Want to leave husband

[movingahead]

I'm really struggling with my husband at the moment.
We have been together for a long time, and have 3 children together.

The relationship has been poor for quite a long time, in fact I wouldnt really call it a relationship.

I find my husband difficult to tolerate. He is ineffectual, and finds it hard to cope with any level of responsibility - basically I feel that I am expected to behave like his mother.

I used to love him, but tbh that was before we had children, and before that it wasnt such a big problem that I had to do most things, but now with the increased demands created by having children I am finding things hard to accept.

Also I dont find my husband attractive. I dont like it when he touches me. We do still have sex, but I try to avoid this.

From his perspective he refuses to acknowledge that there is any real problem. We have had frequent discussions over the last few years when I have said that I cannot cope with things as they are, but he tends to become upset, cry, say that he loves me, and then things tend to grumble on for a bit longer.

I have felt this way for a long time, but have been reluctant to do anything about it because of the children (my parents divorced when I was younger, and it was a traumatic time for me). I dont want to expose them to anything that will make their lives harder.

The last few days have been a bit of a wake-up call for me. For the first time I told a friend in real life how I was feeling, and they were extremely supportive, telling me that my assumption that the children would be damaged by divorce was wrong, that I shouldnt tolerate the situation, and that at the least I should consider having an affair (as a way of dealing with my feelings of missing physical affection).

In a second conversation with another friend I had mentioned something about our domestic situation (that I had been away on a business trip and had returned to find nothing at all done with housework, and that our pets were all hungry). I was commenting on it in a sort of 'what can you do' kind of way (because after all I had been away, leaving my husband with all childcare), but my friend was absolutely aghast, which surprised me, and makes me wonder if my expectations are skewed.

I feel now that maybe I should take steps towards ending the marriage. I can se no prospect at all of recovering the situation of having counselling.
I have begun to wonder if the children might actually cope if we did separate, and also that I am hardly providing them with a good role model for a relationship.

Sorry that is so long, its actually good to get a chance to type it all out. I'd appreciate any advice or views on my situation, as I'm beginning to wonder if I have been looking at things in the right way.

I would support you in separating. It sounds as tho you don't love or respect him any further and that he is hanging off your coat tails, thereby not growing as a man either. Its not wrong to split up. You deserve a life for goodness sake!!

Thanks for that something2say, it makes me feel horrible to be thinking this way. I used to love him, but you are right, I dont love or respect him, though he is a good dad, a nice person, good job etc. I'm sure that if we split up that he would continue to be there for the children.

He does have many good qualities, and I'm sure if we split up he would have no difficulty finding someone else, but I feel that there is nothing there for me.

I'm unsure about the practicalities of a split. I would not want to leave the house, because I dont want to move the children, and I dont want to leave them, though that really means asking him to move out, which seems unfair.

I think you know what is the right thing to do now. It sounds as though you've tried really hard, but if your H isn't prepared to work as hard too to rectify your issues then you will always find yourself back at this point.
It's taken me 10 years to realise that, no matter what I did, I kept ending back as you are, almost resenting my H and questioning whether there was any 'point' to staying together.
I made that split and (so far) it has only had a positive effect on my 3 DC's.
I'm enjoying being on my own for now, it doesn't have to be a bad experience for you all you know.
You've a huge challenge ahead of you and it may help to see Relate alone to work out how you are going to separate.
Also, keep writing down how you feel... on here or an paper/computer.
When I read back my 'diary' I can hardly believe the strength of my feelings over things I now can barely remember! Maybe write down good things too ;)

Good luck, horrid decision to make but you're not alone.

Maybe the practicalities of such a move should be talked over in mediation? If you are no longer willing to continue with the marriage then maybe midiation is the next step so you can both come to terms with the end of the marriage!

You need to tell your husband and make it clear that you want to end things and this is it, no more chances.

Then its time to sort the practical, which mediation or even relate can help with

You say you don't feel like there will be anything out there for you, there will be, you will find someone else, if you look!

Good luck and I hope you find happiness!

Mmm. How old is your youngest child?

It certainly sounds as if the relationship is quite dysfunctional at the moment. I do think that things can turn around to a surprising degree in apparently really bad relationships, but it's true that this one has quite a turn to do.

What would your husband do if you were living apart? Would you trust him to look after the children, at least to a basic level (reasonably regular food, sleep, getting to school etc)?

Sorry, I phrased myself badly, I didnt mean that there was nothing out there for me, to be honest I'm not sure if I want another relationship again. What I meant is that I feel there is nothing for me in the curent relationship - its unsupportive (not because he doesnt care, but because he is so passive that he cant actually be supportive), its boring, and I see no future in it.

I have tried so hard not to get divorced because I didnt want to be like my parents, but maybe I can do that by getting divorced and them still having parents who put them first in other ways. I want to do the best for my childen, and my reason for staying so far has been because of that, but I think that I might be teaching them to settle for somethng that really isnt good.

The youngest child is 6.

I dont know what my husband would do if we were living apart. Financially we would be OK, as both earn enough.
I think that he would be OK to manage the childrens safety at a basic level, and he certainly loves them. They would be OK as far as food, sleep etc. Would probably get to school on time. They would probably be quite untidy with bizarre clothing choices on days that he was responsible for it, though that possibly isnt that unusual.

If he's basically a good person, then when needs must he will rise to the challenge for the children. It sounds like he is very lazy/inert/passive and it's just a lot easier for him to let you do his thinking for him. On his own, he'd have to change or go back to mother.