I need the wisdom of you mumsnetters who actually are grown ups and have more backbone than me. I'm sorry, I've namechanged as the following makes me pretty recognisable and I'd rather keep it seperate from my usual, more cheerful persona. This is going to be long and its taken a lot of courage for me to post this, as the circumstances are fairly unique and I'm frightened people will not believe me.
I've been having problems with my Dad using me as an emotional leaning post for a few years now. He rings me every day and tells me all his woes and it's really getting me down. I'll start with a little background if that's ok.
I had quite a nice childhood really, my parents gave me and my brother lots of emotional support, we both felt loved and we never went without, materially. When we were teenagers it became apparent that my Dad had depression. My brother and I were pretty well 'protected' from it for want of a better word. It's not something that was ever discussed really and my Mum was the one who tried to support us all. Dad started drinking heavily. He would have several glasses of wine with tea then stay up late drinking before eventually falling into bed beside my Mum at 3am every night. We were aware of it happening but we are all guilty of burying our heads in the sand and hoping he would get better. He was never violent or innappropriate, he would just quietly fall down drunk.
My Dad has always said that me and him have a 'special bond', and that I was 'on his wavelength'. He has always favoured my company to my brother, but was not quite so obvious about it when we were younger. My Mum has always been very equal. He started confiding small things in me about his emotions and what worried him. This has grown really gradually over time. I've alwas been more of a softie than my brother, so I would listen to him because I felt sorry for him and wanted to make him feel better.
Time passed, I met DH, moved out and got married. I remained close to both my parents and we would go most weeks for Sunday dinner. One Sunday my Dad asked me to go to the shops with him. He was very uptight and tearful. On the way there I was obviously concerned about him and asked him a few times what was wrong. He (after very little probing) told me he was having an affair and that he was going to leave my Mum. I realise now he very deliberatley set out to tell me that day, and wanted to unburden himself to me, without considering my feelings. I was very shocked, and asked him to at least talk to my Mum about what was happening. I'm very ashamed to admit I didn't shout at him, I even gave him a hug because he was upset 
What made it even more horrible was that my brother was getting married two weeks later. My Dad begged me not to say anything because he 'didn't want to spoil the wedding'. I agreed for my brother's sake, and spent truly the most awful two weeks of my life hiding this awful secret from my family. I thought my Mum and Brother would never speak to me again, that they would think I thought it was ok for him to do it, and that everyone would judge me for holding this secret (I still do worry about that last one). I couldn't even tell DH because he loves my Mum very much, I knew he would react (understandably) badly and not be able to keep his thoughts (and possibly fists) to himself. The wedding was awful. Not obviously for my family, but for me to watch my mother, so proud and happy, and my Dad, who in a fit of selfishness, insisted on doing a reading in the church about the wonders of love. I was the only one in that church who knew he wasn't talking about my Mum.
I'm sorry this is so long, I just need to keep typing.
The day after the wedding I met up with my best friend. I couldn't keep it to myself and had a bit of a breakdown. She was horrified and urged me to talk to DH. I did, it was awful. He'd known something was up, and was waiting for me to tell him when I was ready. I rang my Dad in tears about the whole thing, and he told me very calmly that it would all be ok and that he didn't regret telling me. I realise now that he must've been drunk at the time.
It took him a week to tell my mum. My brother was away on honeymoon and was blissfully ignorant. My mum was devastated, didn't have a clue and didn't want him to leave. It was awful, he left, then came back, then left again. I had to take time off work to look after my mum, and we also got a lot of support from my mum's brother and nan. One of the first things my mum asked me was 'did I know?'. That has got to be the second most awful time of my life. I started to cry and begged for her forgiveness. She was absolutely horrified that he had done that to me, as was the rest of our family. They were wonderful with me, but it's still something I find very painful to discuss and still feel so guilty about it.
My brother came back from honeymoon and was told all about it the next day. Obviously he was very upset aswell and helped me to support our mum.
My dad eventually left and moved in for good with the other woman. We didn't speak for a long time and to be honest it was a relief. I grew very close to my mum in this period and can honestly say if one positive thing came of the whole thing was that we have an even deeper relationship than before.
Fast forward a couple of years, my mum has moved on successfully and has remarried now. My Dad, after a bit of leg work on his part and a lot of forgivness on mine and DB's has re-established a relationship with us. He stayed with TOW, who was diagnosed with cancer early on in their relationship. They got married, he nursed he through ill health and unfortunately she died last year. I do genuinley mean this, she did a bad thing being TOW (although was fed a few lies about my mother's behaviour which I soon corrected) but no-one deserves the end to life that she had.
I'm really sorry for the length, it's theraputic to write this and I undefstand anyone who wants to give up at this point!
Whilst TOW was unwell and dealing with her cancer, I was having rather a bad year myself. I had my lovely DD, who was (and is) wonderful in every way. Unfortunately I think the traumas of the year before caught up with me and I sank into deep PND. I tried to go back to work, but ended up on long term sick, and finally got 'let go' from my job due to ill health. DP and I went through a very rough patch, but fortunately now are stronger than ever. I got lots of support from my HV and from my mum and extended family. I didn't bother my Dad too much with my problems because he was dealing with a dying wife, and plus whenever I did talk to him about it he often ended up talking about his depression and how difficult he found it to cope.
After losing my job, DH and I ended up having to go bankrupt, I couldn't find another employer willing to take me on and we couldn't pay the bills. Going to court that day was a terrifying experience. Since then I've been a SAHM, and DH and I have found ourselves expecting another baby (despite using contraception). At first I was horrified, but when it looked like I was miscarrying it suddenly dawned on me what a blessing and a gift this baby was. We went through three terrifying weeks of scans and bleeding but our baby remained safe. I'm now well into the third trimester of my pregnancy.
Now I'm getting to the present! My main issue now is that ever since TOW died, my Dad has reverted to using me as his confessor. He rings me every night and tells me how bad he is feeling. He asked me to escort him to his GPs appts and to see the psychiatrist because he couldn't face going alone. I'm an idiot and I agreed I can't get away from the fact that he's widowed and lonely. He is still young (in his 50's) is retired (due to depresdion) and on a very decent pension (I know all the ins and outs of his financial situation because, well, he tells me!) He also can drive and owns two cars so he is not isolated. The only family he has is me and my brother.
His favouritism of me over my brother remains. He very rarely speaks to my brother, and never travels the short distance to visit him. My DB gets upset about this sometimes, although doesn't really discuss it with me (my SIL tells me instead) He never rings my brother to unburden himself, only me. He tells me about his deep thoughts, how he feels nervous going out and how much he hates TOW's kids (who are in their early twenties, have never known their father and habe now lost their mother who they loved very much). What is frustrating is that he obviously feels ok when it suits him. He has dated several women in the few months his wife has been dead, and been abroad on holiday twice. He also has made quite a few friends at his local restaurants, and eats out most nights to mix with other locals in his town. I recognise that (most of) these things are good things, and that it's good for him to get out and about. The frustrating thing is that then he calls me, tells me how awful he is to be dating again, how he's not ready, then goes out and does the same thing again. I've never passed judgement to him about the dating, told him their was no particular time line for grief, and he's agreed with me and said he would take himself off the dating website, then a week later he will be ringing me in tears about a lovely woman he's been out with but how guilty he feels (again)
When he calls, he never ever asks how I am. Ever. He never asks about my pregnancy, never asks about my wellbeing. The only thing he does ask is about my bills, and has given us money on occassion which u fortunately I can't seem to say no to. I hate that every night I have to listen to him, that it's completely one sided. I hate that I tiptoe around his feelings, never say what I really think. Mostly I hate myself for enabling this behaviour. I keep feeling sorry for him, being alone and widowed, having made a big giant mess of his life. He never visits, expect me to go up to him all the time. Never takes much interest in DD, other than buying her expensive presents occasionally (she is 2, she is unaware of this and barely knows who he is)
It's starting to really affect me. I can't stand being his constant means of support. He sees a councellor, and his GP on a regular basis. He is on meds and is now under the care of a psychiatrist. He has had a lot of help in the past 15 from the health service but unfortunately has never improved. I'm not qualified to make him better, and I'd really rather step back from the whole thing.
I know him well, if I was to confront him on this he would cry and put on his spoilt child voice about how he never intended to make me feel that way and that he loves me. Then he would behave for about a month and then start slipping into old habits again. I can't face the thought of falling out, my life has been very stressful and dramatic these past few years, I want no more. I want to wait excitedly for my new baby, cuddle my lovely family and pray very hard the PND doesn't strike again.
I don't know how to extract myself from the situation. I don't know how to stop him confessing all in me without having a major fall out or leaving him completely alone in the world.
I'm fed up and so is my family. They know how much he uses me. They hate him for doing it but they are also getting impatient with me for allowing it (then getting upset and crying and all of their shoulders) I just don't know how