Do they ever give you 'permission' to leave?

[NCFIA]

Emotionally abusive men, that is?

I think he is EA, but I don't know for sure, it could be me and my fault, but is that not what everyone thinks?

He knows I would cut my right arm off for a lottery win to have the power to leave him. He gets twitchy when I mention playing the euro millions with my mum, just incase. He does not like that she keeps hold of and checks the ticket we pay for.

He knows I am not happy. We have not had sex for over 6 months or more. I can't quite remember when the last time was because I am always vair, vair drunk when it happens. He knows that sex might happen when I am drunk, so he waits (I think? Perhaps he just stays awake all night, every night, just in case?). I now choose to only drink on nights I can get utterly plastered and not care/know what happens the next morning. Stay up all night drinking so as not to be molestered.

How can I leave when things are getting 'better'? They are gettting better. He is trying. He no longer molests me in my sleep, so staying up is pointless but a habit I daren't break, just in case. He attempts to help with the children. He attempts to help with the house work. The nasty comments have stopped.

It's too little, too late. I feel nothing. How do I leave when he is trying so hard? It would crush him. I don't hate him. I used to love him. How do I take the children away from all their home comforts and destroy everything they know because I feel 'a bit down about things at home'? There are no arguments anymore, he really is trying.

If we leave we'll have nothing, not even beds to sleep in, let alone a TV, they are used to the finer things in life, providing us with what we wish for materially is what he prides himself on. He defends any argument with "But I bought you/paid for..." How do you leave that?

Do I just be unhappy? He is unhappy too. How can he not be? How can you be happy in a relationship where you know you are not loved and where sex is something that can only be stolen when your OH gets too drunk?

Do you jointly own your home - i.e are both of your names on the deeds/mortgage -- or do you hold joint tenancy of the property?

How long have you been married and how old your dc?

Are you both employed? If so, does he earn considerably more than you?

I think you are asking the wrong question. It should be : how do you even consider staying?

Not being molested does not make a good relationship, just to pick on one statement above. What you describe does not make for a happy and healthy environment for children. Get yourself and your kids out of the situation. Please please use them.

I am lucky enough to not have had to learn the details of charities, shelters, benefits and other sources of support that are out there, but there are many threads on MN that cover them.

We are not married. It's house. I stupidly moved into it after being threatened by eviction off a shitty LL because of confusion with HB. I have one child from a previous relationship and one by him. He very much classes both children as his and has told me he will take both children away if I leave him. I am aware this just an empty threat and he could do no such thing.

He has control of all the child benefits, tax credits, savings and main income. He takes all the bank cards to work with him to stop me 'stealing' money for things I want/need. Admittedly I do sometimes spend on myself and pay for things like gym fees, which he says we can't afford. Sometimes I 'steal' the cards to pay for school trips/groceries.

I only have a part time wage, which all goes on food, school things and ashamedly fags for myself. Any left overs are spent on take away foods for him.

He no longer molests me in my sleep

You dont KNOW hes no longer doing this . Hes a rapist and you are living with the enemy .

Ring womens aid and talk over your options . The factual way that you have described being molested in your sleep horrifys me . This used to happen to me , the enormaty of what had been going on didnt hit me till i was away from him .

Ugh it sounds horrendous. You are really not obliged to stay with him for anyone's sake. Housing is the issue- do you have anyone who could lend you £2k for a deposit and first month rent? Or anyone who would take you in for 3 months while you save it? Alternatively if you don't have any help you can present as homeless to the council. He is abusive, financially and sexually at the very least. They may put you in temp accommodation or private rental then you can claim housing benefit and get everything else put in your name.

Don't feel obliged to stay, you really aren't.

Because you percieve that he is "trying" or getting better, it gives you hope that he could change his ways and turn into a decent person, yes? That's what this behaviour is supposed to do. He knows you're getting itchy feet and he doesn't like it, so he's giving you token "signs" that he's changing in order to instil hope in you, because as long as you have hope for the relationship, you'll keep working at it.

Remember that it was him who did all these horrible things, he who thought it was fine to molest you in your sleep, he who has done all the other awful EA things. He will always be that person, even if he masks it for a while, how can someone who thinks he is entitled to sex whether you want it or not ever have a truly respectful attitude to sex, thinking of sex as something which two people come together because they both want to, to express how they feel about each other, because they want to be as close to each other as they can, something which is pointless and horrible if both parties are not enthusiastically consenting? How can he let you go, when he thinks of you as his possession?

He might appear to "change" for a while, he might even make a real effort to change some of these surface behaviours, but without years of intensive therapy, he will never change the thought patterns which make him believe that these behaviours are okay in the first place. And unless he does this, which is unlikely, since he probably sees nothing wrong with his own thought patterns, they will continue to manifest in his behaviour towards you in one way or another. He might not molest you any more, but perhaps will switch to pressure techniques, puppy dog eyes, guilt trips "When you don't have sex with me it makes me feel like I'm disgusting and unlovable"

Think about some of the ways he has been towards you, and then look at yourself and imagine doing that to someone else. You won't be able to, because you think like a normal, decent person, and something in you would stop you before you got to that point, because you wouldn't want to make someone else feel hurt, confused or upset. This is also why you're struggling to come to terms with the idea of leaving, though, because it seems so thoroughly unreasonable and like you would be causing your P hurt, pain and confusion. I can't really say anything to that except that, in the end, it becomes about survival. Sometimes, on very rare occasions, you have to do something which hurts someone else in order to keep you and/or your children safe. This is one of those times. Your lifelong well being is more important than his momentary upset at not knowing what is going on.

A friend is in the process of leaving her dh who sounds a but like this. She's always said how great he is with money and how he sorts it all. They have 3 dcs and she does a very pt job. She always said she couldn't leave because she'd have to gointo council in another area. Who gave her that idea? He did of course. She went to CAB who informed her that actually she's entitled to rather a lot. Shes realised hes been 'looking after' a lot of working tax credit.
When she started to tell him it was over he confused her again and put the house up for sale immediately saying they had to have an equal split but she's getting there. She's seeing a solicitor next week. Don't believe what he tells you at all. Only believe things you find out for yourself.