Finding Strength Again

[Ferb]

I was with my son's father for 5 years, it was a very turbulent relationship. I lost friends, I lost myself. I broke it off with him when I fell pregnant with our son in 2009, because I finally found the strength to see what he was doing to me - and he didn't want me to keep the baby.

I've noticed lately that it's been so long now, but I still have no inner strength. I still can't stand up for myself. Someone commented on my children being noisy this morning, and I just laughed it off when in fact I was furious at the neighbours cheek.

I'm just sat here wondering why after all this time I STILL can't speak up for myself. I feel like I've trained my brain to switch off when provoked so I can't argue. That's now like how it used to be.

Feeling sad today.

Ferb

It would surely depend on the way the neighbour made the comment. If your children ARE noisy, and it is disturbing her, then she has every right to say something, and there should be no need for you to argue with her or turn it into a verbal fight. That isnt what standing up for yourself is.

Thanks

Don't feel sad Ferb, a lot of people find it dificult to verbalise what they actually feel.

As far as the neighbours comment goes, I suppose you have to think, did she have a point, or was she being petty. After all, children can be noisy and it does bug some people more than others.

But obviously your post isn't about the neighbour as such. Your're feeling at a low ebb and feel that you have changed as a person due to your husband's behaviour whilst you were married. Time and space will take away the rawness and allow you to become 'yourself' again.

I'm not particularly confident myself, if someone provokes me I tend to shut them up with unflappable calm (except on here maybe ).

I appreciate I haven't given you an answer, but hopefully someone else will be along with more practical suggestions.

Hope you feel better soon.

My DP grew up with a dad who would shout and make a massive scene at anything including getting physically abusive, and so was very scared of confrontation. When I explained what "normal" confrontation was (and demonstrated it) then she became a lot more able to stand up for herself.

I imagine you still believe a lot of lies about what disagreeing with someone or confronting someone looks like, and so when your neighbour said "the walls are quite thin, and I finish work at 4am so I'd really appreciate it if you could try and keep the noise down when you're getting DC ready for school" you heard "oi bitch, shut your foul children up in the morning- some of us are trying to get a lie in FFS!" (poetic license used heavily).

I imagine you also believe there will be consequences to you taking an opposing viewpoint- hence why you shut down during confrontation. You're safe now and interacting with normal people- you can say "I appreciate it might be disturbing you, but I do the best I can- children are just noisy" without fear of anything happening to you.

Try reading up on assertiveness or taking assertiveness training- it's a very good skill that allows you to deal with confrontation in a healthy, normal way- it's totally not about getting your way to the detriment of everyone else and will help you respond to everyday situations, and more importantly, give you good tools to respond to genuinely horrible people.