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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Aggressive DH wont leave our house, how do I get him out so me and DC can go back??

15 replies

wilkos · 05/02/2012 22:07

Thats about it really. He has not been physically abusive (has been in the past) but he has been verbally abusive in front of the DC over the last 48 hours (and the last 4 years, but if I started a thread on that it would be pages long)

I have finally plucked up the courage to ask him to leave, so he has spent the last couple of days on a major offensive, shouting that he thinks I am horrible, mental, pathetic, breaking up the family, taking his kids away from him, telling lies about him. While I was out if the room this morning he read a text to me from my worried sister and practically combusted with rage. He follows me around the house desperately trying to get a reaction and seems incapable to modify his behaviour in front of the DC, he is refusing to acknowledge that he is scaring our 4 and 2 year old.

DD said to me when we were cowering together "Did daddy just say you were horrible mummy?"

Anyway at that point I though fuck this, and have gone to my mums. I am scared of him, but he is refusing to budge, even though DD has school in the morning because he is a narcissistic tosser as he put it "I am not fucking going anywhere as I pay for this house!!"

What the hell do I do to get him to go? We have no large scary men in our family to help, before anyone suggests that!

OP posts:

1973magpie · 05/02/2012 22:36

Have you phoned the police for advice? They might be able to help you persuade him to leave if he has been behaving in a threatening way, frightening you and the children. Must be worth a try. Hope someone more useful comes along soon, sorry am not much help Glad that you took the children out of the situation too, it's horrible for them to hear that,what a poor excuse for a man

Original poster

wilkos · 05/02/2012 23:34

thanks, I didnt want to go down that route but think I will have to consider it. truth be told I cannot believe it has come to this, am hoping it will all just go away but obv. cant do that because of the DC's.

calling the police is not something I ever thought I would have to consider doing. I am sorry to say that the fallout from him if I do could be catastrophic and I am scared of that, he will quite frankly, go totally nuclear he is not someone who is afraid of making a bad situation worse just to harm, even if it means he comes off worse too.

anyone else with wise advice? am feeling very low and lonely.

OP posts:

Lueji · 05/02/2012 23:42

Sometimes we just have to cut our loses.

I left ex and home, with DS and nothing else but my handbag.

Eventually he moved out, luckily, but I was prepared to just be away if it was necessary.

In the meantime, get advice from a solicitor or CAB. You could get the right to live in the house with your LO in case of separation, but as you describe it may require a court order.

If he is really mental, though, you may well be better off finding your own place at a secret address.

mrscumberbatch · 05/02/2012 23:44

No advice but do what needs to be done. You know exactly who comes first!

Things might blow up for a while but stay strong. Karma is a great thing.

And well done for taking action. Your dc's will thank you for it in the long run.

VerbalBehaviour · 05/02/2012 23:47

Speak to a solicitor who specialises in family law, many offer a free 30min consult, so you know what your options are legally.

slowginny · 05/02/2012 23:48

Honey bunch, so sorry to hear about all this. I've no advice as I've never been in your situation but sounds like a solicitor is your next point of call maybe? I have no idea what your rights are in this situation.

Thinking of you tonight x

izzyizin · 06/02/2012 00:13

Check out the Women's Aid website at www.womensaid.org.uk

As the national helpline number 0808 200 0247 is frequently oversubscribed, I suggest you click on 'local services' and get in touch with your nearest branch tomorrow during office hours.

Unless you are the sole owner of the marital home or any tenancy agreement is in yor sole name, If you were to involve the police at this stage there is no guarantee that your h will comply with a reasonable request to vacate the premises, and the police will not be able to remove him unless he has committed or is suspected of committing a criminal offence.

Ask WA to recommend solicitors who specialise in family law and divorce and who offer a free half an hour consultation, and make an appointment to discuss an application to the Courts occupation and non-molestation Orders which will require him to leave your home and prohibit him from 'molesting' or harassing you.

This may also serve to anger him, but if ihe does 'go nuclear' at least the police will be empowered to remove him from your presence/home and tell him to stay away from you.

Good luck - I hope you'll be back with an update.

Original poster

wilkos · 06/02/2012 21:28

Thankyou so much for all your responses. An update - he has gone! For now at least. Having separated from him briefly before I know that his current reasonable behaviour will not last, but at the moment I am here, at home, with my children, and he has gone, apparently for a week. relief!

OP posts:

kodachrome · 06/02/2012 21:36

Great.

Now use this week to get things in motion, such as an occupation order(?) so that he can't come back.

ToothbrushThief · 06/02/2012 21:38

wilkos this is often the toughest time. Don't be afraid of contacting the police.

AttillaTheMum · 06/02/2012 22:03

Add an extra lock to the door

Lueji · 06/02/2012 22:07

Definitely make sure he can't go in, at least while you are there.

Just in case make sure you have some clothes at your parents.

Best wishes for the future.

izzyizin · 06/02/2012 23:14

Now he's gone, you need to make sure he stays gone by obtaining an occupation order.

Until you have such an order in place, he is free to return to the marital home whenever he sees fit and remain in it for as long as he wishes.

Jux · 06/02/2012 23:56

Get your free half hour at a solicitor's and make sure you do everything necessary to get the documents you need to keep him out. You must keep yourself and your kids safe.

Tell the school too, so he can't suddenly decide to pick them up himself.

Women's Aid, 0808 200 247, here.

Do it tomorrow.

Well done, you've taken the hardest step. Rooting for you.

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 00:02

Yup, get the occupation order in place so he can't come back. Remember he can be made to fuck off and leave you alone; like all abusive men he has probably tried to convince you that he has superpowers, is above the law and can do what he likes, but this is not true.
Best of luck.

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