I feel like my friend is shutting me out of her life

[forgottenmyname]

a year ago my family moved to a village in a neighbouring county. a close friend lives in this village and was very instrumental in encouraging the move and telling us what a great community there is here.

we have been friends for over 10 years and have supported each other through some traumatic times in each others' lives.

our boys are at the same school now, and we see each other on the playground to wave hello, but my friend has never once asked me to join her socially when she has met up with her local friends or asked me over for coffee etc. total strangers, in fact have made me feel more welcome within the community. i was not expecting her to 'hold my hand' when i moved here, nor was i expecting to join her small group of friends as one of the gang. however, i had assumed our friendship would carry on a 1:1 basis, and that we would meet for a drink now and again.

my friend is always superficially friendly and chatty, but it is clear that she is holding me at arm's length. she keeps saying 'oh we must get together....' but it just never happens.

the reason for this, i feel, is a highly sensitive one. there are things in her DP's past that their current group of friends know nothing about. i will not elaborate further, but suffice it to say that these things must remain hidden.

deep down, i feel that my friend is shutting me out because of what i know, and that she cannot cope with seeing me as i represent in some way, past traumatic times.

i am so hurt by this rejection, but feel that i must accept the situation and try not to take it personally.

should i speak to my friend? or just accept this?

anyone?

hmm, its a hard one. I might approach her privately and ask her to come for a quiet coffee/catch up at your house if I were you. Somewhere that you know her friends won't rock up anyway! Then if she comes willingly just explain that you really miss her and value your friendship, and ask if there is anything going on with her that makes her worried about seeing you.

There's almost no point beating around the bush at this point - she's freezing you out already - so I'd cut to the chase and say you respect her privacy and that her DPs past is none of your concern, so not to be worried about you sharing anything with people she may know now. And does that make her feel more comfortable? If she takes offence then what have you lost? A friend who won't speak to you much anyway?

She may not come though in which case, I'd cut my losses. It's a shame but there's no forcing a friendship, whatever her reasons, if she's not up for it. I feel for you though, it's not nice to be 'dropped'

choco, thank you so much for your reply. it is especially painful as i was one of a very small number of people who supported her in a very loyal way years ago when this issue with her DP arose.

i do feel vulnerable and wonder if i have the strength to cope with further rejection if i broach the subject and she responds badly. however, as you point out, i have little to lose.

Remember that it's really not about you if she decides to lose a friendship that has been loyal and supportive over fear... it's about her, and her desire to run away from the past. People do all kinds of irrational things over fear - sabotaging great relationships and friendships for no good reason other than 'what might happen'. If she isn't ready to accept her DP and their past experiences, then understand that it's about where SHE is at, not a judgement on you at all. I'm sorry it's hurting you though.

choco, i know you are right. thank you.