Massive argument, recovering from op, was I in the wrong at any point??

[NewYorkCalling]

Sorry for the name change. Basically 2 weeks ago I was rushed into hospital and ended up having an emergency operation (stomach related). I had to stay in for just over a week, in which time DH started off coming every day and was very sweet and caring but towards the end decided it was becoming a "faff" and came less. This upset me but I never mentioned it. I came home last wednesday with tons of painkillers and strict instructions to "rest". I spent the rest of the wednesday in bed and then most of thursday (he went back to work thursday). Friday I got up, pottered around the house, watched a movie on the sofa, did a bit more but generally felt really crap and went to bed at 7pm. Saturday the kids were picked up by their father and DH was at work so again I was on my own all day. I did bare minimum but looked forward to spending the evening with dh so bought a movie we both wanted to see from box office.
So anyway he came home, opened a can of beer straight away (it was only 5.30pm) and drank that within 5 minutes and then opened another one. I raised a brow but didn't say anything. I mentioned to him that I'd bought the movie, he said "right" and that was it. 4 cans down he said he was going for a walk to take-away, did I want anything. So I asked him to get me a small chinese. He came back, we ate, he drank two more cans. I put the movie on and snuggled up to him on the sofa (we do this often so I wasn't acting out of character here), anyway he seemed really unresponsive, didn't put his arm around me or anything. I asked if he was ok, he said he was. The film started and all of a sudden he snapped "go to bed if you're tired!" I wasn't falling asleep, I was watching the movie! I said I wasn't tired and asked why he was being so stroppy, he said he wasn't. Another can down.
What sparked it all off was I put my hand under his shirt and stroked his belly. Again not entirely unusual but he just snapped and stood up muttering "for fucks sake, just go to bed". I asked what on earth was up with him and he went crazy and started shouting at me that I've been away for over a week, done "fuck all" since I got back and was all of a sudden "all over him" when I "knew full well we couldn't 'do anything' anyway". I retaliated asking if he was seriously on about sex right now and he said something about "No I'm on about you being fucking irritating".
So I got up, walked past him and said "right, you're drunk, I'm going to bed" and he grabbed my arm and yanked me back very hard shouting "don't you fucking walk away from me". This caused an excruciating pain in my stomach, I cried out and went down to the floor, he told me to get up and when he saw how much pain I was in he was mortified and said he'd forgotten and tried to help me up and said he was calling an ambulance etc, he put his arm around me and kept saying he was sorry and he loved me and didn't know what came over him.
I don't really know why I'm posting I just don't understand what happened here, did I do anything wrong? He genuinely is sorry I think but I just don't understand. He's been lovely to me since.

You didn't do anything wrong, nothing at all.

He sounds like an utter arse.

How are you feeling now?

This sounds really dodgy. Has he been like this before when he feels you aren't keeping house well emough?

I'm just tired really. He's never acted like this before, he does get aggressive if riled after a drink but never physically.

He's a fucking prick and is clearly one of those arseholes who can't BEAR 'weakness' like illness - my ex was like this and in the end his contempt - and let's make no mistake, your dh holds you in contempt - made the relationship over.

So why does he drink when he has a tendency to become agressive?

He doesn't respect you enough to avoid behaving in a way which he knows will upset you.

OP you were not in the wrong at any point!

Is he normally a drinker?
Has he ever been aggressive before?

Would you do this to him if the situation was reversed?

If not...why should you tolerate it?

Stand up to him and tell him he's out of order

You have done nothing wrong.

I would probably think he's a bit confused; you were rushed into hospital, and it probably scared him. You're now back home and so - he thinks - things should have returned to 'normal', when of course, they haven't. You need to re couperate, and he just wants life to go back to how it was.

Men don't half see things in black and white - its all or nothing. You were ill in hospital. Now you're back = you are better. They react in very strange ways to stress. (My dh, when really worried, just starts to yell at everyone. Don't ask me why. It just inflames the situation even more... but at least I know that now. Took 16 years to figure it out)

I'd try and talk to him quietly today. Just ask why he reacted in the way he did. Ask him for just a bit more support, until you're better.

I hope it resolves itself.

How sorry is he?

He needs to be tee-total-for-the-rest-of-his-life sorry as a minimum.

He does tend to drink on a weekend but not usually to this extent. I get the feeling something was bothering him whilst I was still in hospital though as that's when his behaviour changed. He was ok when I first came home, bought me dvds, chocolates etc but he was acting a bit funny still, not cuddling me or anything like that and when I went to hug him he seemed reluctant. Maybe the painkillers are making me over-think things.

sort of sounds like he doesnt know how to handle you being ill and dependant on him? Unaware of his own emotions.

blue2 yes you're right! Men are such simple creatures aren't they? Just like toddlers, they can't see anyone else's point of view and can't control their own emotions

My ex was like this. He could cope with being sympathetic for a couple of days, then after that he got bored and withdrew his sympathy. He loved being looked after by me when he was ill though, the twat.

And did he??

Call an ambulance for you?

What did the hospital say - were you OK?

I wouldn't let him call an ambulance, he did take me to a&e though to get everything checked over. Everything was ok but I was told to take it "easier". He has since been running around making sure he's at my beck and call 24/7.

Christ Blue2 - confused? He's an adult. I would expect my dog to be confused if I suddenly went into hospital for a week but not my husband!

OP this is very wierd and horrible of him. I think you need to try some serious talking maybe even with Relate or some such, I would definately tell a family member or a GP so he can't gaslight you about it. Good luck and get well soon.

Oh dear. No, you were not in the wrong in any way. The way your DH acted was unforgivable.

As for what to do about though, I don't know. If it were me & he only behaved in that way when drunk then I would be expecting him to lay off the alcohol I think .

However, if he also acted like that when sober I think I would be considering whether I still wanted to be in the relationship.

Hope you feel better soon.

Oh you poor thing :( You've done nothing wrong at all. He is being very unkind. How are things between you normally?

I'm the first to admit I have a very low tolerance for illness and my sympathy runs out after a few days. Especially when I come home from work to find that DH has managed to get up and make himself 15 cups of coffee but hasn't managed to find the strength to put any of the 15 cups into the dishwasher or tidy up the coffee, milk and sugar he has managed to spill all over the worktops.

But the way your DH behaved is appalling.

If he's not normally such a twat then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that the stress of you being rushed into hospital, coupled with working full time, having to keep the house sorted and DC's routine ticking over plus visiting you has caught up on him. You say he's at your beck and call now, and so he bloody should be.