I want to ask him to leave. Last night was the end for me.

[camerontoll]

I think.

I just can't stand weekends like this anymore. Every weekend the same.

I have had enough but what happens going forward? What if he doesn't go? I love him still but I can't take anymore. He is still my best friend but I hate from Thursday-Sunday and the drink/staying up until 4-5 am. We are supposed to be going abroad in 10 days time for a family holiday. Do I tell him I am on the verge of asking him to leave but see how the holiday goes. I worry he won't take me seriously? He hasn't any of our other conversations.

We have a small house that needs 2 salaries but the area is bad for selling. Please help me.

Feel for you and can identify with what you say about hating the weekends and desperation to escape but not being able to see a way. You've given very little information though. It might be easier for people to help you if you explain a bit more about your situation and relationship. If you and your husband are friends why is it so awful spending time with him?

What happens the rest of the week?

Like today. He works Sunday to Thursday. Sat up until I yelled at him at 4 am to go to bed which he did. He got up with DS while I had an extra half our before going back to bed. His work are fairly flexible with a Sunday start time but I fail to see why he doesn't go to bed at a reasonable time and get into work and home again so we can do something as a family on a Sunday afternoon. He's still in bed which means the day is gone.

Last weekend was his birthday. We had friends over but he got so drunk so quickly, he threw up, they left and I sat on my own after putting in a lot of time, money and effort.

He drinks heavily Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It affects our weekend time as he is tired and grumpy and he must be hungover. It has bothered me for over a year now but DS who is 4 is starting to realise and has made a few comments.

When he doesn't drink it is good. He can't just have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. It is all or nothing. He wont' go on a night out if he can't have a drink and says there is no point in going out so either I drive or it is a taxi.

There are lots of other incidents which I have not been happy at but moved on but the weekends are coming round too quick. I vowed when DS saw it then that would be the end.

He wasn't always like this. It has crept up over the years.

I do still love him. I don't want to split but my threats and converations with him are not registering and there isn't any improvement. It is getting worse and if my words are not working then what else do I have.

Do you have DC, how many? Ages? You need to talk to him - or do you think that won't help? Is he an alcoholic? Does he realise that he needs to deal with that? Sorry about the questions but didn't want to just read and leave.

Nothing. He doesn't drink. Normal family routine life. That said if there was booze in the house he probably would have a drink. When his mother died in September I poured her entire booze cabinet down the sink.

We have one boy who is 4. I don't know about alcoholic. I am just not sure. I think there is a need to have a drink when he's finished the working week but so do I! I have a bottle of wine over the course of a weekend which is usually a couple of glasses on a Fri and a Sat with a smaller glass with Sunday dinner.

I have tried talking. Just about every Sunday when I tell him what he's been like.

Drinking is obviouslya problem in your house.
IS there anyone else there to keep your dc safe while you are both under the influence?
You wont change him, he needs to want to change but while you are drinking too that wont happen.
Why do you need to turn to alcohol?

I didn't mean that to sound like I need to have a drink after work. More of I like to have a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend. I am not a big drinker and can only handle 2-3.

Since Thursday he has drunk a case of Buds which is 12 or 15 bottles. Two bottles of red wine, a bottle of sparkling white wine and a case of 8 heinekin beers plus sitting up and not coming to bed until 3 am on Saturday morning at 4 am this morning.

I don't turn to alcohol balo. I may have a couple of glasses of wine over the course of a weekend, I may not.

If we look at how it is for you, then I would suggest you have a problem with his drinking, whether or not he believes he has or is "alcoholic" or any other term.

That is, his drinking habits are making you unhappy.

You cannot control this, only he can. However, you can tell him how you feel about it. Calmly, and not when he has been drinking.

But the rest is up to him.

Sorry but I think he will need a big wake up call before he even considers trying to change his drinking habits and a lot of support to maintain the change.

It is possible but only if he decides to make the change and gets the appropriate help e.g. no alcohol in house, reducing contact with drinking friends, finding other ways to enjoy evenings etc

Unless he is willing and committed, you are looking at a dim future.

Balo, drinking is a problem for the OP's husband, not for the OP. Her only problem with it is that he drinks far too much.

He is putting away a hell of a lot of beer in a weekend. I would think that he has a problem if he can't manage a weekend without booze and it is affected his family life.

You need to make a stand over this. Can you not organise a few activities that you can do over the weekend, that you need his attendance at, maybe decide to go to the zoo/park/swimming pool or something, so that he has a timetable to stick to (if that makes sense) and something to get up for.

Thanks imagine. This is what I thought deep down.

What is the big wake up call though? I do think he needs one. Do I pack my bags and go or do I pack his and ask him to go? What else. I want to stay. I want him to stay but not the way it is currently. We are supposed to be going on holiday next week.

So that is a lot of drink for one person then?

He is an alcoholic.

He needs to get help with that.

You can't help him.

You can only decide what you can live with, and ask him to leave if he can't or won't measure up.

You need to have a proper chat, explain that this is serious, that this is his timeline, that this is the plan if he fails, its not a discussion - he either sees it as a problem or not. Make sure he understands that he is making an active choice if he drinks to excess - choosing alcohol over his family. And OP as hard as it is, you need to stick by what you say, follow through on your ultimatum, whatever that may be. If you've had repeated talks about this but nothing has changed, it may be he doesn't really think you'll follow through and he only has to put up with an argument once a week, which is a price he evidently thinks is worth it.

OP - a wake up call can come in different forms, usually unpleasant. In alcohol addiction it is often an arrest, an accident, job loss or relationship break up. Or all of the above.

You can ask him to leave of course, or you can leave... there are no rules, but my advice would be to think this through and map out some support for yourself. You need to start thinking in v. practical terms - money, childcare, work etc and call on family &/or close friends to help you through.

Don't feel you need to tell them all the details (unless you want to), it is okay to ask for help when you're having major issues.

the holiday... hmmm generally holidays bring out the extremes so if things are not good, they might really blow on the holiday. Does he usually drink on holiday? Because if so, I would suggest you cancelled, or went either alone with your child, or with a friend. It might be the cooling period you need to reflect.

I do think you need to sit down and talk this through with him when he is sober and undistracted. Say how you feel about his drinking/what it does to you/your fears for your child/ and what you would like him to do about it. Say also that you do want to be with him if he can manage his drinking to a point that you are comfortable with (though I suspect he won't be able to do this. He is drinking v. heavily)

Sorry OP, it's a tough time for you.

The good news is that you are on the brink of taking charge of your problem and making strides to a better life.

Hi cameron,

re your comment:-
"When his mother died in September I poured her entire booze cabinet down the sink".

Why did you do that, is that because he would have drunk it all?. What did that achieve in hindsight; all that did was give you a false sense of control and that is enabling behaviour, Your man is finding any excuse to drink and that is a bad sign. You for your part are enabling him to continue in this behaviour by being there and covering for him; sorry but you are not helping you or him here.

Your man at the very least is alcohol dependent or an alcoholic. Not all alcoholics have to drink every day or are on park benches.

Make your home an alcohol free one and for goodness sake do not drink alcohol with him. That further enables him.

You cannot help him but you can help yourself; do contact Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers. Also read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Many such relationships like yours more often than not has codependent elements in it and that is deeply unhealthy for all concerned.

BTW it will do you and your child no favours at all to have your man any longer in this household; you are both imparting damaging lessons to this child. If you really cannot carry on like this then the only real alternative is to leave; what else is there to do?. He won;t recover just because you want him to; it does not work like that. Nothing that you have tried to date has worked, he has not listened to you to date because he is in denial of his drinking problem. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and his primary relationship is with drink.

Cancel the holiday altogether or go with your son and without him.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

If he is indeed an alcoholic he cannot manage his drinking at all. He is likely to be seriously underestimating to himself how much he is actually drinking at any one sitting. That is also denial and denial is a powerful force.

There is nothing you can do here to help him; you can only help yourself and your child here by not remaining within such an awful environment.

But say he left, what would happen with access for DS? He goes for the weekend and dh gets drunk. How do I trust him with DS overnight etc?

Sounds stupid but I wrote him an email. Told him everything, what he's been drinking, the costs, the affect on DS etc. he will get that on his phone at a work and I will talk to him tonight. The outcome I am still not sure. I am not clear in my mind saying he is on his final warning will do anything.

I am not sure if I should contact one of his closest friends who I trust I am just not sure. My head feels like it is going to go bang.

Thank you everyone. You have been helpful.

Dont involve his friends thats wrong, you deal with this between yourselves.

Your dh probably wakes up feeling horrendous every morning, with a nasty hangover and massive guilt. He probably promises himself that he won't drink that day. Then, as the day wears on, he gets a craving which he finds too strong to resist. So he decides to have just one or two drinks. Before you know it, he's in a drunken stupor, falls asleep and wakes up feeling horrendous . . .

The only exceptions for him are the days he works, when he doesn't drink. This means that he can tell himself that he can control it. That he does not have a drink problem. That he is not an alcoholic.

It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing you say will make a difference to him. If you split up this might still not make a difference. The only way he will stop drinking is if he decides he's had enough. When he is ready, there is help out there for him.

The only thing you can do is decide how you want to live your life. Staying as you are, with nothing changing, or leaving and building a life for yourself and your ds. Again, when you decide that you have had enough, there is help out there for you.

What Fairenuff said.

I don't think a further e-mail or talk with him will have any effect whatsoever.
You cannot help him, besides which he does not want your help!.

Do not contact his friend; for all you know he may well be one of his drinking buddies and will therefore back him up. If you seek help, seek it solely for your own self. Al-anon is a good place for you to start and they are there today.

Access re DS can and should be formalised; I can't see your man having any sole charge of care overnight anyway given his drink problem.