Should I try and save my marriage or giv up?

[50000feet]

I have had major stress in my life with a very difficult teen, job worries and a high pressure job to boot and a host of stresses outside my marriage it has all taken its toll on my marriage. dh in a high pressure job, travels weekends to see his own teens etc. and we have grown apart. I have dealt with my stresses on my own and resent him for not being strong and helping me and probably vice versa. He accuses me of being selfish and not giving him his needs, which I admit cause I have been so upset with other things. I am surprised I have not gone down with depression with a special need child but I am quite strong am dealing with it on my own. DH has tried to help but there are no answers just constantly responding to stress situations, but he has not fully got involved or fully understanding. I realise he is a victim of out circumstance too. Anyway all we do is argue if we ever talk and slag each other off, taking our frustration out on each other. I get help from a teen psychologist but she is not there for my marriage. It's at the stage we just don't talk, he is downstairs n the other tv room and I'm upstairs it's a joke. Then we go to bed and when he snores I get annoyed and if I'm watching tv in bed (we have both done this for ten years) he gets annoyed, so more huffs and criticism. We both have no tolerance anymore and it just explodes into shouting and both saying we are getting out. Then it's silence for a week and then it starts again. We are in a rut. Should I just leave - or move to another room - he won't even although he does not want to stay in the same room as me. Stuck in An unpleasant stand still!!! Can't afford relate at 35 pound an hour.

I don't know really, but it sounds like something has to change, to break you both out of this horrible cycle. I know Relate is expensive, but so is divorce. I suppose the question is, do you want to try and work towards a resolution to your relationship problems? If you think you want to, that there is something worth saving, then something has to be done, something different than the current pattern, and I'm not sure moving into another room would break you both out of it. If not, well, perhaps look to an exit plan.

Thank you for replying I could kind of see the answer as I was writing it in black and white. I would try again if we could get back what we had as it was great, but just not sure it's there anymore. I look at him and can't find that skipped heart beat, more annoyance with little things I did not mind before.. .?????

Seems like a change of profession is in order for you both

OOT I love your name :)

write down what you've written there, and then say at the end "I want to try to make this work"

And start sleeping in different rooms if you can. A good night's sleep helps a lot.

Seems like your marriage has become bottom of the priority pile.

Do you honestly value your job and £35 more than your marriage?

Whatever you answer to that you have your way forward one way or another..

Also, how do you both have high pressure jobs but can't afford £35?

You need to give yourself a bit of a break. If you are sleep-deprived and stressed out you are in no position to make any long-term decisions. I'd echo the advice of getting some sleep in the spare room - but tell your H that it's because you've recognised that the sleep deprivation is affecting you, otherwise he may read all sorts into it.

In this climate I doubt either of you can do much about your job-related stress, and I can understand that if you can't afford Relate, you can't afford it (no one's marriage gets sorted in one session alone). If there's any way you can work it into the budget I'd recommend it because as another poster pointed out divorce is much more expensive, but if you can't you can't.

So what can you work on without outside help? I think you need to take a two-pronged approach. Firstly, tackle the stress. Make sure you and your DH have at least one night a week where you can relax properly. Take a long bath with a glass of wine, take up running - whatever, as long as you enjoy it. Make sure you're eating well and sleeping well and taking regular exercise as this helps your body reduce the amount of stress hormone it produces.

Secondly, tackle the emotional side of things. Try keeping a diary of how you feel - only needs to be a few lines written every day. Try doing this for a couple of weeks and get your DH to do it too. After a few weeks, look back over it and see if you can pull out any common threads - what's frustrating you? What specific behaviours are causing problems and what can you or your DH change to improve things? What's not in the diary - as often this can be a good sign of what's missing from the relationship. Once both of you've done that, you and your DH can try talking about it together. Write letters to each other if it helps you to communicate more effectively.

Getting enough rest and thinking about things calmly rather than constantly reacting to stressful situations could be all you need to get through this. And if the end result is still that you'd rather get divorced, the process will help you to do it that much more amicably.

Good luck.

Agree with the other posters... good advice from sunshine.

If you can't afford relate try and get hold of a couple of books 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew Marshall is a decent enough place to start.

Do the love languages quiz - www.5lovelanguages.com - find out how each of you likes to receive love... and then just going doing it.

You don't have to wait for him to stop nagging, arguing, being distant... you can change your behaviour today. You have the power to control your actions, so no excuses, if you don't want to be in a stressed out, heading down the plughole marriage then start acting with kindness and respect to your DH. Don't sabotage yourself by expecting him to hold out the olive branch, you are both wounded, but you can take the first step and keep walking until he starts to respond.

Most importantly - spend time together, doing things that are enjoyable. A marriage doesn't just maintain itself, it takes time and a little effort. If you don't see each other, be kind to each other... you're not going to want to stay together.

External pressures and stresses can impact a marriage and often we act in a negative way to a partner that we would never do do a friend or colleague.

Excellent advice from sunshine. Can you access counselling from your GP?
It seems like the pressure is too much in the marriage and neither or you can support each other so you both feel resentful and unappreciated.

Would splitting up fix the issues? Would you have the same issues (plus others) and just be coping on your own?

I have been away for a few days and waw really appreciate all your posts. A couple of days away from dh and silence from the phone made me miss the times I was away from dh but loved the phone contact. However, although I miss and appreciate the old times when I came home I still could not bring myself to think I can make it better. I look at him and there is nothing there, or i dont want there to be anything there. No doubt he looks at me and there is nothing there but good memories. I just don't know if I can love him like I used to and think I don't want to cause if he did leave me I would hurt. Defence mechanism I guess but bigger things stressing me out. The stress with my DD14 is too much, she has now left home to live with her dad but constantly still demanding and now fighting with her dad. She has aspergers and is high maintenance. Looks like I have lost it all! DS at uni since last Sep. Ok now feeling sorry for myself, but it won't last long, need to keep going and put on the strong face and have a glass of wine. I am going to try the separate rooms ( have two empty kids rooms to move into ). Try taking the sleep deprivation out the equation and leave some room to manoeuvre. Your all right, I can afford the £35. Think I was just holding out for him to pay it out of stubbornness. do you know what - I'm too scared to put me or him before my DD, she has accused me of that even although I can take on board we all have our needs in life. I have the weekend to myself to think things through and move the furniture around. Than you.