so so sick of it all!!

[Showmethemhappyfeet]

Hi all, so me and DP are engaged with 1 DC (18 months) he has always had a slight...issue with drink but had cut down a lot after a couple of nights where we argued and he knows he went too far.
Anyway, so now he goes the pub every lunch time, and drink a bottle of wine every night. On its own, not a problem, as i'm so used to it...but now he has been off work a few days (enforced by work, not drink related) , spent both days in the pub and has now tonight come home drunk and tried to change our daughter, while shouting at me with her nappy backwards.
Well...This isnt just a 1 off, he has 'sleepwalked' for years, peed all over the housse when drunk blah blah.
I am currently completely skint after paying half of the bills and all the shopping (i work a FT and PT job) and he has now come home drunk complaining that I havent cleaned up (bearing in mind iv been at work all day while hes been the pub)
Sorry for the ramble im just fuming at the mo and ready to walk!
Honestly i just dont know what im doing here any more!

Why are you with him

Sounds like he contributes fuck all to your family...

I don't know what you're doing there either, and I don't think you really need MN to tell you to kick him out, do you ... surely?

I think the poor op just need somewhere to rant and some backing and hand holding to throw him out... we are here for you op./

dont get me wrong he does some good things, he looks after DC whenever im working and loves her to pieces. He does help out around the house (not without pointing out every little thing he's done) but still. He does love us, he just winds me up so much days like today. He doesnt get 'drunk' every day, or at least he isnt when i see him, hes usually asleep when i come home from work of a night but on the occasions he's awake hes fine. I just dont know. When i look at all the hings that annoy me on their own they look so stupid

Tell him to go. He is not safe to be near your child or you and does not seem as if he is ever going to change.

and hes not like this every night. He only gets this bad once in a while but still he is always drinking etc...

Have you heard of AlAnon?

He doesnt think he has a problem. His view is he goes to work, pays his half of the bills therefore is not an alcoholic... He thinks that to be an alcoholic he must he stood outside the pub waiting for it to open each day and falling out drunk all day.

Give him an ultimatum to get help for his drinking problem or move out, that should motivate him? sorry to hear you're going through this, it's hard enough anyway when you've got a little one and you're working.

Sorry OP, I wasn't very sympathetic. I apologise.

But it isn't right that you're completely skint while he drinks a bottle of wine a day and then goes on benders in the pub. He's doing wtf he likes as if he has no responsibilities.

Ask yourself this - will you be happy for your daughter to see this relationship as she grows up? Do you think she will learn healthy lessons about alcohol, equality and respect from him?

I guess you do just want to vent, but I am just saying that it really isn't OK for him to do this. I know on a day to day basis you can get by with some eye-rolling and whatever but long term, this is not ok, not even a little bit.

Are you just needing a rant/sympathetic ear, or is it advice you want?

I know what my advice would be.. but I'm guessing you may just defend him.

Have you tried talking to him about this? All relationships go through peaks and troughs, but don't let the cycle get too extreme. We all have boundaries, and these are even more important when children are involved. She will accept what she sees you accept. What do you want her to believe is normal?

Personally I feel very uncomfortable reading that he is in sole physical charge of your DD when he's utterly bladdered and she's so tiny. If he wants to get ratted, he shouldn't be in charge of her or hands on with her at all, imho.

It's up to you to enforce this, I'm afraid. She can't do it.

A bit of both, rant and advice really.
He doesn't get that drunk when he has DC on his own, she is luckily a v good sleeper so come 7.30 that's her till the next morning. He doesn't usually start drinking until she is in bed.
I don't want to sound like im defending him as i know he is totally out of order in this. But i also don't want to exaggerate anything and he is a good dad.
We have had words over and over about his drinking, but i think because he thinks its not a big deal he makes out im over-reacting and i half believe it sometimes. I dont know, i love him and i dont WANT to leave him but how long can i wait for him to change?!

Case closed.

Alanon is for you not him, if you are affected by someone else's drinking you are welcome. Suggestion is try a few meeting and see if it's for you. I found a lot of help there in becoming a bit less insane myself, not relevant whether the person I was worrying over thought they had a problem - my reactions were giving me one!

Good luck :)

p.s He's not a good dad because he is spending way too much money on booze. Pubs aren't cheap these days, or am I out of the loop?

give him the ultimatum and mean it, chuck him out if you have to, he'll get help to get you back I would have thought

I don't think you wait for him to change. I think you lay down an ultimatum - drinking or us. And if he doesn't take it seriously/says you're overreacting, then he can go and stay elsewhere until the levity of the situation sinks in.

Sometimes i guess that's what it takes.

I speak as someone whose lovely fab dad was a complete shite for this when we were small. It was awful. Love him to bits, he's an amazing grandad and he was a lovely dad but the drinking, and the awful dismissiveness when it was questioned, that was really shitty.

Sorry read the link after replying! That looks really helpful actually! We're pretty remote though so cant see there being any meetings near :(

You could be waiting for the rest of your life for him to 'change'. Is that what you want for yourself and your dc?

On the other hand, by telling him to walk, you could encourage him to review his behaviour and decide whether he has the desire, the determination, and the will, to modify it - as long as you mean it until such time as he has proved that he is not a complete arse.

Life's too short - and all that jazz. As I see it, the problem is that you are resistant to 'change' and won't realise that you've wasted the best years of your life on him until it's too late.

I waited nearly two years for my EX to change, to stop the drugs, to stop drinking, to avoid pubs. In fact i waited probably 5 years, he promised me after we moved in august 2007 that he would stop the drink and drugs now that we had moved and it was being evicted that pushed him to it, and i believed he had....but he hadnt stopped. It got worse and worse, more physically, emotionally and financially abusive until I LEFT HIM. I just couldnt take any more. I am sorry to say this, but if he cant accept he needs help he will NEVER get better, and its probably best you go your seperate ways.