What would Mumsnetters have advised?

[WhereAreTheCakes]

"I've been with DP for 6 months and moved in two months ago. He is in mid 30's, been married twice before and has a DC who lives with his mum. I'm in early 20's.
I have quite a good job and he is self-employed but most of the time has no work. He tries to pay his way most of the time but I generally budget for things as I notice he gets debt letters which he won't discuss.
I'm over the moon to be with him as he's good looking, experienced and seems knowledgeable about lots of things. The downside is that he always wants me near him. For example I have to go on training courses with work and he expects me to refuse. So he arranged that we would both stay with his friend in the place where the course is (for 4 nights).

Also my best friend is about to graduate and expects me to go to her graduation. He has said that if I go - it's far away - not to expect him to be there when I get back. I've already cancelled a holiday abroad with my family as he has said we'd be finished if I went.
I've stopped going to gym and nights out with friends from work.
I haven't told anyone that he smashed up an expensive gift that I bought him when I asked him if was able to pay back the £700 I lent him to pay his phone bill before I moved in."

If Mumsnet was on the go 20 years ago this is what I would have written and the replies I would have received would have changed the course of my life!!

(disclaimer: stole this phrase from someone else on here) - More red flags than Stalin's birthday party.

control freak -step away!

but you know that don't you......

you need to ask ?

Leave the bastard, naturally.

Run for the hills and don't look back on the controlling fucker.

Sorry you didn't have the right advice at the time

Case closed.

I hope you got out ok in the end.

Do you really think you would have listened if Mumsnet had been around?

You cant be serious?

Do you honestly not see the red flags and hear the alarm bells?

There is a reason why this man is twice divorced.

Move out and on. Good looks mean nothing.

Poor you. How long did it take to get away from this bellend? ANd were you able to escape before he impregnated you?

god, if I were to post about the situations I got into 25 years ago, we would be here alllllllll night

the day he said we were over if I took up my Uni place was when the penny finally dropped

eh?

I guess I misunderstood the op.

Are you going to come back and tell us?

It took 16 years to finally escape. I have sole custody of DC and he doesn't see them at all now - he moved onto someone else and I feel so sorry for her.

I'm very happy now and when I look back all I see are the red flags. At the time warning bells were ringing but I was so naive and desperate to get away from problems at home I overlooked them.

I think I might have had the courage to leave well alone if I had Mumsnet at the time - and seeing how forthright lots of people are about abusive men.

You live and learn and I'll know the signs for others!

EITHER after 3 dcs and 20 years of dv, he's left you for another woman OR you dumped his possessive arse, met Mr Perfect-Gent when you were 24 and are posting from St Barts where you're on your second honeymoon after having renewed your vows.

I sincerely hope it's the latter but my money's on the former.

I'm so glad he's out of your lives and you think MN would have helped you leave sooner . And bloody well done for getting free.

izzyizin - ha ha = I DID leave but extremely difficult - supporting DC solely, on homeless list for a house, blah blah

But I did meet Mr Right - who is the opposite of the first one. And I really appreciate him. I'll not bore you with how lovely he is.

I'm sure lots of women out there grateful for the advice and support of Mumsnetters such as AnyFucker who is (always) quick to get to the point.

Oh Cakey, I think that before MN (or before we knew of MN) there was an Inner MNetter struggling to get out

Well done for getting out when you did OP.

I know it's a jokey thread, but in reality your OP wouldn't have read like that. It would have been peppered with softeners like: 'he's a lovely bloke really, but he's got issues from his childhood and is so insecure' or 'he says he loves me and has only ever trusted one woman' and once you'd had kids, there would have been a few 'he's a great dad most of the time' comments in there.

I'd like to think most mumsnetters would have responded appropriately, but in 1992 there would have been even more 'could he be depressed?' 'why not go to Relate?' or 'why not try this self-help book that explains why men don't mean to be arseholes?' type comments that we still see now from some posters.....

Actually, I think the single best thing about MN is that it is such a magnificent resource to help women not put up with entitled abusive bellends. Partly perhaps because of the semi-anonymity, women feel safe and brave enough to either question their partners' horrid behaviour or say to another poster 'He's a shit, this isn't normal, it's OK to bin him'. Because RL friends and family often have a fair bit invested in maintaining the status quo, such as not having to question their own dodgy relationships or being such mundanes that they think Being Single is the worst fate a woman can suffer, or they've just never questiond the patriarchy myth that if you could be a 'better' woman and 'understand' your owner man a bit more he wouldn't kick your teeth down your throat/refuse to allow you to buy a coat even though it's snowing and he burned your last one/want to shit in your ear as foreplay.

< smiles ruefully at sgb's succinct description >