Worried about my son and new baby.

[Cathycomehome]

Sorry, it's late and I feel quite emotional, so hope this makes sense.

I am expecting my second child, due in July. My son will be 12 in August. He had seemed very happy about the new baby, and even insisted on having a copy of the scan picture for himself. He has been quite negative about school since Christmas, and after he refused to put anything except minimal effort in to homework tonight, I had a go at him and got on to him about attitude a bit.

So, he went to bed, and I went in to say goodnight as usual, and he was crying, which is very, very unsual, and eventually he came out with stuff like he feels the new baby will replace him and I don't think he's good enough.

I think I reassured him, and he seemed OK again, but I feel so worried and distressed now. I don't know where this all came from.

Is this new baby with the same dad? Sorry for asking that, but that could be a big factor.. but if not...........

I would honestly say your boy is just feeling a bit iffy... hormones and all the rest of the teenage/pre-teenage angst... and having been an only child for all of his life, it is going to be a huge change at the age of 12 to suddenly have a brother or sister.. exciting in one way... worrying about not being the baby of the family or the apple of his parents eye any more.

I wouldnt worry too much right now.. lots of time to go, and lots of time for him to get used to the idea too.

Yeah, same dad. Thanks for reassurance - it came out of the blue and has made me feel terrible. I did get on to him about his attitude, maybe I could have done that better. I have really hardly ever known him to cry since he was in infants' school!

And now I have soaked the keyboard with tears myself thinking about it and feeling like a horrible mother. . Must go to bed.

Awww. he will come round.. honestly. It is probably a mahooosive shock to him... but he will love his new sibling, and he is old enough to have lots of input, and help out, and feel involved.. but also old enough to bugger off with his mates too and not need loads of attention..

My stepkids have a sibling (husbands ex had another child) who is ten years younger than my youngest stepdaughter, and they doted on her... she is 16 now.. leading everyone a merry dance, and still completely spoilt by her elder siblings.. (not always a good thing!! lol!)

As I recall from my long-distant youth (with two brothers) and my experiences with my own son, 12/13 is the age when it can all get a bit fraught. It's the age at which some children at least start realising that life isn't always going to be like it was when they were little, and don't necessarily relish the prospect. In your son's case this is true in spades, as he realises the new baby is bound to change things.

I think he'll need a lot of reassurance that the baby isn't going to change things for the worse for him. If you, his dad and both of you together can spend some time regularly doing things he enjoys with him, I'm sure that will help.

As for school and homeworik, for boys, once they reach 12/13, there's often a lot of peer pressure, an attitude that learning isn't cool and is only for geeks. Might that also be a factor here? If so, does the school have any schemes for dealing with that? It might be worth posting on the Secondary Education thread to get other people's ideas and tips.

I warned the DCs, every time I had another one, that babies are quite a lot of hard work and, although cute, not a great deal of fun for the first few months, so I would greatly appreciate their help and support and hopefully in a while they would find their new brother rewarding. I explained that time and energy are not infinite, but love is, so although I would be somewhat distracted and tired for a while I would never love them any less. They all stepped up to the plate, bless them, and were very helpful (except for a tendency to fight with each other when I was breastfeeding).

My DS is 11 & we have a baby due shortly so I kind of know where you're coming from. As has been mentioned upthread it's a difficult age anyway, mine tends to pick on a subject and get himself thoroughly worked up about it before it all blows up despite him knowing he can talk to us about anything..
The only advice I can give you is to try doing what I'm going to do & get him involved as much as he wants to (bathing baby maybe?) and try to make sure he gets some alone time with you for a chat or just chilling out.
As for school, I'm assuming he starts high school in September too? It's a year of major changes for all of you but he'll be really feeling it. Just make sure he knows you're still there for him to talk through any worries or concerns he has - or even the football scores if he wants to!!
You're not a bad mother in anyway btw, pre - puberty seems to be sent to try us!!

Thanks for reassurance. Son has seemed fine again this evening, so will watch out and try to follow advice and keep making sure he feels involved/included.

He's already at high school - first year - so that has been a new thing too - I have made an appointment to talk to his tutor next week, so hopefully that will be helpful too.

Thanks for replies - helped me feel a bit less of a crap mother!