do something, I need to make the right choices for me. Just hope he sees it as important that we work together on this.

Feels like we're on our last chance, scared it's too late.

It sound like you would benefit from talking with a mediator, someone impartial to help you both communicate and resolve issues without going round and round in circles. What about relate?

I think you've built up this one night into a really big thing, and I'm not sure that's always a good idea. You can't have 'one night to save the relationship', it puts a lot of pressure on the other person, who may be tired, not in the mood for talking, having work stress or just unable to deal with all this stuff thrown at them.

I also think four major changes, for a person who doesn't like change, is going to be overwhelming. Have you really not talked about any of them before? Perhaps you could mention the moving idea in a more gentle way, probing to see the likely response. I would rather people gently sounded things out with me.

I just worry you'll send the list, get the list out when he returns (and you haven't seen each other in ages and won't again for a week), he'll panic or not say the things you want (be resistant) and you won't have got anywhere.

There are many ways to skin a cat. There's plenty of time to talk about what you both want (and it does rather sound like your list is non-negotiable for you), over the coming months or even a year. Perhaps you could talk through a counsellor, or just opening up to having bits of conversations which are not fraught or stressful would help. Going out for the evening can also help as you have to talk politely when out in public:)

I would hate it if my husband presented me with a sheet of A4 and said we need to talk about all these things and should have a meeting.
Break the stuff down into memorable chunks and have a series of discussions about the things that are bothering you. No pieces of paper. You can write down what he says afterwards if your memory is awful.
If things don't change though from your other post it sounds as though you will split with him saying you are horrible and he can't stand you.

Yeah, I guess I'll bin my bit of paper. It was 4 choices for ways we could improve a difficult situation, but I'm coming to think this one night is not the time to discuss anything major. If it goes wrong it will be another week of him away and us not talking. I suppose I just have to wait until he's back for longer, when there's more chance of discussing things properly.

I will just sound him out, give him a clue that I want to try something new. Perhaps he'll even take it positively now it seems we've reached crisis point. My worry is that these are things we've discussed before that he's always rejected. I kind of wanted a new approach, calm logic instead of angry words. But I appreciate everyone's advice that talking and taking it slow is the best way.

Thanks for helping me see it more clearly. When you're in the midst of things and desperate it's sometimes hard to do that.