This has to be a sign from above, right?

[backjustforaminute]

I'm a lifelong atheist but if there's anyone up there, they must be trying to tell me something...

So today, after much soul searching H & I came to the decision to split up. We'd been together for 9 years, two lovely DC. I'd been unhappy for a long time, mainly due to his fairly aggressive temper and penchant for sitting watching repeats of CSI and the like on TV, night after night after night. For years and years.

Beneath the dark humour I'm actually quite upset, and this evening was questioning the decision to split up. After all, there's always a way to work things out if you really want to, isn't there?

Then (here's the sign from above bit) DS1, 6 y o, came out of his room covered in sick. His bed (pillow, duvet, mattress, beloved teddy, part of bedroom carpet) also, covered in sick. I rushed him to the bathroom, shower, clean pjs, drink of water, cuddle. Clean sheets, clean duvet, attempt to clean mattress, replacement teddy. During all this, H popped his head round the door and made DS cry by saying quite harshly "DS1, why have you been sick?" then dissapeared to the sofa only to reappear to say goodnight to DS once he was back in bed.

Leaving is the right option, isn't it?

Um.......totally !!!

Yes.

Your poor ds, how terrible must he have felt at that comment? You sound like a brilliant mum to take such a brave step and be so caring for the longterm of your dcs.

Good luck with the future, if you need another sign, get a pic of your soon to be dh and write 'Cock' next to it

So God sent the sick?

I think you know the answer to that one.

BTW, I admire the composure and grace which comes through in your post. Splitting up is never easy, but I wish you and your DCs the best of luck.

If it wasn't the sick it would have been something else. When it's over it's over and it sounds like you are well rid!

Poor DS

Since god has had no compunction about drowning the whole worlds population, a bit of vomit is quite par for the course.

Hi back,

Yes I think so. We had a similar incident the other day (stomach bug must be doing the rounds!)

Probs here too in marriage. DS1 off school poorly. When I came in from work DS1 said "Dad came down earlier and said if I ever leave my bedroom a mess again my ps3 is going in the bin". DS1 was laid on the sofa after vomiting all the previous night, he felt like shit and his Dad says that.

Fast forward the same day, Ds1 stands up for the first time all day to go to bed, he gets to the stairs and starts to vomit again. DH shouts - "why has he been sick on the stairs hes walked past the fucking sick bowl" Like you I rush him upstairs, clean him up and tuck him up in bed with a glass of water.

Come downstairs, DH is on the computer and he has left the sick for me to clean up.

I think when you realise they really dont give a shit about anyone but themselves these things just act as confirmation. I'm finding it really hard to make the break though

need xx

Thanks all :)

Need, I hope that you come to the right decision (whatever that is) for you and your family. If tonight's incident had been a one off I would have been pissed off but no more - H is usually good with the DC and does quite a bit of housework. He prob would have cleaned up the sick if it had happened in the afternoon, and not after he'd settled on the sofa for the evening. Actually, the real problem is that I can't get angry with him. I said, "Thank you for your help with DS" (passive-aggressive, I know) and he said, shut up and stop winding me up. If I'd pushed any further he would've got shouty & aggressive. That's the real reason why I have to leave.

Sorry back made that all about me

I think thats another side to them/him. You can just about get away with the "thanks for helping (not)" remark, but you know if you go any further you will have a huge row on your hands so its not worth it.

"Stop winding me up" ie if you say anymore I'm going to get angry and it will be your fault. Any normal person if they really just hadn't thought to help would say somehing like "sorry X I didnt realise I upset him/should have helped etc"

Well done for your strength

need xxx

What nasty nasty men.
They deserve to be left.

What a bellend to say such things to his own son. Well rid.

Yes.

And in fact oddly it was a vomit-based incident while camping that made me realize I had made the right decision to leave my abusive idiot of an ex. We were camping together one last time at a big event though in separate tents next to each other, DS was 18 months or so and in my tent with me. He got a bug and spent all night throwing up everywhere. XP went to bed at midnight and left me to deal with it all, some very nice people there helped by giving me a loo roll as I had run out. XP skulked in his tent and didn't bother coming out even though he must have been kept awake by it all. I'm emetophobic so it was the night from hell for me.
I KNEW it was the end then .

need no need for it's good to hear other people's stories... I hope that you do find the right solution for you - I know the advice is always to leave aggressive men but it's a fine line between "aggressive" and "angry" and it's not always easy to tell when enough is enough.

It's taken me three years to get to this point!

O.K I'm going to say sick incident isn't good enough 'sign' that you should leave your marriage. However you haven't painted a full enough picture of why you no longer love your husband. Although you mention his bad temper, have you tried going to counselling together to address his issues first? There must be some reason from his past (I'm assuming he's not actually violent or that would be different altogether) that contributes to him screwing things up - surely he's not just a bastard? If so what was he like when you marrried him? And no matter how bad your DS felt at his dad's insensitive comment, would he like the idea of you splitting up better?

PS he may well be a bastard I don't know, just going by your post.

Wow its incredible how people think on here.

Have you considered why hes behaving like that? Or even asked? Maybe hes bored in the marriage? Maybe hes feeling a little un-needed in life?

dot im sure she has asked. I asked my xp why he was liked that, cooked and cared for him even shortly after giving birth, treated his incidences of abuse with compassion and strength, focused on the good times. It's just not enough. you can do everything "right", be a wonderful, strong, supportive partner. but if they have a deep problem which causes them to behave like this, then your behaviour cannot affect them.

you can't fix anyone else.

Living, I have done the same things as you re. cooking, caring, focussing on the good times. Totally agree with you that it's not enough. I have asked him, time and again, if there's anything wrong and if he'd like to talk about it. He never does. I do believe that as his wife, I should do my best to help if he's feeling miserable, for whatever reason. That's what I've been trying to do for the past x number of years and I just can't do it anymore, especially as he takes his bad moods out on me.

Once, I did a 10k run and he refused to bring the DC to come and support me (not for the whole run, just to stand at the finish line as I got there!) He then changed his mind at the last minute but got there too late. Why couldn't he just have been there, like other people's families? For years I've been accepting his reasons for things like this but I just can't be bothered any more.