Problem with a friend....

[Silveryfox]

Not sure if this is the right place to put this, but I have a problem that I just don't really know how to approach....

My friend and I both have boys the same age - 2 1/2, and they both go to the same nursery. They have been best buds since birth really - we were in the same NCT group, and ended up sending them both to the same nursery. As they've got older, they have acted more and more like brothers - they love each other, and are always pleased to see each other, but they also fight and bicker over toys at nursery and whenever they are together really.

I've never had a problem with any of this - I'm not a "helicopter" parent but just recently I've noticed more and more that whenever my friend is there and both boys are together she has started what I can only describe as gaslighting my boy. Don't know if thats the right term, but basically both boys are evenly matched size wise, neither or them has a bad bone in their body, but my boy is sensitive and a bit emotional like me, and her boy is more "sort it out with fists". Again, I have no problem with either of them because they've grown up with each other and 5 mins after an incident/fall out they're best friends again. Bear in mind they are just 2 1/2.

Basically, if she's around, and her boy hits mine she jumps in before I have a chance to do or say anything and tells my DS her DS did NOT hit him, even though my DS will be saying "X hit me". I'm not saying she should discipline her DS but to tell my DS he wasn't hit has just really really got to me. My whole life I've had other people do this to me, telling me I'm wrong, this didn't happen, that didn't happen, I was bullied all through school, felt I had no rights and everyone else was more important than me. I will not let this happen again. But how to I sort this out?

We have just come back from another birthday party where she has spent the whole afternoon doing just exactly the same as always, and I've been completely stressed out feeling I have to hover over both boys so I can make sure I am there first when something happens. At one point we BOTH saw her DS hit mine - she said nothing! I was right there, and got down with them both and asked her DS if he was going to apologise - he said no. Pretty standard for that age, but its just really really annoyed me! If she thinks I didn't see it she will tell my boy her DS didn't hit him, if she can't get away from the fact he did she says nothing! We have another party to go to tomorrow and I've decided I just can't handle the stress so we're not going! Hope this doesnt sound too petty = maybe it will to an outside observer, but from where I'm standing I'm wound up like you wouldn't believe! I ended up picking my DS up and moving him to another part of the party to avoid more confrontation. I really don't have a problem with them having spats, as I said they're more like brothers than just friends. I just feel she's being passive aggressive and don't know how to deal with it.

Well your later posts explain the situation more thoroughly and I agree that the 'super-sensitive' and 'actor' remarks were infuriating. So I think you'll have to say something and stand up for your son, refusing to let adults belittle him in this way. What you'll probably find too is that as your son gets older and starts school, this friendship will wane or at least recede in importance and as you meet more mums, so too will your friendship with the other boy's mother. It might be one of those 'friendships for a season' for both you and your son.

Maybe he gets upset because they have such a close bond and so your DS finds it more hurtful, but that's just a bit of a wild guess on my part?! Seeing the other boy getting away with unacceptable behaviour can't be helping for sure.

Fingers crossed you sort things out with your friend and can set the record straight without too much difficulty. Best of luck.

Will you let us know how you get on?

Hi there again - just to update you, I've spoken to the nursery and told them in a nutshell whats going on. I've asked them to try to separate them as much as possible - not in a discriminatory way, but just to try to distract them at separate ends of the room so that they get to play with other kids rather than just each other. Still not had the courage or energy to speak to my friend - I've bumped into her a couple of times this week there and just sort of bustled in and out like I was in a hurry! With me she still seems to be acting normal, so I guess she maybe hasn't picked up on any vibes I might be giving out! Oh well... the nursery were concerned and the manager has spoken to me - she seems to think it would be a shame for my DS to miss out on parties but I just said it wasn't worth the stress and upset for me, and that I wouldn't stop him going to ALL parties, just some.

Anyway, just a quick update from me - if I end up ever having it out with her (which I don't thing will end well - for me and our friendship at least!) I'll let you know what happens.

Thanks again for the advice.

Silvery

"(which I don't thing will end well - for me and our friendship at least!) I'll let you know what happens."

Why's that a problem? get some confrontation practice in on a women who doesn't really matter, so that when you need to confront someone in a situation that does matter you don't walk away.

Seriously, this is a skill you need, especially if you're determined your DC won't have his feelings minimised. How will you ensure that if you can't stand up to a stupid mum who knows she's in the wrong? What happens when it's a teacher who thinks they're in the right? How will you stand up to them then?

Confrontation is a skill. Like (almost) everything. Get a close friend, tell them you want to practice. Do some role plays. Then next time this women does this, look her straight in the eye and say "excuse me, but your child did hit mine. Please don't say it didn't happen, because it did, and if you tell my DS that it didn't happen then he's going to get very confused. Please tell your DS that hitting people is wrong and ask him to apologise to my DS"

Worst case, what's going to happen?

One thing to add - one comment she made today when her DS walloped my DS and he started crying was "ooooooohhhhh super sensitive!!" in front of one of the other mums, so next time it happened and he cried the other mum made comments about him being an actor!! this comment is awful! That alone would be enough for me to be keeping my distance from her, I'm afraid. I'm not sure I'd bother to have it out with her, I'd personally keep my distance and widen social circles. As others say, at 2.5 they can move on, but if they are best friends in three years time, it will be harder.

I've been on the other side of this. DD was a nightmare at 2/3.
Slightly different as I didn't make comments about the children on the recieving end of my daughter's aggression. However I was really struggling with her behaviour. What helped was other people pulling my child up and being able to talk to me about it. What didn't help was one friend saying nothing to me/DC at all, but talking about my devil child and my rubbish parenting when I wasn't there and becoming too "busy" to meet up.
If you see this woman's son hit yours, tell him no hitting. If the woman has a problem with that then perhaps there is no point trying to have a conversation with her about managing your kids behaviour when they are together. However, she may be struggling to deal with her son and her shite comments are maybe a way to try and avoid/minimize the the frosty wrath of other parents.

I think 21 has a very good tip.

Start practising your assertiveness skills on her.

Your son needs you to "fight his corner". Especially if he is being gaslighted by her, he needs your input on that.

21yearloldMan makes a very good point about practising your confrontational skills. And why is it a problem if it doesn't end well? It would be her fault, her causing it. She is the one denying your son's reality, and calling him super sensitive. If she is so cool she won't act sensitive to you pointing out an obvious truth.

I know this is difficult for you Silvery but this isn't really about your comfort and keeping the peace, this is about showing your son he is entitled to be safe and not be slagged off as sensitive or a liar.

I wouldn't keep ds from parties, it's skirting the issue. Next time her son hits out, get her told, do it with a nice big smile on your face if it helps.

I too would keep it clear and simple. If you see any other child hit yours, just say calmly "No hitting."

If th eother parent denies there was hitting, just say calmly, "There was, I saw it." and move your child away.

With a steely-eyed stare, say "Actually, maybe you missed it, but I did see hit that time. Let's keep a close eye on them and both go for zero tolerance and see what happens."

I think the nursery manager is right. Your son is going to miss out on parties and activities he enjoys because you're bad at confrontation.

Hi Silvery....glad you spoke to nursery about this problem, hopefully now they are aware that will help matters for your DS. Perhaps you will feel able to say something if your friend says something mean again, easier to strike while the iron's hot an all that..I always find it harder to confront someone if I don't do it as soon as the situation occurs....maybe have some stock phrases ready like " Did you mean for that remark to sound so horrible/rude/unpleasant/nasty/delete as appropriate? etc

Rome wasn't built in a day and it does, as others have said, take practice to be assertive and stand up for yourself.

Good luck.

I am still happy to come incognito any day you like if you want some back up

If you do decide to talk to the friend, may I suggest a telephone call quite late at night (say 9pm) when the little darlings are in bed. A rushed conversation whilst at a pick up or drop off point is not satisfactory. Also you will both be more relaxed and can be honest. You might even text her in advance saying that you want to have a talk with her and would tonight at 9pm be convenient. This will alert her to the seriousness of the conversation. Good luck. Be brave.