Been with OH on and off for the last 5 years. Not been an easy relationship by any stretch of the imagination. I am not sure he really loves me (he says he does, but words come easy to him when it suits him).
We went through a really bad patch at the beginning of 2009, we weren't living together but saw each other regularly. I found out I was pregnant and when I told him we both saw it as a way to move forwards together. We started making plans for the future but I suddenly realised that it wasn't what I wanted. I made the heartbreaking decision to have a termination without telling him and have regretted it ever since. I initially told him I had miscarried, awful I know and still regret what I did. We remained together and seemed to be finally laying the foundations for what I assumed was going to be our future. I had admitted to him about the termination and although he was upset he seemed to accept my reasons for doing so.
Fast forward to now. We are again not living together. I work full time and he is 'living' in at the part time job he works at approx 100 miles away. I found out 3 weeks ago that I am again pregnant. His reaction when I told him has hurt me so profoundly I don't think I can forgive or forget. I had expressed my surprise (not planned pregnancy) but complete joy along with apprehension and worry due to my age His words were 'well kill it just like you killed my other baby'.
I have expressed regret and remorse almost daily at what I did.
I knew from the start I wanted this baby more than anything.
I've experienced problems from day 1 basically, bleeding, high blood pressure etc, etc. The doctor decided I needed to attend the EPU and arranged a date. I asked him to come. He told me he had no money only a return train ticket. He said he needed to work a couple of days to get some cash. First excuse. I went to the scan alone.
Second scan, same excuse, then randomly turns up a couple of days after expressing regret at not coming sooner, BUT transpires he managed to come this time with no cash, suppose cause it suited him?
Persuaded me to let him come to the hospital for third scan (I was in the mindset now of going through whatever happened alone).
The scan wasn't brilliant news but it could have been worse. I have been given a 10% chance of getting to the second trimester.
I sat at home afterwards and sobbed for hours and really haven't stopped since. His only reaction was to ask me for the money for a train ticket as he was due at work tomorrow night. I gave him the money and he left the same day.
Since them I have turned off my phones. Got one email a couple of hours ago, 'babe are you ok, your phone is switched off'.
I feel completely numb. Does he really think it acceptable to just fuck off at a time when I needed his support? Does he think I can move onwards from here?
Yes I can, but not with him. I've finally realised that what is meant to be will be and I will face whatever happens alone. He is not the person I thought he was. I will do the decent thing and drive his stuff to him tomorrow and then at least I am able to finally let go.
Sorry for the length but thanks for listening x