I'm not sure what to do

[ReallyUncertain]

Hi All

I am a regular on here but have Name Changed for this.

I don't know where to start.

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for nearly three and have been trying for a baby for 8 months (not that relevant but don't want to drip feed). I have a DSS who is 14 and I love so much.

The problem is I think I'm bored, I've always been a person who has crushes on lots of famous people (sad but I do day dream a bit) but I'm starting to notice I'm having them in RL now, I have never ever done anything about them (and never would), but it's worrying me that this is happening.

I hit 29 in Decemeber and I'm dreading being 30, and I just keep thinking is this it, forever, I'm not sure if I can do it.
We've had a mortgage for 9 years and have a nice house, we do have quite a bit of debt on Credit Cards that we are shifting a huge amount of now.

I think we've got in a bit of a rutt and I don't know what to do, I am certain I love my DH, but then every now and again doubts are creeping in.

If I raise this with DH he'd be so hurt and then make a snap decision that we would be over, he's quite decisive once he's angry (which he understandibly would be).

Thinking practically we both have good jobs, and if I did leave and offer to take most of the credit card debt and rent somewhere really cheap he could probably manage the mortgage and his DSS wouldn't be affected (so much anyway).I'm considering whether to walk away with nothing and let him keep it all (as it would be my decision).

But if I walk away, my whole life is upside down, I lose a supportive and caring DH, a child I have been involved with for over 10 years, and all my hobbies and friends are joint with either DSS or DH. We both work for same (very large) company as well so most of our friends are there too.

I can't raise this with anyone in RL as the question will be is there someone else (no, not at all) and everyone loves my DH and will rightly think I'm a bitch.

I haven't voiced this to anyone else, and I'm sure people will think I'm mad but had to get it out there.

Thanks for reading

Wll firstly id put the baby plans on hold. Then you need to decide if you want to make i work or walk away.As a wise oldie who has been through divorce from my childhood sweetheart id say dont make any rash decisions. It is normal to feel bored and wonder what else is out there and fall into a big rut.
Me and dh (2nd marriage) are in a mild one at the moment as we have ababy who often doesnt sleep,we are tored and grumpy and have no time for eachother.We spoke about it last night and arranged some things for us to do together and talked about a nice holiday for us all.
So it depends really on how you want to play this.You will get some good advice and food for thought on here im sure.

Don't you dare leave with all of the credit card debt and rent somewhere else!

I found it hard to understand what the problem is. Are you worried you will have an affair? Do you think your husband isn't enough for you?

Hi, funny I just posted something similar. But onto your situation. i was married to 1st husband at 21 and divorced 5 years later - no kids. Like you worried about money, house and being single. Quite honestly best decision on hindsight was to leave - enjoyed 2 single years and had the time of my life. Now aged 45 and really wonder why I hesitiated at all, if you are at all unsure leave BEFORE you have children, beleive me sooo much harder when they come along. XX

I think, given hoew young you are, and how long you have been in this relationship, it is understandable that you feel 'bored' and have started wondering what else is out there, like you are stuck in a rut.

The thing is, don't make any rash decisions, perhaps you need to just go away on your own for a bit, to find yourself, rediscover who you are etc., without having to loose your DH in the process.

You might just need to make some changes to your life, wihotut meaning you have to split from your DH. Perhaps you need some hobbies that are not linked with either your DH or your DSS?

Thanks for replying.

ledkr I agree with the baby plans, but not sure how I go about it, my DH never wanted more children and after lots of soul searching and serious questions over our relationship we agreed to try, if I now change my mind then DH will be really suspicious something is off, and also due to his age (21 years older than me) if I say no now and then change my mind again he may not be so great in agreeing (which sounds awful when written like that) as he's already concerned about his age for having another baby. But falling pregnant now would be bad.

imperial I guess I don't know what the issue is, I can't exactly put my finger on it, I don't think I'm worried I would have an affair, as I think if it comes to that then there is something wrong with my marriage and I should leave before that occured. I just sit here and think can I do this for the next 20/30 years, and I think no way, but to everyone else I have the perfect life, married, DSS, trying for a baby, excellent job, nice house etc, and it feels like I want to walk away from some of it.

I'm sorry I'm not explaining this well, and I do appreciate the replies.

It's daft things that bother me now, so I like the cinema, in fact love it, ask DH to go but he won't as doesn't like it and happy to wait until it comes out on film (it's always been like this - so can't figure out why now it's annoying). He likes certain music and is happy to go to concerts, and be in the middle of the bit where people stand up and get squished, I'm really short and can't think of anything worse, so we don't go.
I suggest trying somewhere new (maybe fun with DSS) sometimes its yes why not but others he won't even try.
I know I sound awful, and he is lovely, I'm just bored and don't know how to change it

Have you "gone off him" op iyswim.

ledkr I don't know (I appreciate that I'm not being helpful), I started feeling different just before I hit 29 and I am dreading 30, I've been away for a couple of nights with people from work (business related) male and female and I've had such a laugh in the evenings and it made me realised we never laugh together anymore.
I do look at him and think he's really sexy and sweet, but regards to sex life, it's nothing compared to when I was 20, but then I'm a lot busier now. We're lucky if it's once a week but I do still get turned on by him, when I'm in the mood (sorry if TMI) and sometimes its me starting it and sometimes him. I guess again it's back about being in a rut, so I want more spontaneous and I instigate that, whereas he's quite happy for lazy sunday morning sex.

You say you have the perfect life, maybe you do - on paper, but you aren't happy so therefore it isn't perfect (iyswim?).
It sounds like you feel disconnected from him. There are things you can't (or won't) do together, but what DO you do as a couple? What brought you together initially and what do you enjoy together?
It's possible that you've changed while going through your 20s and you've just outgrown him...

Age differences work for some people.. for others it works for a while, but then the cracks appear.

21 years is a biggie.

You are approaching 30, still full of life, plenty of time to career change, put children on hold for a few years, and go with the spontaniety.. he is just over 50, a time when he will be winding down work, thinking about retirement in ten years or so, and quite frankly will not be likely to have the same plans for life as you.

Dont have a baby, not yet.

I personally would say your relationship has run it's course, or is in serious need of an overhaul, because you have tasted what life could (and should) be like for a 30yo woman. A busy fun social life, and a busy sex life too.

You've changed; it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with him. Nice people break up with each other all the time. I was a different person at 30 to the one I was at 20. You don't need someone to be awful to you in order to end the relationship; I think not being happy is reason enough.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life with him in order not to hurt his feelings, I would say it's time to end it.

You are only 29. I don't mean that in a patronising way, just that it's hardly time to be 'working' at a relationship, particularly when you don't have children together.

you do need to tell him. but perhaps work out exactly what it is you need to tell him first!

It would be deeply unfair on someone with whom you have a level of personal commitment to just up and leave without any warning at all.. So, I think you have a duty to warn him that you are having issues. Either about the relationship or about your approach to 30...or what ever it is that is making you so unhappy.

If you think he'll just lose his temper and not listen then perhaps counselling would be an option?

Tethersend I know what your saying but DH has been married once before (a lot younger), when we got together he was really nervous of marrying again and I said it would be perfect, we both had an amazing day and I meant every word of my wedding vows, I know if I make this decision I will hurt him so much when he has done nothing wrong,

migratingcoconuts I agree completely and would never ever just leave with no explanation, I guess this is the first time I've admited it outside of my own head and I know that I will have to talk to him sooner or later (I was hoping every one would tell me I was being ridiculous and to suck it up) but I know I run the risk of once the conversation is started it will never be turned back, so I have to know in my own mind what I want, and I'm not sure myself.

This isn't a case of the grass being greener, I know to go out alone will be absolutely devastating, all our friends have families and we get together as couples and have excellent times in each others company, if I become single I'm on my own and it's not like when I was 18 and clubbing with mates was a great way to meet someone, I will spend a lot of time on my own as everyone I am friends with is settled down.

My career and degree will keep me busy, but I also lose so much.

is there any value at all in saying to him that you know something is wrong but you don't know what??

"I meant every word of my wedding vows, I know if I make this decision I will hurt him so much when he has done nothing wrong"

He doesn't have to do something wrong for you to end the relationship. It doesn't have to be his fault. Or yours. You are allowed to change your mind, there is nothing wrong with that; it doesn't make you a bad person!

As I say, the only alternative is to stay with him until one of you dies. If you are willing to do that to avoid hurting his feelings, then go for it. If the thought of that doesn't feel good, then end it.

Sorry if I'm being harsh, but staying in a relationship because you are (misguidedly) scared of being alone is not fair to anyone.

Possibly yes, and I think that's where I'm going to have to go with it, but I need to plan it out a bit more and think carefully about where the conversation would go.

tethersend Not being harsh and I didn't mean it to come across that I'd rather stay than be scared of being alone, what I meant was I understand it will be very hard but I can do it, however I'm just not sure if that's what I want, or if it's just a phase, blip or rutt. I hope with everything that I'm just being stupid and next week I wake up and think that I was obviously just having a minor crisis, and I'm really totally happy.
What I'm scared off is starting down a path that I'm not sure of myself, but I do agree if I carry on feeling off then talks have to be had and decisions made no matter how tough they will be.

If you can't face the idea of living like this for the years ahead, you need to get out sooner rather than later. It's better for both of you if you start over while he's fit & healthy and while you have time in hand for children.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Starting over is scary (I did it at 23 with a 5 year old in tow for different reasons), but not as scary as being in a relationship for the next 20 years or more which doesn't fulfil you. I can't imagine your dh will want to stay with him because of fear of starting over.

You know you need to talk, find a time to do it. Good luck.

you are right to think that leaving is not the only solution to this feeling you have. It might be a blip, it might need a change in the why your relationship works on a daily basis. I am glad that you can see that he needs to be part of the discussion though.

If it turns out that the relationship really has run its course, at least you'll know you tried your best in what really won't be anyone's fault...just one of those things that came to an end.

And there is a kid involved. he may be 14 and a DSS but he's been through this before and at a really vulnerable age...so your caution is to be congratulated.

I think the age gap is starting to show. It probably didn't so much ten years ago. I am the same age as you and I can't imagine being in a relationship with a fifty year old.

Hi chubfuddler If anything the age gap isn't that much of an issue, I'm the homebody in bed by 10pm at night, he's the lets go out to the pub and stuff like that, I'm definately the oldy of the relationship.
For some reason I have always liked older men (I'm sure someone would have a field day with that somewhere) so even the guys who I get crushes on now are all past 40, with some up to 53?!? I haven't ever met anyone my age who I like.

Money has been getting us down, I changed jobs about 5 years ago, but lost nearly 8K, it crippled us and we lived on credit cards, we're getting them down now and have cleared over £7k last year, but still got four and two are big ones, we are hitting them with over £600 per month and they will go, but not quickly. We could put more onto them but then have no life at all, so we decided to balance it out.
If anything in the past year we've been working really hard on it and that seems to be improving. I've moved roles again and lost some additional payments that I'm not entitled to in this role, but my boss recognised this and has put me through one promotion already to make the difference up and another one should be in a few months.

I do appreciate everyone commenting, I felt like I was going mad, everyone telling me how lucky I am, and how nice your life is and your settled when some are just starting out, I just need to recapture the feelings that I had about 6 months ago.

I did wonder if it's because I was impatient to be a mum, but it's not happened, or maybe I thought I was and now they're not here and DSS is older we can do more that we want. ARGH!!! How can I ever explain to my poor DH what I'm feeling if I don't know myself!

Tbh i think its just normal long term relationship stuff nothing to do with the age gap that much (maybe a bit) Boring normal things get in the way.When i met dh 5yrs ago and we were at the in bed all the time phase,i made him promise we would never go shopping or to a diy shop.To this day we still laugh when we have to do those very things.
Whatever you do out the baby on hold cos trust me if you are bored and unfullfilled now wait till you have a baby and no sleep or social life for a while

Sorry - didn't realise this was 'only' the last 6 months or so...Maybe you're fed up because of the limits on you financially. I gave up work to go to uni and, while the financial side has been challenging it has also been the spur to shake things up a bit.
It doesn't matter what other people think - your life is not theirs. You seem to love your dh but maybe you have both settled into things a bit (we all do it!) and just need to make some fairly changes to liven life up again.

Why not go to counselling on your own, Relate maybe, to talk it out and see if that helps you work out what you really want? I'd probably try and do it on the quiet if he's likely to react as dramatically as you think to you not being sure about the marriage.