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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to move out, what do I do?

14 replies

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 22:15

Have been trying to live with my now ex partner and our 2 year old son for ages now, it is simply not working. The relationship has been over for a long time, but we stupidly thought we could live together and raise our son and everything would be amicable. In reality it is bloody awful, lots of rows, not the kind of atmosphere I want my son to be around.

So, I need to move out. It is simply getting too much and I can't handle it anymore. I have no idea where my son and I will go though. We have no family nearby and I don't work. I feel trapped. We decided that I would be a SAHM whilst DS was young, but that means that I have no real money of my own and in situations like this I have no money to fall back on.

Friends say I need to go to the local council office and have a chat with them, but surely I can't just go in and ask them to house me? I just don't know what to bloody do.

OP posts:

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 22:17

Ex has said a few times that he will move out and let DS and I live in the house, but it is just not going to happen. He is a lazy bugger who would only go if pushed, and despite spending a lot of time hating him, I simply couldn't chuck him out.

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twonker · 03/02/2012 22:20

Going to the counncil office is a good starting point. They may offer you temporary accomodation, and you can apply for benefits, including housing benefit to tide you over til you can get a job. I totally sympathise, it's so hard to share space with someone who you have a dysfunctional relationship with. You lose nothing by going to the office and finding out how they can help you.

good luck

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 22:24

Ok thank you. I just feel daft going and expecting them to house me. I don't know. I used to be so independent before I had my DS. I worked, had my own money and supported myself. Not enjoying feeling helpless.

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solidgoldbrass · 03/02/2012 22:27

They may not give you a council house but they may be able to recommend private landlords who accept tenants on benefits. What is the situation with your current home: is it rented or being bought on a mortgage? And were you actually married to XP? Because if you were (or still technically are) married to him and the house is owned rather than rented, you should see a solicitor, you might be able to force him out.

twonker · 03/02/2012 22:34

I think what is offered in terms of temporary accomodation is really variable.... I don't know exactly what the minimum is, but they can tell you what is available in your locality. It's not a case of expecting them to house you, but to offer you support in making applications, and giving you information about service they do offer. Feeling trapped and helpless makes you feel pessimistic, and un-confident that you can find a way out, but knowing what your options are in empowering.

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 22:36

We're not married and the house is rented. I like where I live, I don't really want to leave the house, but doesn't look like ex will shift so we must. What I can't handle is the guilt from him, like I'm taking away his son.

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Original poster

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 22:37

Gosh that's true about options being empowering. I must keep that firmly at the front of my mind!

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Original poster

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 22:37

I must also not let his ridiculous guilt trips get to me as much as I let them

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mrswrite · 03/02/2012 22:50

Are you in a position to pay a deposit? You need to sort out any benefits you may be entitled to (tax credits / income support etc) and if can afford a deposit can find somewhere that accept housing benefit ( council may help with deposit) I would give shelter a call ( take s look at their website) very helpful, lots of advice, and don't be guilt tripped, better you both have the opportunity to be happy apart than miserable together.

Original poster

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 23:05

I'll have a look at the Shelter website, thank you

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Original poster

pickledparsnip · 03/02/2012 23:07

I may be able to borrow some money from family, but paying it back would be a real problem.

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mrswrite · 03/02/2012 23:14

Do seek help from local council/shelter, can you move to family for a while? Don't stay where you are not happy as it will do no one any good.

solidgoldbrass · 03/02/2012 23:14

Remember that your partner will be obliged to contribute financially, like it or not. He is your son's father therefore he will have to pay maintenance.

twonker · 03/02/2012 23:19

There are deposit schemes for if you have no money. I think it probably takes time for this help to come through. If you do get your own place, it will really be yours, and going out and getting it will be the start of your journey in regaining your independence.... I'm sure plenty of people will say oh no, it should be the man who leaves the house. I'm not sure about these arguments.... I like taking control if things are not going well, and making things better myself.

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